Is she still worth pursuing?

[tawaanchu]

Hi all. So I’m a 23 year old recent graduate and I’m very new to dating. I have never had any gf before, only asked 2 girls before and they both friend-zoned me. I have always taken my career seriously.

So I have been talking to this girl for around 6 months. We started talking on instagram,realised that we attended same school, even though we live in different cities. We exchanged numbers and started talking everyday for hours. I finally told her that I would like to get to know her and see a future with her and she said she would like to do know me as well. We come from very conservative cultures so till now we have never initiated anything sexual.

We finally met after 3 months of talking and the first date went okayish, even though I was extremely nervous. However around one week after our first date, I noticed that she started to take less interest in me in terms of texting and calling. She literally disappeared for a week from all social media’s. When she came back and I told her, she said she has been having a very hard time with work and it’s not about me at all, she also apologised for acting this way. Gradually texts and calls became less. I recently planned another trip to visit her and I travelled all the way to her city, we spent two days together. We had a great time and even she said it was quite fun. At the end of our long date, I asked her that I would like to see her more and we could build on something very beautiful in future. To this she said that ‘she will think about it’. I also told her that I have a crush on her and would appreciate if she will let me know sooner. She said she will let me know and whilst I told her, I noticed that she was getting shy and had quick smile on her face.

I don’t know how to take this. Does ‘I will think about it’ mean that this is over now? We still have been texting each other since then. I constantly keep thinking about her and been wondering to ask her directly if she has thought about it. I shall be very grateful for an advice. I really do want to be with her :(

She dialled back on contact after yr date. So i would not expect anything romantic no.

Ah I’m not sure how to take this. We both come from a very traditional cultured background, where girls appear hard to get. I’m quite confused, I don’t know if I should give her more time and plan another date or just ask her straightaway for a clarity. I’m so confused :(

I would say she’s not interested I’m afraid. Give her time and space and then contact her, if she is keen you will know then.

I would suggest slowing down and try to be less intense about it. Just take things a step at a time and don't push any boundaries.

One of the defining traits of a successful and happy relationship is that both parties feel that they can communicate openly with each other. The fact that you are so uncomfortable and torn, even at this very early stage, suggests that this relationship would not be a healthy one for you. Essentially what you're saying is 'This person makes me feel confused, I can't ask her how she's feeling, and it's really bothering me; should I buy into more of this?'

If you can't ask her how she feels, how do you think you'd be able to have a relationship with clear, respectful, open communication?

Thanks a lot everyone. I’m not sure how long should I wait, I wouldn’t like to put any pressure on her :( I feel I have very strong feelings for her and will feel sad if this doesn’t work out. She’s still talking normally to me at this stage despite knowing that I have a crush on her, I don’t know what to do next. We have only met twice in person rest it’s all been on calls/messages.

We have only met twice in person rest it’s all been on calls/messages

How old are you? This isn't a relationship.

Tell her how you feel and listen to her response. This isn't rocket science.

She’s trying to let you down gently, and giving hints to back off.

Women aren’t something “to pursue”, it’s not a fox hunt. Nor is there such a thing as a friend zone. Telling someone on the first date that you see a future together is a lot of pressure.

In future I would go a lot slower, and be a lot less full-on so quickly. And try being friends with women instead of seeing it as a second-best “friend zone” relegation.

You talking about the future after a couple of dates is rather intense.

Maybe that has put her off.

Can’t you just meet up for fun dates where you both do something you both like ...?walks, coffee etc to start with and no talking about future ?

Then see where it goes.

If you’re feeling confused by then it’s probably not going to develop into a relationship.

Thanks for all your responses. Yeah I guess I should suggest taking her out on more dates. She has always been willing to plan dates with me. I guess right now she appears to be put off. She has reduced texting me, even though she always replies and keeps the convos going, she now only texts like once or twice a day.

I perhaps shouldn’t bring this up again. I’m just so naive when it comes to dating. As I said above I’m 23 years old and have never been in relationship before. But atm I feel I have catched strong feelings for this girl :( I just don’t know if I should still continue talking to her, I don’t want to be in a position where she just talks to me for being polite.

You are moving to fast in my opinion,it can be very off putting!

