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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

An online dating- Wtf one

20 replies

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 24/02/2022 00:01

Been talking to someone for a couple of weeks and planning to meet. Originally last week I said maybe tomorrow evening would be good. He was a bit flaky contact wise at first but has messaged every day and appeared keen. Anyway the funny (bizzare? Fucked up?) thing is we were messaging earlier and he said what are your thoughts on tomorrow evening
Since then - nothing.
I am just trying to fathom how someone's thought process enters into a conversation about a date tomorrow yet goes awol midway through?
Is this one doomed?

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 24/02/2022 00:03

Yep.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 24/02/2022 00:03

Okay well it's good to know I'm not just over reacting

OP posts:
friendlymum67 · 24/02/2022 00:18

Sadly nothing surprises me any more with online dating …..it’s just hard work with no real light at the end of the tunnel 🙁

Raindrops2015 · 24/02/2022 11:49

In the past I've done this. It's terrible flakiness and usually it was because I didn't have time for OLD and I wasn't that keen on the person. It just completely went out of my head and was down to forgetfulness more than anything. Never waste your time or energy on this.

AubadeIsIt · 24/02/2022 13:03

He may have several matches on the go and can't remember who he replied to or didn't.

Milomonster · 24/02/2022 13:08

Normal behaviour, sadly. Don’t get excited until the person actually turns up. I’ve never been stood up (yet) but experienced very similar to you. Guy postponed date and said to meet after half term. During half term he deleted his profile. We had really lovely conversations.

Watchkeys · 24/02/2022 14:24

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity

Okay well it's good to know I'm not just over reacting
If someone does something that makes you go 'huh?' before you've even met them, drop them, unless you're looking for a partner who makes you go 'huh?'

Presumably, you're looking for someone who makes sense to you, so just date people who make sense to you.

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right in their reaction. You want to be happy, so be with people who consistently make you happy. If you can do that, you've got 'boundaries' covered, you've got 'avoiding abuse covered', you've got 'self respect' covered.

The only person who can decide whether you are over reacting is you. There are no rules. Act according to your feelings, in a way that's respectful to others, and your dating life will be much happier than if yu constantly question yourself.

Suprima · 24/02/2022 14:29

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity

Been talking to someone for a couple of weeks and planning to meet. Originally last week I said maybe tomorrow evening would be good. He was a bit flaky contact wise at first but has messaged every day and appeared keen. Anyway the funny (bizzare? Fucked up?) thing is we were messaging earlier and he said what are your thoughts on tomorrow evening Since then - nothing. I am just trying to fathom how someone's thought process enters into a conversation about a date tomorrow yet goes awol midway through? Is this one doomed?
There’s no ‘wtf’ here

He hasn’t asked you out

He hasn’t arranged a date

You have even told him when you were free- nothing

His thought process is- he doesn’t like you very much or you’d be out on dates by now. It’s really not hard to see. He wants a penpal and an ego boost- block and move on

There is also a good chance he may be building up emotional familiarity and intimacy with texts- so you respond when he undoubtedly booty calls you on a Saturday night when he knows you are out too

Watchkeys · 24/02/2022 14:32

Also, people are weird. Don't bother to work yourself up over it. This guy's behaviour isn't even a bit unusual. There's lots of people who won't make sense to you. Just label them 'incompatible', and move on. 'Why does he do this??' is a waste of your time. 'He does this, so I don't want to see him (again)' is the healthy approach.

Watchkeys · 24/02/2022 14:33

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Might be useful

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 25/02/2022 18:31

It's amazing how your mood can just drop when people treat you shitty like this
I obviously have my life and it doesn't affect that but someone who says they like you and are serious about meeting then just bugger off into thin air
I seriously don't like to be let down and have hopes dashed so maybe dating isn't for me as it seems I only get these type

OP posts:
Suprima · 25/02/2022 19:03

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity

It's amazing how your mood can just drop when people treat you shitty like this I obviously have my life and it doesn't affect that but someone who says they like you and are serious about meeting then just bugger off into thin air I seriously don't like to be let down and have hopes dashed so maybe dating isn't for me as it seems I only get these type
You will encounter that type- but you don’t let it upset you, and only entertain men who ask to meet up within the first bout of messaging.

If they don’t- they want penpals

This man has also done nothing except text you, much less make it clear that they ‘like you’. When men like women- they go out on dates with them. He has ‘got your hopes up’ from toilet seat for all you know.

Online dating can be fantastic- but you need to disengage and be very ruthless. No one should be getting your hopes up as you need to be a cynic.

I only matched met men who were ‘my type’ and have prescribed interests that were important to me. I blocked men who didn’t ask me out within a couple of days of matching. I didn’t give out my number to men unless it was for date logistics- to stop their lazy wooing.

My friends said my standards were too high and I’d never meet anyone- but I have, and it’s perfect, because I never accepted bare minimum.

Change your mindset, expect frogs and weed them out- throw them back into the pond quickly if they are not keen to meet you ASAP.

Escargooooooo · 25/02/2022 19:14

You said it yourself, he was flaky from the start. Now he's gone flaky, you're surprised?

Raise your bar. Any crap like this, don't even entertain. If you like a guy, are you flaky? Ever?

Don't accept this behaviour and try and justify or understand it.

He's a "no." Into the blocked bin he goes.

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 25/02/2022 20:44

I'm confused. He asked about tomorrow evening - how did you respond? Do you mean he went AWOL after you responded?

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 25/02/2022 20:45

Did you make it clear that you were interested? If so, yes, that's flaky.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 25/02/2022 21:08

Yes he knew I was interested
He went awol when I replied 'what were you thinking?'
Like an idiot he was very apologetic the following morning said he had an early start etc fell asleep (at 8pm?) but said he totally understood why I would be upset and that he understood why I wasn't keen to meet him now this week but he's happy to prove he wants to be with me and will put the effort in
Guess what?

OP posts:
Suprima · 25/02/2022 21:12

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity

Yes he knew I was interested He went awol when I replied 'what were you thinking?' Like an idiot he was very apologetic the following morning said he had an early start etc fell asleep (at 8pm?) but said he totally understood why I would be upset and that he understood why I wasn't keen to meet him now this week but he's happy to prove he wants to be with me and will put the effort in Guess what?
A man with butterflies his stomach doesn’t fall asleep when arranging a date with a woman he apparently likes
BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 25/02/2022 21:35

No, he's talking nonsense. I'd move on.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 25/02/2022 22:28

My thoughts exactly!
Minimal effort and really obviously couldn't be less interested
Just be honest ffs I couldn't care less if you've met someone else or have changed your mind about me I'd much rather that then hear complete mistruths

OP posts:
Suprima · 26/02/2022 17:08

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity

My thoughts exactly! Minimal effort and really obviously couldn't be less interested Just be honest ffs I couldn't care less if you've met someone else or have changed your mind about me I'd much rather that then hear complete mistruths
You will not get honesty from them- so don’t expect it.

Anything dodgy or makes you go ‘huh?’ as a poster previously said, block and move on.

Other women will call this unkind, chastise you for not demonstrating your interest or game playing- but do you really want to be in one of the shitshow relationships normalised by this forum and day to day life? Husbands hiding in ‘man caves’? Having to be peeled off the sofa for nights? Forgetting birthdays and anniversaries?

If you make allowances for shitty and low effort behaviour in the dating the stage, you’ll be doing it forever.

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