Married to someone who doesn't want me

[BumbleFuck]

Hi everyone, sorry about the first post whinge but I have noone else to talk to.

We've been married 8 years and have two little kids. We used to have a great sex life but the last 4 - 5 years things have pretty much dried up to the point that we've had dry spells of around a year and in the last 3 years we've only had sex 14 times. A couple of those ended in disaster too.

We get on pretty well although I am spoken to like a stupid child from time to time. I feel like our relationship is slipping further and further out of reach and that I'm the only one who cares enough to try and do anything about it. I desparately miss the intimacy of sex and right now I feel hideously undesirable and unwanted which isn't how I'd imagined myself feeling in my late 30's.

When we do talk about our relationship and sex life, I get all the promises but nothing ever changes. I've tried being a bit more caring, attentive, giving space (things went to zero with that one), avoiding talking about it etc but nothing seems to work. I get "I want to want it but I don't".

I asked if there is anyone else which is apparently no. I've said that I have a need for sex and tentitively suggested opening our relationship which was a solid no.

I just don't know what to do any more. I feel uttely rejected and at a very low ebb. I dread going to bed at night because I know if I try and get close that I'll get shut down so I don't try any more. I often lay awake, staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry.

I would contact a solicitor and have a chat about where you stand in the event of separation and or divorce.

Counselling. You need to talk.
Not to pressure your (gender neutral) partner into sex but to air this.
Are they prepared to go to the Dr?
If not what kind of marriage will you have. As in an agreement that you don't try.
I'm more on the side of saying you shouldn't have to live in a sex less relationship if you don't want to - as in you leave not force the sex or cheat.
I think joint counselling would give you the space to lay that down as an option and both of you think about it
But it can get better as kids get older and you have more time and space for yourselves.

I feel like our relationship is slipping further and further out of reach and that I'm the only one who cares enough to try and do anything about it

If you've told your partner how you feel and they don't try to find ways to help you feel better, then, very simply, you're with the wrong partner.

I feel hideously undesirable and unwanted

This isn't about your desirability. Most people aren't fancied by most people. There's just a few people who fancy each person. Some more than others, but even Hollywood heartthrobs have people who say 'Ew, no, I've never seen the appeal of him/her' Not being fancied by one person isn't a measure of your desirability. You weren't put on this earth to cater for the sexual mores of this one person, and I think that recognising that their view of you isn't universal, that their view of you isn't 'the right view', and that everybody will have different views of you, will do you a lot of good here.

They don't fancy you? That's fine. They like to speak to you like a stupid child? That's fine. They want to not follow through on promises that mean a lot to you? That's fine. They want to dismiss your needs? That's fine, too. It's all fine.

The question is about you taking responsibility for yourself. Do you want that relationship? If not, accept that your partner is not willing to give you what you want, and move on.

Don't stay in situations that make you feel crap. That's 'boundaries', in one sentence, and if you follow that one, single line of advice, your life will change wildly for the better.