Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated sister - marriage over?

18 replies

Chompiemompie · 22/02/2022 21:42

I am hoping someone will come along with some advice on how I can support my wee sister.

She has been married for 10 years. On the outside a perfect marriage to everyone but for many years I thought that she didn't have a life apart from him. No friends and no social life without him but as I am very independant, I thought I may have been skewed.

Her husband was welcomed into our family and everyone loved him. My folks and myself have helped them lots over the years, including financially.

3 years ago he left her after months of her feeling anxious and paranoid that things were going wrong but he told her she was crazy, mentally ill and paranoid.

Classic really as he told her when he was leaving that he didn't love her and that whilst he didn't love another woman, he had met someone who was just a friend at that stage.
My sister was devastated and completely fell apart. It was heart breaking to see her.
When he came back 2 months later, he was welcomed with open arms by her. She agreed to make alot of changes that he wanted. That included lots of things that seemed all about making him happy and part of that was not being in as close contact with her family as he was now uncomfortable around us.
None of us said too much, as we were scared we wouldn't see her but I was hurt and angry. More so when our dad was very ill before he died in January 2021 and she didn't see him for months.
I never criticised him to her but felt so concerned at what seemed a real reduction in her life, with him having a social life away from her and taking up new hobbies without her. She stayed at home to save money.

Fast forward to last September, he moved out again saying he didn't love her, thought he might again one day and would be back when ready. He moved in with his parents, leaving my sister to cover all rent and bills.
She believed he would be back and basically sat waiting for him to feel OK and return.

He came back unannounced 2 weekends ago. Spent the whole time playing his guitars and not speaking to her. On valentines day, a text from the same woman from 3 years ago came through onto the TV as he had just hooked up his phone and play station again. It thanked him for the card with lots of hearts. He said it was a get well card to an acquaintance. She believed him, thinking he was so considerate and what a lovely gesture.
I was quietly somewhat more cynical.

2 days later that he said he had made a mistake, missed his mum and needed to go back to her but he would move back in again at some stage but he didn't know if it would be weeks, months or years.
He then ended it by text completely on Wednesday, saying that it was over but it might not be, he wasn't in love with her but might be again one day, he needed a new life but is so upset to leave his old one. He was dojng this for my sister even though she didn't want it as he was a nice guy. He wants to be in daily contact as he is worried he will miss her. He wants to leave most of his stuff there as there is no room at his mother's.
😳😳😳🙄
She hasn't slept or eaten since then.
I live in another country and can't see her. She can't answer calls as she is too upset and has fallen out with her only friends who are work mates as they criticised him. She has been to my mums but won't talk and has said if anyone is angry with him, she won't speak to them again. She says she just feels so sad, mainly for him as he is sad. She has said that she will wait for him, for the rest of her life if needs be. She can't afford to keep their rented house but wants to stay to make sure his stuff can be stored and that he will be back one day.

I am heart broken for her but also want her to see how poorly she has been treated. I have paid off some of her rent as she is now in debt.
I think he is being cruel when he so clearly has checked out of their marriage but feel I can't say anything.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Fairycake2 · 22/02/2022 23:45

Would she go and see a counsellor? Hopefully they can help her see what a prick he is and that she should cut him off completely and for good

Happylittlethoughts · 23/02/2022 05:15

I'd try and get her to seek counselling too.
Awful as it is, she doesn't sound ready to let him go and cannot see the destructive impact of her dependency.
Heart broken as you are she may have to experience the consequences of her choices fully. Stop paying her bills. Let reality hit.But I think (personal opinion) that a very simple analogy being addicted to a substance. The person is oblivious to destructive impact or just reframes it. No one can really help until you reach your point of realisation - often a "rock bottom".

AlternativePerspective · 23/02/2022 05:41

yes, I would say something. not least because when she does realize that it's really over, she will question why none of her friends and family ever said anything.

so I would be encouraging her to speak to a solicitor at the very least.

Malibuismysecrethome · 23/02/2022 05:58

I would have a word with him and his mother. Seriously, who does he think he is. Stop being passive he is abusive.

Alrightqueenie · 23/02/2022 06:22

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php she needs to do the online freedom course to help her recognise red flag

I'd approach it from a purely practical perspective for now as she's still loyal to him. Get her to sort finances, housing - tenancy or mortgage, collect important paperwork including his salary slips, assets etc. From April the new no fault divorce becomes available so I'd gently encourage her in that direction. Help her see a solicitor under the pretext of sorting finances & custody of any children.

Polyanthus2 · 23/02/2022 06:31

She needs counselling - could you offer to pay for some.

Billybagpuss · 23/02/2022 10:41

How about help her to find a smaller place for her to rent alone and get a garage or storage unit to store his things as no way is she ready to get a skip yet. If his stuff is stored out of sight then she will hopefully start to create her own style. She then needs to start to develop her own life without him what sort of things did she enjoy as a kid? Music, swimming something like that to start developing her own interests again. Both of these things can be done without bad mouthing him at all. Hey how about we rent this space for his stuff so it’s safe for him later? Hey, you’re at a loose end on Wednesday nights, why don’t you try this salsa class I’m sure mum would go too?

