Is parenthood easier when you're "in love" with your partner?

[treasure47]

Might seem like a silly question but it's something I've been wondering for a while.
Over the last year my relationship with my husband has been in question (by me) - grown apart etc. nothing specifically "wrong" although I know the way I feel isn't how I should feel towards someone I'm married to.
Anyway, we have a DS (almost 3) and I found the whole process (raising a child!) so much more difficult than I thought I would have. It didn't help that he turned 1 right at the start of lockdown so I was on my own with him a lot but I always struggled before that and used to think there was something wrong with me because every other mum seemed to be loving it 😅
Something I started to wonder was, if I was "in love" with my husband, would it have seemed easier? I've heard of women saying things like "this is so difficult but I couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else" about their partner but I never felt like that. My husband wasn't particularly hands on (I breast fed so obviously he couldn't help with that), he did get better as DS got older but I did at times feel a bit alone with it all. Just made me wonder if it would have all seemed easier if I'd had that feeling like I was with "my person" once the craziness of the day was over for example. No idea if I'm making any sense here 😅
Btw as hard as being a mum is at times, I do love it. And as much as I'm in turmoil about a potential separation impacting him, I feel like I was supposed to have him. I've learnt so much about myself since having a child! I think I was maybe just a bit of a late bloomer with it or something because it seemed to take me a while to get into the swing of things. But DS and I are so close now, he's so happy and loving and we're like 2 peas in a pod so I must have done something right!

It might 'feel' easier because it would be a loving family of 3 and it sounds a bit like it's you and DS then DH a bit separate?

You would still be doing the bulk of the childcare if you are SAHM and he is working but would maybe feel more supported/together if you were truly in love if that makes sense?

@ThistlesAndUnicorns

It might 'feel' easier because it would be a loving family of 3 and it sounds a bit like it's you and DS then DH a bit separate?

You would still be doing the bulk of the childcare if you are SAHM and he is working but would maybe feel more supported/together if you were truly in love if that makes sense?

Yeah it does feel a bit like it's me and DS and DH is separate. I work part time (3 days a week) but DH works long hours and sometimes on a weekend so we rarely have family dinners together for example. I naively didn't think about how much time I'd be alone with our child before having him! I think I've adapted to it though and now prefer it 😕

I wouldn't know as my ex became distant and unpleasant as soon as I fell pregnant. I do know that I enjoy being a single parent more than being in a crap relationship.

Relationships need time and effort putting into them - it sounds like that's missing here. Can you sit down together and look at ways to change that?

@Gowithme

Relationships need time and effort putting into them - it sounds like that's missing here. Can you sit down together and look at ways to change that?

I agree with the above, you need to discuss how you're feeling with your dh and see where you both want to go from there.

Scary as it sounds, the place you are now doesn't sound great either.

Coming at it from a different angle I think it’s easier to feel in love with your partner when they’re an equal parent…

I think it would feel easier if you felt you were on the same team, as it were. But I don’t think that’s about being ‘in love’. I think it’s more about having similar values and attitudes, plus respect for each other as partners and parents.

I think sometimes people who place too much emphasis on romance can actually struggle more when times get tough, than people who are a bit more pragmatic and unsentimental.

Coming at it from a different angle I think it’s easier to feel in love with your partner when they’re an equal parent…

I totally agree with this. I was pretty loved up with exDH until we had DC1 and the switch to this:

Yeah it does feel a bit like it's me and DS and DH is separate.

…was pretty much instant. The shock of realising that all that perceived equality and partnership was totally fake was like having a bucket of cold water thrown over me. More kids just made it worse - felt less and less like a partnership. We split last year and I don’t miss him at all. Being in a lonely relationship is far worse than single parenthood.

@HeddaGarbled

I think it would feel easier if you felt you were on the same team, as it were. But I don’t think that’s about being ‘in love’. I think it’s more about having similar values and attitudes, plus respect for each other as partners and parents.

I think sometimes people who place too much emphasis on romance can actually struggle more when times get tough, than people who are a bit more pragmatic and unsentimental.

That's true. We've talked about things a lot and he still feels "in love" with me but I just don't feel the same. There's a whole bigger issue about whether or not I ever have been with him but that aside, I haven't always felt appreciated. I'm a very self-motivated person and he's pretty much the opposite (outside of work) which was okay before having a child, I think maybe it's just highlighted it more! He is trying to help out more (work is an awkward thing because he can't help that he's out so much) although he's only just starting to make changes a year and a half on from the initial conversation...