I’m just so naive when it comes to dating

Yes, and this will lead to endless hurt for you. Follow one piece of advice: if you can't, for whatever reason, ask a person how they feel about you, and your relationship, then don't have a relationship with them.

That's it. It's basically 'Don't invite uncertainty close to your heart'. Your heart will be worried, anxious, unsettled, unnerved, by uncertainty . Spend your time with people who make you feel comfortable, settled, secure.

Think about how you organise your life: if you want to feel, generally, a particular way, spend most of your time in places/with people who make you feel that way. Don't spend it in places/with people who make you feel a different way, and try to amend yourself. You don't need amending. You need to be with people you're compatible with.

As you're both inexperienced there's a lot of potential for misunderstanding here. For this reason I think you need to be very clear. You need to tell her straight that you want a relationship, not a friendship, and that if she's not on the same page it's better not to keep messaging. Its very difficult to maintain a friendship with some one you want more from. You'll constantly be looking for signs she's changed her mind. So if you don't want the same thing, it's better you know that so you can move on. When I say tell her you want a relationship, I would avoid using terms like 'future' as this suggests a long term committed it's far too early to expect. Just make it clear you want a girlfriend type relationship, not a friend one.

Are there arranged marriages in your culture? Might she be expecting you to go through some usual process?

Thanks a lot everyone. She clearly knows that I want a relationship as I told her during our last meeting that I would like to see her often and there’s something beautiful we can build. I also told her at the end that I have a crush on her to which she kinda smiled and looked away. To this she kept saying that she will think about it and let me know.

After our meeting, we continued to text each other normally but she only sends one or two texts a day. She hasn’t replied to my text since the past two days now and I’m getting really anxious and stressed. I guess this means it’s over now, I’m not sure if I should still call her next week to get an answer. I’m just so confused :(

Do you come from a culture that expects marriage rather than prolonged dating? This might explain why the OP is keen to talk about and plan a future so quickly as that's more the norm.

OP I would normally say that once people start cooling off it means they are not interested, and you can feel the difference. It may be that shes doesn't know how to tell you it it may be that she wants to keep you as an option. Either way don't invest too much of yourself here because you will probably get hurt. Can you start talking to/date other people? If your inexperienced it may be once you start meeting others you might realise she's not that great after all.

Yeah I come from a culture that prefers marriage than prolonged dating!
I think you are right, I guess I should stop contacting her and move on now :( I just feel so sad as I really wanted to be with her

It’s been a week now and she didn’t reply to my last text. She also de activated her social media for around 3 days but now she has activated them again. I’m not sure if I should just ring her now to tell me if she has made a decision or shall I just leave it. I’m so confused, I keep thinking about her :(

Sometime no response is the response.

Yeah you are right but on our last conversation she said she has lots of stuff going on and then she again deactivated her social media for days. Idk I’m so confused :( I guess I should just block her completely and move on with my life but it’s just the fact that it’s gonna be awkward. I’m so tempted to call her to let me know her decision which I will truly respect and it would probably give me that closure. :(

I don't think you should be confused. She is not sending mixed messages.

"I have lots going on" is a diplomatic way of letting you know she's not interested without embarrassing you or making it too awkward.

It can be hard for women to say "im not interested in you". Some men just accept that but some men hear "im not interested in you" and they go from liking you to hating you in the blink of an eye.

You could block her if you really cannot cope with her not being interested in a relationship with you. But you dont need to unless it gives you peace to know that a message cant come in now. So that you stop hoping.

If she was interested she'd have sent a message.

Id just move on and not get so invested 8n to somebody who isnt reciprocating your interest next time.

Her not replying/ texting calling is her response. That is her answer. I would leave her alone. Go completely "no contact". No phone calls, texts, WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook any social media. If she liked you she wouldn't have to think about being with you. By the sounds of it she just didn't know how to say no or didn't want to say it to your face. She's saying no in the only way she knows how.

No or reduced communication is, in itself, a form of communication. If she was keen, she would engage with you more. Sorry but it doesn’t sound like this is going anywhere

Talking about seeing a future after two dates freaks most women out and they see it as future faking. Also telling a guy after a couple of dates that you don't see them in a romantic light is hazardous - I was called all kinds of names for doing this. I believe in straight talking, and would have said it anyway. I would focus on a social life rather than dating as someone said upthread, we aren't foxes to be chased.