Co-dependency advice?

[justtrying11]

Has anyone managed to turn around a co-dependant relationship.

Me and H separated last year and have both spent the time apart working on ourselves, both in individual therapy.

We spent months it's absolutely no contact with each other. It's come to light that our marriage was co dependant. Me being the giver and him the taker.

We both come from traumatic childhoods - H's being particularly bad and he's learning how to deal with his past and how it affects his relationships.

With H being the taker, he is determined to find a ways to ensure he doesn't go backwards. In therapy he's learning so much.

We are taking things extremely slowly, we both live separately and have no plans to move back in together until we are sure we can make it work. We see each other once a week to meet for a coffee, go for a walk and that's as far as it goes right now.

H has come further than I ever imagined. And he's done it off his own back. I have done the same - I'm proud to say I'm actually proud of myself as a 'carer' type person - I am learning how to put myself first and have done things for myself I never thought possible.

Both me and H agree that we are on our own journeys now and we must not get in the way of each others of healing but we do have a lot of love for each other and want to support each other.

I need to learn how to be supportive - I know it's not my job to fix him and he's actually doing that on his own.

Has anyone experienced this? We are both pretty much open in that it may not work. Neither of us want the pain and heartache from separating again but there's still enough love there to try.

We have 1 dc who we are parenting separately for now as we don't want to confuse him by doing family things when it may not be a permanent thing.

I'd just be interested to know if anyone has been through this? From what I thought, it would be unlikely it would ever work but H has put a lot of work into him self off his own back whilst we had no contact which is further than I ever expected. His therapist thinks we have a good chance as long as we take things slowly and prepare to put the effort in - this is what his therapist has said to me. Mine has said similar but is more focused on getting me out of 'carer' mode

I’m surprised his therapist has spoken to you - his sessions should be confidential?
Anyway yes I tried it but it didn’t work . I changed so much - for the better - through my own therapy that I no longer felt the same about the ex and actually wanted a better fresh less hassle relationship for my future .
It’s very easy to slip back into old ways when you mix with an old crowd /person

@Fidgety31

I’m surprised his therapist has spoken to you - his sessions should be confidential? Anyway yes I tried it but it didn’t work . I changed so much - for the better - through my own therapy that I no longer felt the same about the ex and actually wanted a better fresh less hassle relationship for my future . It’s very easy to slip back into old ways when you mix with an old crowd /person

It was in a telephone call during the therapy appointment with my H. H was part of the conversation too. I knew about the call beforehand. Should of mentioned that sorry.

Yes it's a very strange situation to be in but part of me feels the more we work on ourselves individually, the more we may drift apart. It was just a situation I never thought we would both get too. We've both come a long was as individuals. I'm proud of H and how far he's come but I need to remember that doesn't mean I need to be rushing back to him. That's me being still in carer role which I am trying to get out of.

I just never in a million years thought we would end up here and I feel I owe it to my marriage to try