It’s going to be baby steps but if you can separate her from constantly seeing his stuff as a starter that might be a good beginning. It’s going to be a while before she’s ready to fully process everything.

The second step will be to try and break the daily contact but goodness knows how long before she’s ready for that.

She really won’t see what a fucked up arse he’s being until she can learn to live alone and enjoy her own company. It’s more gently encouraging her out of her bubble even if it’s just for a daily walk so she doesn’t become Miss Haversham.

Billybagpuss · 23/02/2022 10:43

Ps. I agree with pp she definitely needs counselling and womens aid but I fear you have a mountain to climb before she’s ready for that.

Original poster
Chompiemompie · 23/02/2022 20:15

Thank you so much everyone.

I agree I need to say or do something but trying to tread carefully.

She won't entertain the idea of counselling. Her work offers it and I offered to pay if she wasn't comfortable with that route but she is adamant at this stage that she won't go. She acknowledged how low she is but sees it coming from the fact he is sad. If he is happy again then she will too..

The concept of any abuse probably is a far way down the line.
I mentioned in text today about her rent and staying there on her own. That is her plan and said she will do without everything else to keep it. I think that will change as she gets her head round everything.
I asked what her longer term plans might be for his stuff. She told me to mind my own business so not at the stage to consider storage.

She is the one who bought all his kit for his hobbies. It is worth thousands and it is all there. If she sold it, it would get her out of debt. I said that she could store all that at mums so she has a choice in the future as what happens with it. Again, told to butt out.

My mum is exhausted and her patience is wearing thin but I have asked she doesn't push my sis to accept she is being treated awfully.

I knew her confidence was low but didn't realise she had just quite so little.

OP posts:
Prettynails · 23/02/2022 20:24

All I can tell you is to be there. As much as you can. Step back sometimes for your own mental health if you need to. For me:
Support don’t criticise - the relationship is toxic and highly abusive but if you say anything against her - it will add to her low self esteem and send her back to her ‘drug’ him
Empower - offer to go running on FaceTime one a week or do the coach to 5 K - set up a chat just for this and post when you have done the runs etc
Offer a holiday - pay for flights : help with flights just to offer some sunshine
Show interests in her friends and hobbies - be imaginative ask her what hobby she would really like to do but never dare etc

Most women abused and she is abused - need confidence to leave and fund. Let her know you will always always back her horse

Dontbeme · 23/02/2022 20:28

OP do you think she would visit you with your mum for even a short break? To get her out of the home and just away from him and his stuff everywhere. He has abused her in the most awful way.

This link may be helpful to you www.thehotline.org/resources/supporting-someone-who-keeps-returning-to-an-abusive-relationship/

SunnyKlara · 23/02/2022 23:37

Could you suggest she visits you for a bit of a holiday? Perhaps getting her out if the house might help her feel less overwhelmed

Original poster
Chompiemompie · 09/10/2022 12:34

Hi folks. It's been a while!

Long and short of it is she kept waiting and he did indeed return at the beginning of July. She didn't initially tell us but whilst I was away in holiday with my mum, she texted us to let us know.
She never talked about their relationship, what happened in intervening months.
I passed no negative comments and just said, that all I wanted was for her to be happy and treated well and that she needed to look after herself in short and long term.
She paid for the to go on holiday early Sept. She said they had a good time but nothing else.

They were back 1 week when he returned to old form - going out for his hobby with a "friend" my sister has never met, going out socialising with this friend, sitting in spare room playing his guitar and play station. . She thought it was because he was depressed coming home.

He walked out again last Friday. She returned to find him packing the car. He hadn't mentioned anything to her. He took his stuff, apparently was horrible to her.
He said some awful things to her, very hurtful. He has said that the marriage is over and he no longer loves her.

She is beyond devastated. Has not went to work and refuses to see anyone. She has told mum she doesn't want to speak to me in case i gloat. I would NEVER do that! I'm a bit hurt but also think that is her own projections.

I feel helpless but I am so worried for her.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 09/10/2022 12:46

You just have to let her get on with it, there is nothing you can do, really. If she can't pay her rent, then maybe it's for the best that she gets kicked out of that property and starts over somewhere else. Did he take all his shit this time?

Billybagpuss · 09/10/2022 12:47

Oh dear, hopefully he’s gone for good but dsis will take a while to recover.

I think you’re right it is her own projections but all you can do in the meantime is to send a message along the lines of ‘so sorry you’re going through this sis, I love you and am here for you when you need me and are ready’.

Grumpusaurus · 09/10/2022 23:16

You are a lovely sister to her. Personally, I would have lost patience a few flounces ago. I just have so little patience with women who act as total doormats. Once ok, twice just about but after that I would wish them luck but tune out.

J0y · 09/10/2022 23:20

omg, he's prolonging her pain. I want to murder him.

I hope you can persuade her to go for therapy on her own.

Stay strong yourself too,hard to support somebody who's in the eye of this kind of shit storm.

They can't see the wood for the trees. He's a knob, we see it, you see it, but .......... she cannot accept it. YET.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread