To go NC with my mother ?

[HousePlant9]

Name changed for this but longtime MNetter.

My DM70 is increasingly hostile with me at every opportunity. We live local to each other and see each other most days, when she likes to put me down or start an argument about nothing. Nothing I do is good enough. She likes to spend time with me but it always has to be on her terms, so I have to drive her around and take her where she wants to go. We don’t often go where I want to go, and if we do it’s a fault finding mission so she ends up spoiling it anyway. Every holiday there’s some drama, it’s exhausting but is how it is.

I have 3 siblings - 1 died, 1 has been no contact for years, and 1 is very low contact and moved away. Parents are divorced so it’s basically just me left to deal with her, and I do feel sorry for her. I’m sure out of the 4 children she had, I wouldn’t be her first choice anyway. Everyone thinks we’re really close, but no one know how awful she can be to me.

Last week she said something horrible and completely untrue to DD which I pulled her up on. This resulted in another flounce home. She sent me some horrible WhatsApp messages so I blocked her - I have never done this before. A few days later she started sending argumentative texts so I’ve blocked her on that now too. Is this how NC starts or is this typical of how many difficult relationships are in RL ? I can’t ask anyone I know !

Family friends have invited me over for the weekend which I accepted, she’s told me to tell them I won’t be going because she’s been invited too and they’re ‘her friends not mine’. She’s very possessive over relationships like this, like I can’t be too close to my dad because he was ‘her husband’ which is really weird, but just how she can be. I try not to introduce her to my friends as she rips them to pieces.

I don’t really know what I’m asking other than AIBU not to put up with it anymore ?

Wow that’s really long sorry !

Basically- should I put up with any old sh*t because she’s my mother ?

After two years of upsetting myself trying to get my mother to understand that she hurt me, I'd recommend that you actually don't try to make her understand. Rather, start with the intention it's taken me two years to get to.

Tell her you are taking a step back to protect yourself. NO MORE discussion. don't help her to understand. She will never understand I bet. I wrote umpteen letters trying to help my mother understand. And all she ever did was take more offense. I drove myself crazy in the last two years and I'm only feeling some detachment now.

I should never have tried to make her understand why I was distancing myself. I should just have distanced.

I know what you mean about your Dad. My Dad is still alive but I've no relationship with him at all as he's not allowed to speak to me if she's angry with me. He cannot make up his own mind about me at this point. If she's angry with me, he believes he is too. There is one perspective in the family; hers.

Thanks @UserBotLurking9to5 I know she just wouldn’t get it.

It’s very difficult to reason with her on anything. It’s making me really miserable, but at least they NC weeks are peaceful and drama free. I don’t want to bring my children up amongst arguing, atmosphere, and walking on eggshells like when I was growing up.

I think you are on the path to NC. I also think you probably have endured more than you should have at this point.
My mother is similar- more focussed on undermining via shame but the same story. I dont buy it really and am very very low contact, on my terms with minimal personal information. I think you could just start saying no without explaining.

I went NC with my mother nearly 6 months ago. It has been so freeing. she was not abusive, but she left when I was very small lived the high life and didn’t really see me, then spent most of my adult life trying to make me feel guilty for her shortcomings. I’m not even sure how she managed it but she could twist everything round into some sort of woe is me I’ve had such a hard life story.

The final straw was such a tiny little straw it seems insignificant-she told me she couldn’t make it over to see me one planned weekend because her back was too bad (2 hour drive) then literally in the next sentence said how much she was looking forward to her holiday in a couple of weeks (4 hour flight on a budget airline). It was then I realised I was never going to be any sort of priority to her.

Anyway the point of my story is-sometimes it can be such an insignificant thing on its own that finally breaks you into going no contact.

I wouldn’t pander to her tbh. I think you did the right thing in blocking her - she sounds horrid!

If and when she comes round/ tries to make amends (as I suspect she’s the type not to apologise) I would tell her straight how you feel and show her the horrible messages. Maybe she doesn’t realise just how bad she is?

If that doesn’t work I would go LC if I was you - it’s no coincidence your other siblings have also gone LC or NC.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.I agree no point explaining as she won’t understand.

I went NC with my mum about 9 years ago and it is the best thing I’ve ever done. However, it is not for everyone so don’t feel you have to rush a decision. Maybe keep her blocked for now and see if you begin to feel a bit better without her in your life.

Also, please be aware that whilst and was a very positive thing for me, it can be hard in the beginning. My sister is also NC and struggled with guilt for a long time. I didn’t have any positive bond with my mum but even I was surprised how much it upset me at the time. It’s basically like they are dead in a way, because you will never see or contact them ever again. I mourned the fact that I would never have that loving mother-daughter relationship that I craved and I struggled with that. But once I realised that was never an option with her anyway, I got over that and moved on to live a happy and more confident life.

It’s awful having to deal with this from someone that should be your biggest supporter, and having to hide it from everyone too.

And yes, she will just turn up at my house and never apologise. in the meantime she looks for things to let me down & control me with via her nasty messages. Apparently I’m to cancel July’s holiday as she’s now not coming, and she’s not letting my dogs out next Wednesday when I have a hospital appointment. That’s all she can come up with because I never ask her to do anything as I know she likes to hold things over me, and I know she’s not reliable.

