Just no joy any more

[AnotherRainyWeek]

Can anyone else relate? We are married, jobs busy but fine, kids great. There is just no joy any more. He’s grumpy every day. Loses things, house comes to a standstill while he looks. Paranoid about his health - every cut could turn septic sort of thing. Takes everything to heart … a breakage or house maintenance issue is ‘why does this keep happening?’ . There just seems to be no resilience and the moaning is constant. Also no hobbies etc, just sitting in front of phone all evening while kids and I get on with life. Am starting to dread the key turning in the door in the evening.

Well, it sounds like he has some anxiety issues that need to be addressed. I couldn't live with that. DH's family are glass-half-empty kind of people and tend towards the anxious. But DH has realised that and made lots of effort to not fall into that mindset. Luckily, in his case, it's more mindset than full-blown anxiety that needed medical intervention.

Your DH needs to deal with this or you will all live a smaller and sadder life.

Yes, he has been treated for anxiety in the past. You’re right, it’s a small life, an inward looking life. I see the brightness in things, usually.

Obviously if he struggles with anxiety you (and I) can have sympathy for him. But mental health problems are not an excuse for treating your loved ones badly. In this case, by moaning and complaining at the smallest thing (and making things into an unnecessary drama), opting out of family life etc.

He needs to accept he has a problem and then seek help. Or leave.

You don't say how old the children are but I really do believe that this sort of behaviour has a massively detrimental effect on children. It can make them overly nervous and lacking in confidence, leads to less resilience etc.

People think marriage is meant to be good all the time, are not married xD

Living with imperfections l, as he lives with yous.

Have you talked to him about how his behaviour is affecting you/the household? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

@Watchkeys

Have you talked to him about how his behaviour is affecting you/the household? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

Says I’m over reacting and he’s not in a bad mood. Or under reacting and ignoring his real problems. Making me really question my own feelings.

@Lyonic

People think marriage is meant to be good all the time, are not married xD

Living with imperfections l, as he lives with yous.

That’s what he says. I’m very tired though of being the coper and the organiser

Says I’m over reacting and he’s not in a bad mood. Or under reacting and ignoring his real problems. Making me really question my own feelings

So he thinks he's got the right answer about what reaction you're supposed to have, then? And he gets to tell you whether you're doing it right or not?

What he's really saying (along with anybody else who says someone is over reacting/oversensitive etc) is that you are reacting too much/too little/etc for his preference. He's saying that, in his opinion, his view on this situation is the right view, and, your reaction doesn't fit, so it's an inconvenience for him.

It's not an objective view he's giving. It's his opinion. He would prefer you to stop expressing inconvenient emotions. His comfort is more important than your discomfort.

Don't question your feelings; you're allowed to feel whatever you feel. A respectful partner will respect your feelings, even if they were illogical or hurtful.

People think marriage is meant to be good all the time, are not married

This isn't true. Many people are very happy in their relationships with their spouses, and don't have any ongoing conflict.

@AnotherRainyWeek
Really feel for you as I live with one exactly the same. It is draining and depressing. Told him at the weekend that I wanted to separate (second time in 4 months). He doesn't want to.

To be fair he has restarted his antidepressants and is trying to change his attitude but the negativity still comes out. It's just his nature and I know he won't really change. Trouble is when we met 21 years ago I was young and had no life experience. I now know that this sort of person sucks the joy out of a lot of situations that should be fun.

my ex is very negative (like my dad) and it sucked the joy out of everything to the point I didn't dare enjoy myself as he'd undercut it and ruin it. 2 1/2 years later I still have to consciously tell myself that it's ok to let my guard down and enjoy something.

He does it to the kids too.

I'd say talk to your husband, see if he can change his approach. If he can't - well, you are entitled to enjoy your life. Living with Eeyore is depressing for both you and any children.

Says I’m over reacting and he’s not in a bad mood. Or under reacting and ignoring his real problems. Making me really question my own feelings.

Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. Doesn't change the fact that you both have very different opinions on what is happening and these are the sorts of opinions that can't be changed with facts.

Having said that, I don't think you're over or under reacting. It's perfectly reasonable to be irritated that you have to handle everything and do everything because he is paralysed by indecision and weakness. It's also perfectly reasonable to dismiss someone's concern re sepsis for a cut on their finger (assuming it has been cleaned, you are broadly hygienic and there are no bigger issues re additional vulnerabilities).

And to the poster who said marriage isn't always perfect, that's true. But it should always be a partnership. And one person opting out is not a partnership.