What are her true motives?

[Inspecteespaghetti]

I separated from DH a few months ago. We get on ok overall- still very civil etc.
SIL (his sister) however has suddenly taken to telling me how much she misses me and wishes DH and I were still together. When we were together, I found her insincere, sly and condescending so the feeling isn't particularly mutual.

She has managed to persuade me after many requests to meet up with her for a "catch up." I've been reluctant to go but decided I would after her latest round of buttering me up.

But.... during our last correspondence, she asked me if I'd be willing to do something for her family (for MIL and FIL) that woud put me in a very awkward situation potentially. I said no and explained why. I have since told DH what she has asked of me and he looked shocked. I then asked him why he seemed so surprised and he told me that she had already asked him a few days ago and he had told her no and requested that she didn't ask me. He then backtracked and made lots of excuses for her (as he usually does) and said it was her naivety. But I know how sly she is and know that this is not her being naive. I have witnessed and been at the end of her asking personal, uncomfortable questions to people which she already knows the answer to, seemingly with the intention of making them feel uncomfortable.

Then, I've also discovered recently, that she's been messaging my ex SIL (my brother's ex), endeavouring to strike up some sort of friendship with her, just because their kids are the same age (exDHs ridiculous excuse).

I've literally only discovered that she had asked my ex the same question she asked me this evening and I'm supposed to be meeting up with her tomorrow. I thought her latest messages had perhaps been sincere but now I'm doubting them and suspect an ulterior motive, whatever it may be. She's not been open and honest, not told either exDH or myself about having the same conversation with both of us separately and acted like she didn't know exDHs response.

Do I still meet up with her tomorrow? What do I say to her? What could her ulterior motives be? I don't trust her.

I also can't fall out with her as she's pregnant with twins and had enough complications already. I have to be careful not to upset her... it would be easy for her to paint me out as the bad guy so need to keep my cool.

Oh dear what a pity you've tested positive/ stubbed your toe / got an urgent dental appointment and can't meet up. Then make vague excuses for not rearranging. If she persists, maybe mention you're surprised she asked you to do (whatever it is) after DH had asked her not to - you need space to assess your relationship with her. Or if it's no skin off your nose, just ignore her from now on.

Ah, pregnant with twins. Gracefully disengage. Lots of excuses not to meet. Take longer and longer to reply to messages. Don't pick up if she calls. You know she's trying to use you for something.

I genuinely think she revels in my misery and making me feel discomfort. She's only been nice to me since I've been going through a tough time with the separation. Prior to that, she'd take every opportunity to piss all over any confidence or happiness that I had.

I think she possibly enjoyed asking me the question, making me feel awkward, knowing that it would make me feel that way.

Don't go. She and the twins will be fine.

You don't owe her friendship, pregnant with twins or not.

There are definitely people who revel in the misery and downfall of others. She may or may not be such a person but it hardly matters. You didn't like her when you were married to her brother (which is fine) so having more to do with her now you are separated is completely pointless.

Give an excuse for why you can’t meet her tomorrow then just try not to engage if you don’t want to do anything that might actively upset her - if she messages you then take a few days/week to reply and if anything is said just say you were busy, if she asks to meet make an excuse. I understand not wanting to fall out with her but there’s no reason you have to stay in contact with her

I also can't fall out with her as she's pregnant with twins and had enough complications already. I have to be careful not to upset her... it would be easy for her to paint me out as the bad guy so need to keep my cool.

Don't be daft. Pregnancy is not a free pass to be a scheming bitch.
You are separated from DH (but seem able to still communicate well enough with him, what a blessing) - but are still enmeshed in the family FOG.
You know SiL is insincere, sly and condescending & so will all the other relatives - whether they acknowledge it or not.

The last thing you need is to get sucked into her mind games.
Don't meet her. You know what she's up to.
I have witnessed and been at the end of her asking personal, uncomfortable questions to people which she already knows the answer to, seemingly with the intention of making them feel uncomfortable.

Just tell her that you won't do the awkward thing, that you're aware that She's also asked DH & he won't do the awkward thing either, & that you are unable to meet up.
Then keep distancing from her, & Grey Rock every single attempt to pull you back in to her orbit.
Break free of that FOG! - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

he had told her no and requested that she didn't ask me.

Jeeze, I missed this bit.
Sod the "not upsetting her".

I'd come down hard on this. "SiL - I'm puzzled as to why you asked me to do Awkward Thing, as DH has just told me that he'd already discussed this with you, that he won't do it, & specifically asked you NOT to ask me to do it. I won't be doing Awkward Thing & can't meet up tomorrow."

& that is IT.
So what if she paints you as the bad guy? Anyone who believes that & brings it up with you gets told the same thing - "she asked me to do Awkward Thing despite DH telling her not to ask me - I won't be doing it, so expect she is having a little tantrum."

She is no longer your SiL. You have no need to keep her sweet.

Just delete and block. Ignore her.

She sounds like a shit stirrer who thrives on drama not a emotional vampire who thrives on misery, but either way you're well out of it

Absolutely do NOT go.

Take @ChargingBuck's advice.

Do not answer her texts.

Be busy and unavailable.

Your gut is screaming at you to be wary.

Why wouldn't you listen to it?

You have stated clearly she is not a good person, so why would you continue contact?

You are divorcing her brother.

One of the advantages of divorcing is not having to have further contact with people like her.

You will be a very silly woman if you meet her and go against your gut.

Don’t meet up with her and be blunt and frank with her.

You tell her “ I spoke to ex DH and it seems you asked others the same. Ex DH asked you not to ask me. So why are you asking me?”Then just say you’re too busy to meet.
Or you’ve got Covid symptoms. Just any excuse if you can’t bring yourself to say No.

Too many people treading on eggshells around her instead of being blunt and telling her where to go.

Pregnant with twins is not an issue.
She won’t be upset because she knows her request is unreasonable.

Any negative response will be an act to make you feel uncomfortable and to make you comply.
It’s all about control.

I’d block her.

You do know that you’re not put onto this earth to feed her feel good feeling, don’t you?

Her being pregnant is a her problem. There is no reason to make it a you problem.

So what if she's pregnant?? I'm confused with that? Should be given exemptions to be nasty and sly, because she is pregnant. She isn't your sil anymore so no obligation to get along with her for any reason. I would most certainly not be meeting up with her. You already know what she's about , why indulge her?

She definitely has an ulterior motive, and it won't be to your benefit. At all!
In your position, I'd just tell her that as we were never close when I was married to her brother, we're never going to be and I'm not going to pretend. I'd wish her well with her twins, good luck and thanks.
Then I'd block her. If she started spreading shite about me , I say what @ChargingBuck said- she asked me to do something that ex had told her not to, I refused and so she's probably jus having a little tantrum. This puts it back on her. If people choose to believe her and side with her, then they were never your friends, so let 'em go. There's a saying "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." The way people react will tell you whether they should matter to you or not and, as exH seems to have your back regarding the Awkward Thing, I think his support is all you need at the moment. Surely your own friends and family will support you too? It seems exH knows his sister's form quite well anyway- a sly, sneaky little madam! Do not let her suck you in!

Thanks everyone for the advice. It's actually quite the opposite- she's perceived as the innocent "heart on sleeve" (quoted from FIL) damsel in distress.

Spoke to exDH today as he asked me why I'd cancelled on her. Was very straight with him about my observations and dealings with her. And because I've dared bad mouth his innocent little sister, he put the phone down on me. He rang initially about the DCs then asked the question about his sister, hence me speaking to him in the first place. I still have to see ILs to collect DCs twice a week so want to avoid conflict if I can (my own parents aren't around).

I wouldn't trust her any further than I could throw her.

She's only getting in touch because she wants something anyway, so tell her to get lost. In the nicest possible way, of course.

Oh and by the way - she sounds like the Golden Child in that family. Another reason to not touch her with a bargepole.

Bloody hell, you don’t have to meet up with her because she’s pregnant fgs. Complications or not.

Just make an excuse and let contact fade.

If he is stupid enough to repeat what you have told him, be very wary of him also.

Well done for cancelling.

Avoid her whenever possible.

Your children do not need family like that in their lives.