@WhenIsItTooLate

Coming at it from a different angle I think it’s easier to feel in love with your partner when they’re an equal parent…

I totally agree with this. I was pretty loved up with exDH until we had DC1 and the switch to this:

Yeah it does feel a bit like it's me and DS and DH is separate.

…was pretty much instant. The shock of realising that all that perceived equality and partnership was totally fake was like having a bucket of cold water thrown over me. More kids just made it worse - felt less and less like a partnership. We split last year and I don’t miss him at all. Being in a lonely relationship is far worse than single parenthood.

Yeah I always wanted to have another child, and I still do but I'm putting that right out of my mind for now because I don't want to feel this uncertainty and bring another child into the mix. Family life just isn't how I imagined it would be, but then again most things rarely do go how you think they'll go!

@treasure47
We've spoken on other threads and I know we're in a similar situation sadly.

I have felt exactly what you're describing for 10 years since my DD was born. The majority of the time he made those early days with your newborn more stressful than not. I remember picking her up out of her cot at around 4 months and telling her that me and her would leave and do fine without him.
I am still here. She now constantly comments on how miserable he is which makes me sad.

You see all these happy families out and about and I have always felt that doesn't come naturally to us.

I was desperate for a second baby, after a couple of years of further treatment we had a massive argument over something and he told me he'd never really been into the idea anyway. It broke my heart. He told me if it mattered that much then I should leave him and find someone else to father my second child.
Of course I didn't leave but it's a regret I'll never get over.

I think it can for some people. I raised my DD as a single parent and I will admit that I didn't enjoy it much at all. So I think if her father and I were in love and had a great partnership I really feel I would've enjoyed a bit more. Doing it all alone, felt lonely and a lot of times like a chore til she got to be a teenager. I always longingly wonder how parenthood would've been with a loving partner to do it with.

He is trying to help out more

This is the key point. You are both parents and should share the childcare/parenting, i isn't your area for your DH to help with

[quote ToBeHappy]@treasure47
We've spoken on other threads and I know we're in a similar situation sadly.

I have felt exactly what you're describing for 10 years since my DD was born. The majority of the time he made those early days with your newborn more stressful than not. I remember picking her up out of her cot at around 4 months and telling her that me and her would leave and do fine without him.
I am still here. She now constantly comments on how miserable he is which makes me sad.

You see all these happy families out and about and I have always felt that doesn't come naturally to us.

I was desperate for a second baby, after a couple of years of further treatment we had a massive argument over something and he told me he'd never really been into the idea anyway. It broke my heart. He told me if it mattered that much then I should leave him and find someone else to father my second child.
Of course I didn't leave but it's a regret I'll never get over. [/quote]
I don't necessarily think my husband is consciously avoiding helping, and he doesn't do nothing but he lacks a bit of drive. I remember in the early newborn days there were a few weeks where I pretty much did everything! Housework and baby related, even getting up in the mornings early, no extra sleep etc. But after that it's like something finally kicked in and he started helping out. He wasn't as attentive as I'd hoped from the get go. And sometimes I feel like I have to "direct" him towards certain tasks rather than him just being proactive.
I think those things would be easier to deal with if I felt like I enjoyed spending time with him. Before having a child I used to enjoy time to myself and because now that time is very limited, I usually do just want to spend it alone! And probably because I very rarely get a break I need the time alone! But then I feel guilty that I'm not putting in effort, so I have tried but at the moment it feels forced and a bit unnatural (at least from my side). He's a good person and would never cheat or abuse me but I do just feel unfulfilled.

[quote ToBeHappy]@treasure47
We've spoken on other threads and I know we're in a similar situation sadly.

I have felt exactly what you're describing for 10 years since my DD was born. The majority of the time he made those early days with your newborn more stressful than not. I remember picking her up out of her cot at around 4 months and telling her that me and her would leave and do fine without him.
I am still here. She now constantly comments on how miserable he is which makes me sad.

You see all these happy families out and about and I have always felt that doesn't come naturally to us.

I was desperate for a second baby, after a couple of years of further treatment we had a massive argument over something and he told me he'd never really been into the idea anyway. It broke my heart. He told me if it mattered that much then I should leave him and find someone else to father my second child.
Of course I didn't leave but it's a regret I'll never get over. [/quote]
That is really sad that your DD says that he's miserable 😕 Does he know that she says that?

@Sunnytwobridges

I think it can for some people. I raised my DD as a single parent and I will admit that I didn't enjoy it much at all. So I think if her father and I were in love and had a great partnership I really feel I would've enjoyed a bit more. Doing it all alone, felt lonely and a lot of times like a chore til she got to be a teenager. I always longingly wonder how parenthood would've been with a loving partner to do it with.

