What would you make of this..

[Moff2k]

Been with DP for 2 years. We're in our 40s, don't live together, see each other nearly every day though and spend at least 4 nights a week together.
We're both divided
My exdh was abusive and a drug addict. DP knows and is the opposite. Hardworking, amazing dad, kind and supportive.
Today he was " teasing " me, something he does often. I got a little offended and said " gosh you're mean, remind me why I'm with you again?: in a laughy, joky way.
He snapped back " because I'm better then what you're used to ".
I really didn't like it. I don't want him to think I'm grateful I'm with him and that because I had a shit relationship before I'm happy to put up with anything.
We argued about it and he said if anything the comment actually put HIM down.
He also said " this is whst I'm like, I tease. If you don't like how I am you are free to not be with me "
In other words don't complain??

I don't know what to think and whether my past relationships is having am effect on how I'm seeing things??
I just hate the thought he thinks I haven't got options ?
Am I being ridiculous?

Divorced not divided!!

No you're not being ridiculous for feeling how you felt. Being fair to your dp, if the joke wasn't actually a joke, as in something he said upset you...then the 'remind me why I'm with you' might have sounded a little barbed? And hes reacted back. Hard to say without being there but its the only reason i can think of why he might have taken it badly. That doesn't mean his reaction showed him in a good light

I think you should both re-evaluate how you speak with each other.
Don't tolerate hurtful jokes and equally, don't make hurtful jokes.

I understand why what he said hurt you, and his last comment - "leave if you're not happy" was immature.
And I can see why he took offense to your joke.

He’s testing your boundaries. I would be very wary going forward. Actually, I’d consider leaving.

That would upset me too. His go to wasn't 'sorry' or a diffusing comment but a veiled threat. It sounds like a put up or shut up to me.
I would be wondering why a suggestion or option of not being together was so quick to be mentioned.
Then I would be thinking about just how equal the relationship really was. I am getting a whiff of superiority off him.
The nights together, are they at your place? Has he gotten complacent and taking you for granted?
I have read that the two year mark is testing for relationships. Maybe it is time to review your boundaries. Take a bit of time alone for yourself to have a hard think. Be less available.

Well done for speaking up, OP. ‘Mean teasing’ is a form of bullying. And his goady remark that he is better than your past, so you can just take it or leave it reeks of arrogance and devaluation. I’m not seeing any empathy for you there.

I recall your previous thread where you detailed your insecure feelings about his Ex/their marriage and their 15-20 daily co-parenting interactions. Posters initially urged you to seek therapy for your jealousy. However, the more you wrote, it became clear that, after 5 years, he is still not over Ex and is not truly emotionally available to you. It was obvious that your insecurity has been partly triggered by his over-sharing about their marriage: his affectionate nicknames for Ex; all he did for her; his daily love-message after drop-off; his despair/anger that he still doesn’t understand why she ended things; being melancholy when seeing families out during your December holiday; getting upset when they argue now. After 2 years he hasn’t officially told Ex about you, and you’ve been around his children only once. Also, he hardly ever kisses you.

OP, you deserve a partner who is truly present and fully available. You deserve someone who enriches your life instead of diminishing you with unsettling teasing and details about his lost love.

Your comment would be ok in a jokey way but you said you were offended at the time so I am going to assume it did not sound jokey. I think if you said that in an offended way, then you have no room to complain about his response. Otherwise what, you can insult him all you like whereas he is not allowed to, even in reply? I think you should draw a line underneath this and both think harder about what you say in anger.

Youre just as bad as him
What you said wasn't a joke if you were offended
You need to re evaluate how you both speak to each other

"Teasing" is often horrible - do you actually find any of it funny?! My ex did this and it really ground me dow .

Teasing can be fine. DP and I have a relationship with a lot of banter and sarcasm that might sound mean to other people, but we go for each other's "hard spots", so to speak - jokes we know that are like water off a duck's back to the other.

Occasionally we've hit a soft spot by accident or teased too much when the other person wasn't in the mood. The only acceptable response to "actually, that one hurt" is to apologise profusely, stop saying it, and never use that subject as a joke again.

And honestly, teasing someone about their messiness or fussiness is one thing, but it shouldn't be a surprise at all that referring to a former abusive relationship crosses the line. He needs to recognise that banter and teasing is only funny when both parties agree, and that in this case he was out of order.

I REALLY hate it when men do that. Say "this is what I'm like - I do XYZ" to excuse some shit behaviour. The implication being that if you choose to stay, it's your fault that he continues to do it, and you're being unreasonable if you get upset by it.
Normal, nice men don't do this. My DP once took teasing a little far about my "poncey" cooking and it actually upset me a bit. When I told him he was so apologetic and has never said it since. Point being, normal people who actually care about someone modify their behaviour if they see it's upsetting them.

Hardworking, amazing dad, kind and supportive

v

this is whst I'm like, I tease. If you don't like how I am you are free to not be with me

These things are at odds, OP. Kind and supportive people don't say 'If you don't like what I do, go elsewhere'.

I don't know what to think and whether my past relationships is having am effect on how I'm seeing things

Of course they are, and so they should. If you've been abused in the past, you'll be sensitive to abuse. That's not something to try to 'stamp out' in yourself, it's something that any worthy partner will respect. They'll treat you gently, they'll be careful around your triggers. They won't say 'Oh, take your stupid triggers elsewhere if you don't like me poking fun at you'.

Having your feelings is never ridiculous. Expecting them to be respected, however unusual they might be, is a given for a healthy relationship. For example, if you can't bear watching your partner eat raspberry jam, that's really unusual. But your partner, if they respect you and care how you feel, will try to find a compromise, or just stop doing it, if it bothers you. They won't say 'Oh, don't look, then!' and carry on regardless.

We don't know what causes our triggers sometimes (perhaps our childhood abuser used to give us raspberry jam before abusing us?) so nothing can be ruled out as 'ridiculous'. We all have our sensitivities for a reason. Nobody would expect someone who'd been mauled by a dog to be ok with dogs. Nobody should expect you not to have your sensitivities, given your history.

The most important person who needs to realise that your feelings are valid and need to be respected, is you.

If he doesn't like your sensitivities, he is free to leave you, too. How rude of him to make this statement. As if you didn't realise already..?

This is why be careful what you divulge, they don' t need to know everything, some things are better left unsaid, then no retaliation.

What was he teasing you about? To be honest your comment would've really bothered me. But his reaction wasn't ideal either.

Depends what he is teasing you about? I'm really keen on banter but not downright nastiness. Saying 'remind me why I'm with you' is an easy one to come back to 'why my dashing good looks and sparkling personality of course' - if he wants to give out the banter then he needs to be able to take it too. Sounds like he only wants it to be one way which suggest it's not banter but heading more towards bullying.

We really need to know what he was teasing you about though.

I don't like the sort of 'banter' and 'teasing' that is offensive, especially when the person can only give it, but not take the same back (which is what you did - gave him a taste of his own medicine).

So I would be free to not be with him. Because he's probably right - he's another arsehole who only looks a good bet cos he's less of an arsehole than the previous one.

Teasing like that is just a weak word for bullying OP and I'd be telling him that. I'd also be telling him that if he doesn't knock it off then HE is free to piss off.

A bit of fun has to be well received by both parties or it isn't. It's as simple as that.

I would not like this at all. Irrespective of what led to it, that comment sounds really odd to me - I cannot imagine ever saying that to anyone, so that suggests it's what he really feels. To me that means he thinks he can treat you like shit as long as he doesn't behave as bad as your ex. If he "didn't mean it" it means he wanted to say something to hurt you/ devalue you. So either way very worrying.