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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single Life?

15 replies

disastrousdater · 22/02/2022 22:30

I was reading an article about a lady in her 50s who had been single for most of her adult life and had finally met the right person at 51. The way she described her dating experienced resonated with me except that I still haven't found the right person.

I'm in my 50s and my relationships have been few and far between. I've been online dating on and off since my 30s. I have done various interests and hobbies, not with the main intention to meet a man, but to have an interest and be sociable.

With the online dating I rarely find someone I like. Then there's the excitement of finally finding a spark with someone and then the low of being dumped after a couple of months.

I've got to the point where I think maybe I'm supposed to be on my own. I feel disappointed and lonely at times but there are things in my life I enjoy.

Anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:

Fairycake2 · 22/02/2022 23:47

I'm definitely beginning to feel this could well be me!

CatAndHisKit · 22/02/2022 23:53

I'm sure many feel like this, whatever the age (well 30+ for sure) - most do manage to enjoy aspects of single life while ideally (or strrongly) wanting a parter - not sure what your question is, OP?
If you mean does anyone loves single life and gave up dating - I'd say some, a minority, imo the majority wants a relationship eventually but if they can't gget it there is a degree of disappointment with life.

CatAndHisKit · 22/02/2022 23:54

(sorry for typos!)

DatingDinosaur · 23/02/2022 00:35

Yes, me.

For the most part I’m happy to be “on my own”. I like being selfish my independence. But sometimes, just sometimes, I think it would be nice to have a “someone” in my life to share things with.

Then I read all the posts in here about how shit men are and how screwed up everybody is feeling and think “actually, I’m alright as I am thanks”.

I’m now of a mindset that if someone comes into my life that I “click” with, then great. But until then, I’m quite happy as I am. I can’t be bothered to “put myself out there” anymore. The moments of loneliness pass.

Original poster

disastrousdater · 23/02/2022 09:19

@DatingDinosaur - what you said sums up my situation precisely!

OP posts:

5128gap · 23/02/2022 09:40

I think so much depends on who else is in your life. The women I know who are genuinely fully content with this have a strong network of family and friends, and often a 'significant other' in the shape of a very close female friend. They are happy and their lives seem smooth, with none of the faff and nuisance, compromise, and ups and downs relationships (particularly with men) can bring. I think most people want someone for whom they are a priority, who has their back, they can be themselves with, and practically, is around to do and share things with. Lots of people want an intimate relationship because they think it will bring these things, but many end up disappointed, because in reality, a lot don't.

OldDocs · 23/02/2022 09:43

I'm 47. I've never had a serious relationship never been in love, never looked at someone and thought, "This is it!"

In fact, I've always thought I wasn't ready to settle down, asked myself what if the perfecta for me is right around the corner..?
I've always known the person I was woth was not someone I wanted 'forever'.

Until I got together with a man I've done a hobby with for the past 4 years or so. I know already that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. And he says the same of me. He has had long term relationships in the past, been in love amd been happy but says that what we have is easier, more comfortable and safer than any of those ever felt. Neither of us feel that we are compromising.

I've never 'needed' to he in a relationship and have always felt trapped by them. He doesn't make me feel trapped in anyway.

But if it all fell apart, went wrong or he let me down, I'd be ok and content being single again and I qouldnt be looking for anyone else because I've never 'looked' anyway.

Original poster

disastrousdater · 23/02/2022 10:16

@5128gap - This is very true.

@OldDocs - I'm glad things worked out for you!

OP posts:

Supersee · 23/02/2022 10:23

Yes me! I've just turned 40 and my last proper relationships were in my 20's, and even though I was in love they weren't big or great relationships. I spent my 30's on/off online dating, a few situationships, flings but nothing meaningful has transpired.

I don't actually mind being single and it doesn't stop me from doing the things I love doing (travelling on my own) but with the pandemic, friends having kids/settling down, I have found myself getting more isolated and thinking I should try and get a hobby or make more effort with online dating again as I'd quite like a companion (I also love eating out and that's not much fun alone).

I don't seem to like anyone though! Anyone I've ever fancied bar one has been I've grown to like them due to their personality, I would never have swiped for them based on looks. I'm also an introvert which I try to hide which makes things more complicated. Sigh.

Original poster

disastrousdater · 23/02/2022 10:53

@Supersee - Similar situation here. I got very isolated during the pandemic but I'd like to be a bit more social now. I can be introverted so don't mind spending time on my own but would love to having a partner to eat out with.

OP posts:

Supersee · 23/02/2022 11:06

When I say proper relationships I mean like, two! One was a shit boyfriend, the other was a great guy but it didn't really get off the ground.

Musttryharder2021 · 23/02/2022 12:19

@5128gap

@5128gap

Some really valid points there especially about having a strong network of family, friends and children potentially.

I wouldn't have been happy to continue 'existing' on my own for the foreseeable future. I'd say I'm fairly independent, have supportive family but they don't leave nearby, a few good friends, own my property (mortgaged) but I became a single mother by choice (IVF with a doner) because I wanted a connection (life long hopefully), intimacy, create my own family, a sense of legacy? build a new network of friends through my child hopefully...I'm knees deep in looking after a young child now that I don't have time to ruminate about existential crisis (which is what I used to do a lot of)...

ButtonBound · 23/02/2022 20:16

I'm 40. Never had a boyfriend, never had sex, never been kissed, never even been hit on.

It's one of those things when you're younger, you assume will happen at some point. Then it doesn't and time ticks on. I do have self-esteem issues and I don't particularly trust men. There'll always be someone prettier, smarter and funnier than me so why would anyone pick me? Or they'd leave when they found someone better. I've been told that you need to love yourself first and I get that but I do feel like I'd benefit from a little bit of attention. Maybe it wouldn't help me but maybe it would.

It's funny, some days I think 'screw it, I'm better off alone'. I tell myself that there isn't someone for everyone, and that I am just meant to be alone. Somedays I desperately want to be 'somebody's somebody'.

I'm a bit of a walking contradiction really!

Supersee · 23/02/2022 20:35

*It's funny, some days I think 'screw it, I'm better off alone'. I tell myself that there isn't someone for everyone, and that I am just meant to be alone. Somedays I desperately want to be 'somebody's somebody'.

I'm a bit of a walking contradiction really!*

Can completely relate to this. I'm super independent, tell myself that meeting someone is down to luck which unfortunately hasn't been bestowed on me, that life will be just fine me, myself and I. Except when it's not.

I can also totally relate to wanting to be someone's priority. I've never been someone's priority. I'm the middle child and the black sheep, my friends in my small circle all have another friend who is number one. Others have their partners. I feel like I'm always trailing or on the outside looking in.

Frollop · 23/02/2022 20:56

There are alot of people in unhappy relationships and I need to remember to never put myself in that position again just so I'm in a relationship.

@ButtonBound I think alot of people have self esteem issues which for me has led to some poor choices which I would erase from my past if I could. Have you tried meeting people via Meet Up groups/hobbies. I'm going to attend again when the weather gets better. There have been some nice guys there and girls and I'm sure some people meet partners there which may start off as friends.

I think at this stage I'd rather have a pet and a partner who I see a day or two a week and for holidays. I'm lucky I have good friends and can do things by myself but don't have any motivation at the moment.

I think you try and accept your life hasn't turned out as planned and be greatful for what you do have but it's not always easy.
I find it hard when the weather is good and couples/families are out and you have no plans.

I do think my mood is low partly as I've never met someone decent to settle down with.

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