I miss my old life but can’t stand my exh

[Cantchangenow]

Just as the title says really. I left my exh 5 years ago after being married for 10 years. We have 2 dc. I hated him when we were married and he’s even worse now. He was abusive and our relationship was toxic.

I met my dp 4 years ago, he is the opposite of my exh, he’s lovely, kind, great in bed and I’v been head over heels in love with him from the moment we met, but he also is divorced with 2dc.
At the moment I really miss my old life though, I miss the normal mum dad and kids, I miss that it was only about us 4. I didn’t have new in-laws or step children or ex’s to deal with.

My family couldn’t stand exh and he wouldn’t build a relationship with them, he hated me being close to them.
I will never have a normal life again, this extra hassle is forever. Everyday I wish I had just married someone different and I’m terrified my children will make the same mistakes as me.

Has anyone else done through this?

I know how you feel. I actually get on ok with my ex and often think maybe I should have just stuck it out as life was so much simpler back then. I’ve been with someone else for several years but recently split and all the hassle of exes and step kids was definitely a factor in that. I kind of want to meet someone else, but also know that at my age (48) it’s going to be hassle and exes and kids and all that crap forever.

I used to think I had it good, with my shiny new relationship with lots of sex and time off from family duties to just be myself. But I do envy people who are still happily married to the father of their kids, all the more so now that I’m single again.

I split from my ex 10 years ago.

I hate all the organising contact for DS, and having to work around ex's interfering new woman, but never to the extent of wanting to go back. My new life is relaxed and happy. It has colour and music and light. I don't feel grim every day.

But I know what you mean, life shouldn't be so complicated.

I don’t want to go back as such, I couldn’t think of anything worse than to be with my exh. Just regret my life choices I guess and it was all my doing. I don’t even have someone else to blame.

@RoyKentsChestHair I really dislike this complication, and yes the beginning was amazing, new found freedom to be me, amazing new relationship, great sex. I feel the same as you that I’m envious of others happy family lives. I wish that was still me. I just keep hoping it will change as the children grow up

I think you should research getting some CBT to help you work through this.

You say you miss your old life but then you also say:

My family couldn’t stand exh and he wouldn’t build a relationship with them, he hated me being close to them

I will never have a normal life again, this extra hassle is forever

It depends what you class as 'normal'. If you're finding your new situation stressful, then there is nothing wrong with asking for some support or help.

I know where you are coming from. 6 years down the line. I have a new partner who is lovely( we don't live together, as both have teenagers), but I do miss the family unit. It's hard going splitting the week for access to the kids. I hear my friends moaning about their kids, but as everyone else has said after the initial freedom of leaving the ex has worn off, it can be a bit meh.
I don't regret leaving my exh, but at the same time it would be nice after a rubbish day at work to discuss it with someone, or spontaneously go out for the day as a unit.
None of us married or got together with someone long term for it to go tits up. Think it's a matter of planning nice things for ourselves & enjoying life

I completely empathise OP. I would never in a million years go back to my ex. He too was abusive and also a serial cheat and I much prefer the person I am without him and I am a better parent too but... I also hate being divorced and having kids whose parents don't live together, breaks my heart. I have those moments when the kids do something amazing or funny and I hate that I can't share it with their dad any more. I always wanted a traditional happy family and hate that my kids don't have this and that my dream has been shattered. I have a new partner who is lovely and he doesn't have any kids which helps, but it's still a tough dynamic to manage. I just wish life were easy 😔

It's not the ex you miss but the life you expected to have.

I think in any step parents dynamic you're essentially trying to model that nuclear family dynamic. Unless very fortunate and everyone gets on (including exs) then it's highly unlikely to replicate.