Do you think it's difficult to find friends as a mum

[LovelyNanny26]

Hello.I'm 35 years old and a mum of DC he will be 2 in two months.I work part time and study do large chunk of childcare and after all of that Im too tired to meet friends.Is this normal?My husband thinks I should reach out but people but either don't have time or never get back to you.But most importantly I have realised that I'm happy to be on my own and not indulgence in friendships.I have don't loads of drinking and partying in my 20s so I don't miss that part.My husband still goes out but is quite sporadic and he always moans at me for not having friends.I have joined my local book club but only because I like books and I like to take part in a debate.

I think it takes quite a bit of effort and work and even then sr of it is luck if you find people you get on with. I’ve made some mum friends but I had to put myself out there in ways that were at times uncomfortable and sometimes people are nice but I just don’t click with them.
If you’re happy how you are then I don’t see that you really need to but do you have other friends or other people in your life other than your husband? I

I do have some friends but we are not that close.I don't have any family here mine live abroad and my husbands family is non existent.

I think it's difficult to find the time to maintain friendships while also working FT/kids/running the house/seeing family/having alone time/hobbies. I try to see friends less these days as the pressure of it all is too much for me. And that's from someone who always longed to be part of a friendship group of girls who go for drinks/dinner/holidays

That's how I'm feeling.All the housework is left to me and childcare.On top of that I study and work part time and that doesn't leave me with much time for social life.I'm quite shattered after all of that.

I feel similar I have a few friends but not that close. Not close to extended family. It bothers me as I would like more of a feeling of connection with people but at same time I don't really have energy. I do worry whilst it's not an issue now it may be in future also I get envious of other people going out and having fun and of the closeness other people have with family but I know whilst I want what they have but if I had it I wouldn't enjoy if that makes sense 😂

What are you studying @LovelyNanny26 ?
Sounds like you're more of an intellectual so 'going out' friends won't really float your boat anyway. It's difficult to find that sort of friend when you have so many responsibilities. Is there anyone at the book club you'd be compatible with?

I think that not having friends doesn’t feel like a problem, for as long as your relationship is going well and you’re wrapped up in your small child etc. As your child becomes older and less dependent on you, or if/when you have lonely or disconnected patches in your marriage, that’s when suddenly you realise that having nobody to turn to to talk about anything with or share a problem or get an opinion on is very very isolating.

Personally, I can’t imagine not having any friends - I have loads, and they’re an enormous feature in my life, we spend a lot of time together and they bring me a lot of love. I’d also find it difficult to have a partner with no friends or social life: conversations about work or studying or childcare or domestic chores aren’t exactly the stuff of life, and perhaps that’s why your DH feels you need some friends and opportunities to get out of the house to do be “you” rather than just “a mum”?

How did you make and keep all your friends @ComtesseDeSpair ?

I can’t imagine not having a supportive network of friends. I’m a lone parent of one, it takes effort and organisation to maintain my friendships but it’s worth it for the fun and support I have with them. I work full time, and obviously parent solo. If I hadn’t maintained friendships from before I had my child, to developing new ones through work and also parent groups I would have been incredibly lonely when my relationship ended. I treasure the friendships in my life, from going camping with kids, to nights out when I can get a babysitter to coffee with kids in tow, they add so much to my life. It’s not always easy and I don’t always see everyone as much as I would like but that’s this season of life. But I am aware my child will be older one day, and so I’m grateful that sustaining friendships now will mean I’m not alone when older.

Before I had children I had largely lost the friends I had when younger. Once I was a SAHM, I made loads of other mum friends - for me that was the easiest time of life to make friends.

Why does your husband moan at you for not having friends? What's his issue?

Tell him that maybe you'd have time for friendships if the lazy arse didn't leave all the housework and childcare to you

@RainyWales

How did you make and keep all your friends *@ComtesseDeSpair* ?

A range of places: I joined my local Women’s Institute, I go to ParkRun (and the cafe meet afterwards), got chatting to people at my PT studio. I’m pretty friendly with a couple of people I know through professional networks and old colleagues. If I e.g. get on well with a friend’s partner we might do something if mutual interest together; sometimes through that I meet the partner’s friends, and the friends’ friends after that, and on it goes.

The OP doesn’t seem to be interested in “going out out” but DP and I go to a lot of parties and we’re both on the Burning Man scene (which is an instant route to a hundred and one friends for life) and have met a lot of people that way over the years; whilst this isn’t always terribly feasible for those with children, I have a few couple friends with children who just take it in turns to go out / do childcare whilst their OH goes out, so it isn’t entirely off the cards if you do like partying.

And then yes, there is undeniable effort required to cultivate real friendships arising from all of that that sort of thing and build them further / arrange other activities to do together - but I firmly believe the effort is worth the reward, and most people are pretty busy in one way or another and understand the limitations of how much time you can spend with them.

I'm the same @LovelyNanny26, we should be friends but never speak or see eachother 😇

You sound fine as you are, LovelyNanny, don't worry about it. As your children get older, you will have a bit more time and may find yourself forming some new friendships, especially at work, but it is important to be content on your own, which you are.

I'm studying towards a BA in Childhood and Youth studies with the Open University.Its been hard going but I'm going to graduate this May.I'm quite intelligent and I like current affairs and history,reading and I love a good debate.I have joined the club because I like books.

That's excellent, LovelyNanny. You must be quite disciplined in some areas to be able to study to an advanced level at home, good on you.

As long as you are reasonably happy, don't worry about anybody else's assessment of your life, including your husband's; they are not you and everyone has different needs.

I foresee an interesting future for you.