Anyone else have few or no friends and find it difficult to trust?

[kobacat1981]

Growing up I had friends and even though I was quite shy and introverted, I still enjoyed being around others. It was when I left secondary school when things kinda changed. I had an accident when I was just 19 years old which has left me disabled and unable to work. However I have recently got into volunteering and I really enjoy it.

I had a best friend of many years and we were more like sisters, but last year when I was going through a difficult time, she totally shut me down, refused to answer my calls or texts and announced that she "didn't need me anymore '. I still don't think I really got over the ending of that friendship.

I had a very traumatic time back at school and in some workplaces that I think led to me feeling afraid of people and it has made the loneliness worse and worse. I like people, but on the other hand I feel afraid I am going to be hurt again and I realise i probably deal with rejection sensitive dysphoria. I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD so I think a lot of how I feel ties in with this aswell.

I see a therapist and she has said that I am likeable, empathic, kind and can't see why people would not want to be friends. I know I have a lot to give potential friends but it's my low self esteem and trauma that is holding me back.

I'm in my late 30's and really really want to change things and move forward but I just don't know how. Is anyone else in the same position and If you managed to move past things, what are some of the things that helped?

Hi. I’m in a similar position and actually considering starting therapy. I’m early 40s and very distrustful of people. I’ve had bad experiences with friends who became frenemies. I was also bullied badly at secondary school by a large group of girls. I find even now that I really struggle with groups of women my own age. I’m fine with younger or older women or men but am very uncomfortable with my age group. This is probably a result of the bullying and I’m fairly sure I give off a very negative vibe which prevents me making friends.
I’m afraid I can’t advise how to get past it as I don’t know myself. I think it is low self esteem and hopefully your therapist will help.

@Faxmesomehalibut I'm exactly the same with older and younger women but struggle to get on with people of the same age

I had a similar experience in that I was bullied at school and in a workplace but I've always had a very few good friends along the way.

What helped me was realising that I'm not very good with people overall especially in the workplace. I've put less expectations on myself.

Also as I have got older I care less what people thinks. I think this may be the case for you too.

@wednesdayflowers thanks for sharing your experience . I too am trying to get to a place where I am not bothered by what people think of me and become a better friend to myself

Sorry your friend cut you off @kobacat1981
I feel your frustration. I don't have a problem with trusting people, but for various reasons find myself in the position of having to make new friends. It is tough. It's a continual effort to put yourself in new group situations, chat to people, suggest doing things with people, but people don't seem that bothered. You have to keep trying, without being pushy, until you meet 'your' person. I wonder if others' reluctance to establish a closer friendship is because they are also experiencing the trust issue you're experiencing? They're just not going to talk about that IRL are they as it's such a stigma having no friends. But it depends what you mean by friends. I think a friend is someone you spend a considerable amount of time with and someone you know you can phone in the middle of the night if you're in need. Most people these days seem to think that all their FB contacts are 'friends', or someone you met on a cruise once is a 'friend'!

So sorry you're going through that OP. Sounds like you've had a really tough time. I wish I had some practical advice but I can only offer solidarity.

I relate to a lot in your post. I have ADHD too and it makes it so hard to make/maintain friendships. I can get along with most people but forming a meaningful connection is so difficult and rare for me. I also had a friendship of several years end last year as she turned out to be emotionally abusive, so I similarly really struggle with trusting people. That's probably the main barrier in my ability to connect with people.

It sounds like it's the same for you. Have you spoken specifically about your trust and self esteem issues in therapy?

@RainyWales I think you could be right. There is certainly a lot of stigma around loneliness and I think a lot of people are reluctant to open up about it, but since lockdown people have been speaking about it more and more and thankfully it seems to have become more normalised to speak about which is great. I also think that a friend can mean different things to different people and what one person may consider a friend, another may think of as an acquaintance

@yellowsmileyface thank you I'm so sorry that your friend became emotionally abusive. That is really tough especially when it's someone that you knew for such a long time. I would think for me that trust is also my biggest barrier in getting to know people.
I am only now speaking about my low self esteem in therapy and I think even saying it aloud sometimes helps me to see what a struggle things have been

Interesting thread to read.
I feel inferior in groups of women.
I don't like being a sheep,so I don't.
I was also bullied at secondary.
I avoid involvement with groups of women but then I feel isolated!!

Can I join this camp? I'm similar, 41, bullied awfully at 3 different schools and my ability to form friendships is bad. I've worked with people in the past that bond with new people within days, it usually takes me about 10 years (I wish I was joking). I'm getting better but it's hard. You are not alone in feeling like this.

to those struggling.
I definitely feel like some sort of lesser human being around large groups of women. I’m ok 1 to 1 but not in a group in the workplace or mum’s coffee morning situation. I genuinely feel like they must all be repulsed by me. It’s awful because it’s based on nothing. Just this deep rooted feeling that I’m not a proper person like they are.
The sad thing is that I’ve spent years telling myself I don’t like people and I don’t want to be social. But actually I think I do.

Are you in Yorkshire? If so I am happy to be friends.

In aware I'm naturally a 'grower'. People take him to warm to me and I take time to warm to them. The longer the relationship the better it is generally.

I've had to learn to be really good at getting to know people quickly at work and it's similar rules to friendship, so have a few tips:

Smile and be friendly - fake it if need be- sounds cheesy but it's the one thing I've changed and it makes a huge difference

Be non judgemental

Find people who are open to new friends - some people/groups are very closed - look at their body language

Make the first move and say hello- lots of people gate doing this but are fine once talking

Don't convince yourself it will be bad

Share little stories about yourself - nothing too personal e.g. a time was I was so sleep deprived I made a cup of tea in a sippy cup with out realise until I was drinking it. It makes you seem less intimidating

Ask the other person questions about themselves e.g. if it's a group of mums ask about their baby

Do something fun before you meet up e.g. dance to your favourite song - you will bring that energy with you / relax you. Sometimes it comes across as unfriendly when people are just nervous and makes people less likely to approach/ talk

Wear something bright or fun, like earrings/ scarf- it often gives people a chance to compliment you and an opener

Suggest an activity - so much easier and helps with the next time you meet as this builds experiences. Could be a walk, paint a pot, something crafty, museum,go ape etc

It takes you showing you are friendly and sage to talk to before you can get to knowing the true person. That's when the interesting stuff happens