Engaged but struggling to put our lives together.

[Alicesst]

Hello. Hoping somebody can advise or would love to hear opinions on how we can put our lives together.

I'm a divorced mum of 2 (7 & 12) their Dad and I split when I was pregnant with youngest and hasn't been in the picture at all. No contact from his side of the family.

My fiance is amazing. He's kind, thoughtful, caring and he is so good with my children. He has a 9 year old son who lives in France who he tries to see as often as possible but covid has been putting obstacles in the way of that happening as much as before.

We are struggling to put our lives together, or even live together. We have been together for 3 years. I work part time as a cleaner. I have no support around to help with childcare etc I have found it so hard to find other work to do that works around looking after the children and lengthy school drop-offs. I'm always looking for better/more work but live rurally and there isn't much around. I'm in receipt of UC to top up my wages but it's barely enough to scrape by each month and I hate the constant struggle. I was previously working in media and marketing before having children and feel like I'm getting nowhere financially.

My OH is currently living with friends to keep costs down to afford the travel to and from France as and when he can. If he were to move into my house he wouldn't be able to afford as many trips to see his son and would be having to pay a lot more money towards bills etc. Having to pay for my children and for us to live together would take money away from him seeing his son, it's only about 4 times a year at the moment which is so hard for them both.

So we have this difficult situation! We can't seem to afford to put our lives together (never mind a wedding) and can't seem to see a solution. We've tried excel spreadsheets to look at finances, citizens advice, talking it through so many times, are we missing something?

Any advice or tips greatly appreciated. We are both hard working and want this to work.

Can you move location? Could you move to France? What does your fiance do work wise? Could he do a second job in evenings and weekends (or could you?) Could you look for remote working jobs that you can do without needing to travel? If you've previously worked in media can you do proof reading or tutoring online? Could you set up your own business? If you have to get kids to and from school could you become a childminder for those hours and get paid by other parents for doing the school run?

Okay, so he's house-sharing a with friend - is the rent very favourable? I'm just thinking that logistically he'd be going from one houseshare (with friend) to another (with you), so why the big disparity?

I also don't understand why he'd be paying for your DC - surely that's your responsibility? Andy why doesn't your DC's DF pay anything towards their upkeep? Have you chased him for CM?

I moved here for cheaper rent, my OH works full time. I work from home doing ironing also in the evenings and weekends so that I can have that to al so do when my children are home from school sick etc. The travel is getting my children to two different schools (2.5 hours driving per day) I've looked into being a childminder, however I live so rurally so think I'd need a bigger car and I can't afford the initial outlay for that and the various courses involved to get started.

Yes his rent is very favourable, £300 pcm. Mine is £800. I mean if he were to live here he would have to pay towards the bills, those of which help to pay for my children. Yes, totally my responsibility, always have been. I'm still paying off court fees for divorce and for getting ex to pay CM, he does now pay CM but that doesn't pay the bills.

Why doesn't he move in with you and pay you £300 plus money for food?

He needs to suck up the losses if he wants this to work I’m afraid. Or consider a move to France for you both, if that is doable.

He doesn’t really have any business getting engaged if his prior commitments and responsibilities means he can’t afford to commit to his next relationship.

This isn’t really your problem to solve. If he doesn’t want to take a bit of a financial hit, you can’t move forwards.

He moves in and pays you £300 a month plus his share of the extra food? That means he’s paying the same as where he is now? Right? You will be better off and he will be the same?
Can’t you move closer to the secondary school? It must be killing you in petrol?

I don't think suggesting OP moves to France is sensible tbh.

OP, does your local council not have a scheme to help rural children get to school? That school run sounds exhausting and it's clearly restricting your job prospects. Speak to the council and your children's school, ours runs a minibus service.

Is the £300 for his rent and his bills? Surely he pays for his own food anyway so he should pay a proportion of the food bill. His living costs seem very low considering he only goes to France 4x a year, what is his wage like?

If he moves in with you and pays you the £300 would you be worse off as you'll lose your universal credit etc? He could pay the £300 plus contribute towards food. At least for now. I understand it would be fair for him to pay half but if that's not possible then something is better than nothing if you want to make it work? Maybe as things change he could up his payment.
As for going to France 4x a year. How old is his child. Can he not just come and spend the summer holiday here instead of all the trips? Does his mother contribute to access for his father. At the end of the day, contact is in favour of her child, not just the dad 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I don't want to sound negative here but please just be careful that he isn't angling to come live with you for free.

You don't have to live with boyfriends - it's only on mumsnet that everyone lives with boyfriends and girlfriends, in real life I don't know more than a few people who do that, they generally are either married or they live separately.

Yes I'd loose universal credit if he moved in, he works an hour and a half a way from me, by the time he pays the extra to me for rent plus petrol he wouldn't be able to afford to see his son very often.

Thanks for the idea about contacting the school, I'll give it another go. Its not the catchment area school so it's further away ( the local school is horrendous)

Yes the child does come here to spend time, but the euro tunnel and petrol isn't cheap for the round trip both ways, plus he only has a certain amount of holiday per year. Child's mother isn't helpful at all on that front. He pays £300 maintenance per month for the child.

I expect you would lose more in your universal credit than he would contribute - that’s why he cannot financially move in with you .
What’s stopping you finding another property nearer schools that you could rent together
You would be less well off but at least less of a school run too.
As far as I’m aware if you chose to send the kids to a non catchment school they won’t be eligible for free transport

The cheaper rent isn't really cheaper though if you're spending 2.5 hours in the car surely? What is that in petrol a month? I'd be considering finding somewhere the two of you could move, together, that is closer to schools and, ideally, cheaper.

Also, i hate to say this, but how do his friends feel about him paying just £300 to live in their house? I mean, that seems like quite a big ask?

If he pays £300 now to a friend, surely he could pay that to you?

Your rent doesn't sound very cheap - loads of cities have houses for the same or lower rental costs.
Why do you need to live in such a rural location when it's not even the same location as your kids schools? In a large town or city, they could walk or get a bus and you could get a ft job

Yes why don’t you move so you are not so rural? There will be more job opportunities and it would make sense to move nearer one of the schools to cut down the journey.

Can you make a plan to live together when both your dc are in the same secondary school?

So you'd lose universal credit.
You'd lose your 25% single person council tax
You'd lose your low wage council tax support
You'd lose free school meals (tho school would keep PP while they were in primary)
You'd lose your rent support.

Can you move closer to school?
After school care with accredited supplier so you can claim 85% of costs?
It's not an easy one. I'm in the same boat and know I can never move anyone in while I need UC.

@timestheyarechanging

If he pays £300 now to a friend, surely he could pay that to you?

I think the point is that she would lose her UC if he moved in so he would have to make up whatever she loses. I agree with those that say move somewhere less rural, less travel time to schools, and more work opportunities.

It doesn’t make sense to live somewhere for cheaper rent but you can’t work as many hours because the work isn’t there plus you have the petrol for the school run to pay out and hours a day in the car when you could be working!

Where you live now is costing you.

Move somewhere with a decent job market and schools near so you're not wasting 2. 5 hours a day driving and unable to earn to your capacity.
There are plenty of work from home jobs in marketing, content creation, social media management.
Imagine wfh making good money and your DC having a 10 minute walk to school.