Did you know what abuse was

[Pegsonstrings]

Or what red flags to look out for before your first relationship?

Did you stay in your relationship after the first incident?

I did. I stayed. I didn’t know what abusive behaviour entailed in an intimate relationship. I didn’t know what the red flags were and not because I was stupid, I just grew up in a dysfunctional family so normalised what others would never accept from another human. I was well into my 40s when I learnt about coercive control, financial and sexual abuse, up until it was explained to me after an attack I had no idea. I thought abuse was if you were being hit and it left a mark on you.

Before it happened to you did you know the types of abuse?

I could have written your post, OP. I hope you're in a better place now

Yes. He didn't hit me so I didn't think he was abusive.

It was only after we'd separated that I fully realised quite how unhealthy a relationship it had been and in how many ways.

@barbrahunter. Yes thankfully but I have often wondered if this is the case and why it’s not spoken about in schools for example

As above, mine wasn’t typical abuse. He was an addict and I thought I was doing the right thing and the good thing by sticking by him and helping “save” him. I was gaslighted so badly. I almost fully strip searched him once and was made to feel I was going insane (I wasn’t and if I’d went to full I would have known). I was woken up in the middle of the night and accused of having a second phone etc. We had sex that deep down we both know I didn’t want as I knew things weren’t okay. But I was convinced for me and for our future I was doing the right thing. I should have walked away before I even moved in. But I hope I know better in the future.

No I had no idea. I have a different perspective though, I actually grew up in a very loving respectful family, and my parents are good, non dysfunctional people on the whole. I think I didn't realise so many people were abusive, dysfunctional etc, so I really think that your idea of talking about it in schools would be good.

I was well versed in what was abusive behaciour in others

Not so well versed in realising that actually, I was also quite abusive. Has taken me quite a long time to grow out of that.

No, I didn’t
I knew he was controlling and selfish, and didn’t share finances but he had lots of good qualities too so I overlooked the bad stuff.
My GP and 2 different friends made very subtle hints that his behaviour wasn’t healthy, or tried giving me leaflets for Womens Aid but I didn’t truly recognise that it was emotional and mental abuse until over a year after we finally split. (Instigated by me, because I no longer felt loved and he refused to try counselling)

I was ashamed that I - previously a strong, independent and confident woman - had allowed myself to be treated so badly. Apparently it can happen to anyone…
He was sometimes moody and nasty, but never actually violent in a physical or sexual way. (Like you, that is what I thought abuse was). I wish he had been - that would’ve been easier to spot and I wouldn’t have tolerated that for so long. I believe the emotional abuse has done so much more damage, to my self-esteem and confidence – it is taking a long time to get over it and re-find myself again.
Don’t feel bad, it seems there are lots of us out there… I’m glad you have recognised it now and hope you have the strength to make a good new life for yourself

No!

My marriage got worse and worse. I wrote to a friend about it who posted me (back in the day!) a print out of the Women's Aid forms of abuse.

I believe topics like controlling behaviour and gas-lighting are now being talked about in schools … along with mental health discussions. Very glad to know that

My mum had a very difficult marriage to my dad although it wasn't physical - he shouted a lot, gave us the silent treatment and had numerous affairs. I know I always thought of abuse as physical violence but looking at their relationship and the impact it's had on me and my sister l can see that it was abusive.

In my case I've always struggled to speak up in relationships and I think it's made me vulnerable. In my longest relationship I clearly remember the first incident still - I had been waiting all day for a boiler engineer to come. When he failed to materialise my ex had a massive go at me and then ignored me for 2 days. It was exactly what would have happened in my house growing up. I did what my mum would have done and told me to do at the time - keep quiet.

Yep, exactly the same here

I had no idea that my relationship was abusive until I got a job outside the home having been isolated and discovered my life was not normal at all

Nope not at all. I used to cry on the floor wishing he would hit me so I could leave. Telling someone your partner shouts at you until you cry never seemed like enough of a reason, nor kicking or punching furniture or waking me up by touching me intimately. I knew I didn't like it but assumed I was the problem. I was a terrible girlfriend.

I am only just realising that the relationship I had at university which lasted for ten years, was abusive. He would just come to my apartment for sex. We never went anywhere together and he would go out with his friends all the time. On occasion when I went with him to a rugby club so he would ignore me and just talk to his friends. I deeply regret being so passive for all of those years.