She does sound toxic and sometimes there is no working with it.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam 6 months sounds so long but also so nice. I’m going to have to think about this and if NC or LC is the way forward.

She is abusive to me. I get called awful names and it comes from nowhere. I thought about only seeing her when other people are around and on neutral territory but she has no boundaries and turns up at my house and stays for days getting waited on. I’m literally exhausted with it, physically and mentally.

@EssexLioness I’m sort to hear you’ve been through similar

You’re right, I feel guilty and sad that our relationship isn’t what I wish it was. All the family posts on SM look lovely and I can’t have that.

I am no contact with my narcissistic mother. I wish I had done it earlier! best thing I ever did was to finally see that woman for what she really is and cut her negative influence out of my life once and for all.

Block her NC forget her, she’s made her bed let her lie on it I went NC with my remaining family have never regretted it. These parents who are bitches and they are bitches deserve no better. Block and get on with your life. Hugs.

🌻OP, I've mourned having a good relationship with either of my parents. Not seen either for a number of years. They don't get on but don't want to split so their frustration spills out into others. I'd love to have a close loving relationship with them but have decided to concentrate on my own lovely family. It's hard for you - look after yourself.

[quote HousePlant9]@EssexLioness I’m sort to hear you’ve been through similar

You’re right, I feel guilty and sad that our relationship isn’t what I wish it was. All the family posts on SM look lovely and I can’t have that.[/quote]
Sadly, it sounds like you are right. You will never have that sort of relationship with your mum. But you can protect yourself from her hurt and cruelty. You deserve better than this. You have spent so long at your mum’s beck and call, and it has gone unappreciated- time to start prioritising yourself too. I think those of us from abusive/ dysfunctional families are taught from a young age that we should be doing whatever we can to make others happy, often to our own detriment: you deserve to be happy too!

@HousePlant9 - Your mother’s behaviour will never change, but your reaction to it can. You and she have a reasonably predictable pattern of behaviour set up between the two of you by now. She will manifest what she wants from you through aggression, intimidation or guilt-trip/Manipulation or humiliation. You placate her out of a sense of fear, obligation or guilt. (FOG) How you choose to react from now is entirely up to you. She wants you to be desperate for her attention. She needs you to think you to need her because she has nobody else. Let her know that you are going to organize a neighbour or pay a local dog walker to let your dog out instead. Don’t get emotionally caught up in her bullshit. Detach.

Having said that, my mum was exactly like this. (Throw in physically abusive as well…) I felt that my kids deserved their own relationship with her as long as she was never unsupervised. Of course it didn’t stop her bullshittery…. My kids are late teens and will happily say that she brought nothing positive to their lives.

@Justilou1 yes I do feel guilty that my children won’t have a grandmother and it’s their only one already.
She’s can be really mean with them though, and when they don’t fall into line or they answer back, that’s a massive trigger for another argument with me, and that ‘their rude and not to come crying to her when no one wants to bother with me because I’ve got rude kids’.

It’s hard being the last one left but you need to detach from her fully now.

If she is too toxic for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal for your children as well. Children need emotionally healthy grandparents, your mother is anything but. Why should your mother be at all inflicted on your children?. She should not be. You also would not tolerate this from a friend, your mother is no different.

Your other living siblings either moved away or went no contact with her, you need to do the same ultimately. Deal with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) through therapy.

Sounds dreadful, draining OP. Sounds a bit like my mother. As an adult she used me as an emotional punchbag, and I’m not in contact with her after her last vile outburst over a year ago. Your mother is 70, it’s worth remembering you could have decades more of this. Keep the messages as a reminder. You could also demand she give a genuine apology for her behaviour - she owes you one - she’ll never give and that’s your answer again. I expect you will feel a lot more peace during NC and can get on with your life without this unpleasantness. If she hoovers you to get back in contact, ask for a genuine apology first (IME they like to pretend it never happened or else was justified or in fact your fault!), and assurances that there will be no more of her verbal abuse. I’d bet my last tenner she will disappear in a cloud once more of huffy rage. It’s a sad situation. I always think a caring and supportive mum must be such a lovely thing to have, but for some of us that’s not how it is. We certainly don’t deserve their abuse though and once we see it for what it is and who they are we can remove ourselves from it.

Re your children, it’s good to keep them away from such behaviour, but anyway why would you let a person have access to your children who treats YOU with such contempt? I think of it as a double disrespect - and typical of their warped sense of entitlement!

Has your Mum always been like this? Could there be dementia or other MH issues going on ?

[quote HousePlant9]@Justilou1 yes I do feel guilty that my children won’t have a grandmother and it’s their only one already.
She’s can be really mean with them though, and when they don’t fall into line or they answer back, that’s a massive trigger for another argument with me, and that ‘their rude and not to come crying to her when no one wants to bother with me because I’ve got rude kids’.[/quote]
I think no Grandparent is better than one that is so damaging to both them and their Mum.

It must be so hard for you but think about the fact that 2 of your siblings have already cut contact. This isn't your fault nor your responsibilty.

I have no experience of this but wanted to say you deserve to be happy, to only surround yourself with people who love and support you. You don't have to be treated this way and accept it just because she gavve birth to you.

I would say that if she’s horrible to your kids then it’s a no-brainer. Your kids may even resent you for inflicting her on them and not coming to their rescue.