It has at times felt very lonely and like a chore to me, and I have a partner 😕

@WhoppingBigBackside

He is trying to help out more

This is the key point. You are both parents and should share the childcare/parenting, i isn't your area for your DH to help with

Yes, you're absolutely right! This is something that annoyingly isn't always how people think though (including me at times!) I find myself thanking him for doing things that for me are just everyday, the norm!

I’ve got no comparison, but I suspect so. I didn’t think I could love my husband more; but I do now he’s a dad. I’d read so much about men that just don’t pull their weight… he always has. He does 95% of the nappies when he’s here, he’s always keen to wind, he sterilises for me, he makes sure I’ve got food & a drink when I’m feeding. He does a lot of the washing. He’s absolutely in love with our baby, and the baby adores him right back. I took baby out for a bit today and when we got back, he was so excited to see his daddy, it was lovely.

He’s not perfect - he’ll sometimes comment on how tired he is, he doesn’t always wake up when I could use a hand in the night, etc.

Being a parent is so taxing; as well as being rewarding, and I suspect I’ve only enjoyed it so much so far because the heavy load is spread - that’s only natural, I think. We’re only a few months in, but it has to help.

@Quamora

Coming at it from a different angle I think it’s easier to feel in love with your partner when they’re an equal parent…

This.

I was going to say yes to your question because even though we have 3 young kids which is quite a handful, I love it because I have DP to be there along for the ride who I love.

But, he does a lot with the kids and looks after them while I work, so I imagine that even though I love him very much, that could have changed drastically had he turned out to be a distant parent

@treasure47 no he doesn't know she says he's miserable. And I know it would really hurt him if he knew she preferred him working away!!
But you reap what you sow. He is often miserable and hasn't put the time and effort in with her like I have. I've spent the past 10 years as a single parent in terms of taking her to clubs, activities, parks, play dates etc. He is very good with sharing household chores but this is just standard surely as we both work.

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I’ve got no comparison, but I suspect so. I didn’t think I could love my husband more; but I do now he’s a dad. I’d read so much about men that just don’t pull their weight… he always has. He does 95% of the nappies when he’s here, he’s always keen to wind, he sterilises for me, he makes sure I’ve got food & a drink when I’m feeding. He does a lot of the washing. He’s absolutely in love with our baby, and the baby adores him right back. I took baby out for a bit today and when we got back, he was so excited to see his daddy, it was lovely.

He’s not perfect - he’ll sometimes comment on how tired he is, he doesn’t always wake up when I could use a hand in the night, etc.

Being a parent is so taxing; as well as being rewarding, and I suspect I’ve only enjoyed it so much so far because the heavy load is spread - that’s only natural, I think. We’re only a few months in, but it has to help.

That's lovely 😊 Tbh I think I did feel more like that when DS was a baby (not quite as strongly though). It's as time has gone on throat I've felt more like this. I don't for example look forward to spending time together which I don't think is right.

[quote ToBeHappy]@treasure47 no he doesn't know she says he's miserable. And I know it would really hurt him if he knew she preferred him working away!!
But you reap what you sow. He is often miserable and hasn't put the time and effort in with her like I have. I've spent the past 10 years as a single parent in terms of taking her to clubs, activities, parks, play dates etc. He is very good with sharing household chores but this is just standard surely as we both work. [/quote]
Kids definitely do pick up on moods don't they. I've noticed when one of us is down, DS seems to feed off that and it affects how he behaves or acts towards us.

I feel the same, I am sahm, I do prefer weekends as I have two and find it too stressful to take them out to a lot of places alone. However there isn't much excitement for the weekend. I don't feel excited when he gets home from work either. As a sahm i feel stuck financially, at least for now.

@Em2122

I feel the same, I am sahm, I do prefer weekends as I have two and find it too stressful to take them out to a lot of places alone. However there isn't much excitement for the weekend. I don't feel excited when he gets home from work either. As a sahm i feel stuck financially, at least for now.

That's it, no real excitement. I can imagine it's even harder with 2 children. I love having little days out with DS but when DH is with us, it doesn't feel any better particularly. I guess it's nice to share moments with him but I never really feel like I'm missing DH when he's not there.

I've seen this many times: Couple have a baby. Dynamic is then Mum&baby + DH.. The Mum makes baby&house her domain. DH does a tiny bit but not much. Mum starts to resent it + DH is left out so has his own hobbies.

(There is also the complete opposite where DH sees his DW as Mum and does sod all as he thinks it's the 1950s)

Could you try couples counselling to try to restore the family so that you are 'a couple and a baby'?

Apologies if my post lacks eloquence.