I have just left a relationship after a year of gaslighting and manipulation, interspersed with lots of fun and laughter. Despite the good times, I was becoming an anxious mess and my ex convinced me it was because of issues I had prior to meeting him. It wasn't.
I had been confident, self-assured and healthy when we met. I never thought I would fall for this crap.
By the time a year was over, I was drinking to block out the anxiety, struggling to eat for days and checking my phone constantly so I didn't upset him by taking too long to reply. I was genuinely concerned there might be spyware on my phone.
I'd ignored many red flags and assumed because there was laughter that it was good.
The guy ran rings around me. I won't make the same mistake again by now believe it can happen to anyone and much faster than I ever imagined.

I realise now that he was emotionally abusive and I have told my daughter to accept no such rubbish from any man

No, I didn't realise that I was supposed to be listening to my feelings. I'd been shown as a child that they were something to be minimised, because there was often something more important going on (like my parents drunkenly fighting)

I hope this simple lesson is being taught in schools now. Many parents haven't learned it (as we see often on MN threads), so how can they teach it to kids?

It’s heartbreaking to see how may have experienced domestic abuse, or abusive behaviour. I regret the time I spent with my ex so much. Although thankful for the knowledge I have now.

I was in my first relationship from 17, married at 21 divorced at 28. I married again & we’ve been together 25 years. I would say that I knew I didn’t want that first type of relationship again & I was very clear to myself that I wouldn’t accept it. My second husband isn’t abusive and so easy to then appreciate what love actually looked like, my first husband was abusive , in many ways but it took me ages to recognise it as abuse. It was only with life experience, reading up & trying to understand what I’d been through did I finally accept it was abuse & had I reported it with the law as it stands, it would have be classed as a crime. It took me many years to accept it for what it actually was. I look back now & think it was my mind trying to cope & survive. It was only when I was out of that environment could I truly unpick what it was

My partner would get drunk, say horrible things but I used to think, well that's the worst, I know how to deal with that because Dad used to do that with Mum. At least he doesn't hit me.

In fact, I had confided in my partner about my upbringing and when we would argue, not just about the above but him not stepping up to be a supportive partner / father he would say 'I'm better than your Dad'.

I hated confrontation (from childhood with domestic violence) so would avoid it all costs. So nothing was challenged. My siblings, my partner, my friends: I put up with appalling behaviour and my way of dealing with it was reaching peak with them and then cutting them out.

Except now I have children, so I'm kind of stuck.

I wish I had known about boundaries and that I was worth loving caring relationships.

I didn't know what abuse was. I was with my exH from a very young age, and didn't have any idea what a normal relationship was (grew up in an abusive household). I only realised when I was 40 that my childhood was bad.

I gradually learned from therapy after I left my exH in my 40s that both my childhood and my marriage were abusive. Like you OP, I only learned about coercive control and all the different types of abuse then. I read Lundy Bancroft and all the books. I didn't realise though that my exH was financially abusing me until I learned more about that, and then it all fell together.

When I started dating again in my 40s (in hindsight I should have waited a few years) , I'd never even heard of the phrase red flags, let alone knew how to spot them! It was a very steep learning curve.

I am determined that my girls will not be as ignorant as I was.

I didn't recognise what he was doing as abuse until I made the decision to leave and then it really hit me. I kept discovering new ways he'd abused me over the next year or so. I do think when they show coercive control and emotional abuse it can be quite extreme. My husband never locked me in the house, ran up debts in my name or stalked me but he did abuse me in lots of other ways which don't always get shown. I think if I saw these depictions when I was in the relationship I would think I wasn't being abused because he didn't do these "extreme" things IYSWIM

I didn't know what abuse was until I was in a very difficult relationship with my exh. He was emotionally abuse to me over many years, unsupportive, angry, never knew what I'd done wrong, still don't go this day know why all that happened. I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. I still don't think I can spot all the signs as it can be so subtle at times. I always said if a man hit me I'd be gone but the way the emotional abuse happened so slowly I didn't spot it. I now don't think I will ever truly trust a man again & let my guard down. I have been reading a book on Boundaries which has been really helping me