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Relationships

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Original poster

How to get over limerence over someone

21 replies

Brightstar29 · 22/02/2022 12:31

Name change again for this one.
Brief back story I was seeing someone for just over 2 months which finished early January, it was very short but very intense however I was at quite a vulnerable place in my life due to a difficult year last year and I’m still processing some of the stuff that happened.

It was an intense relationship where it seemed like there was a strong connection but he had issues from his recent divorce he couldn’t get over and ended things abruptly with me due to his emotional issues and saying he is unable to give me what I need.

I’ve been no contact with him for a good while now (I’ve not kept track of exact time) and I’m trying my best to focus on other stuff and even going on a solo holiday this summer. But I’ve also recently learned he is now talking to someone else even though he has commitment issues. I’ve deleted him off social media but I’m finding it really hard to not obsess over what we could have had. I’ve realised that the person he portrayed to me is not who he is and also if he came back now I wouldn’t be able to trust him not to do it again. But I’m still finding it hard not to obsess over what we had/my idea of what we could have had. In hindsight I think there was a fair bit of future faking on his part.

I’m annoyed at myself as I keep telling myself it was a short relationship therefore I should be over it by now but I feel stuck in a state of limerence over it even though I’m trying my best to get on with my life. He did try popping up a few weeks ago but I didn’t entertain it. Anyone else experienced this and will these intense thoughts and feelings pass?

OP posts:

Sportslady44 · 22/02/2022 14:12

it will pass in time.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 22/02/2022 14:18

I think you're being hard on yourself, OP. If it's only early January that your relationship ended, it will take you a while to process it, particularly if it was intense. You will move on. Take care.

AubadeIsIt · 22/02/2022 14:48

Your experience and feelings likely have little to do with this person or connection and more about yourself, your attachment style, your past and how you experience the world. Use it as an opportunity to explore and heal yourself and try to see it for what it really was

Sportslady44 · 22/02/2022 15:28

how do you heal yourself then?

Watchkeys · 22/02/2022 15:32

I think that you need to be a grown up, and realise that the choice about whether to be dominated by your emotions is in your own hands.

Feelings are like the weather. They come and go when they're ready, and we have to put up with them, respect them, enjoy them.

Just accept that you have these feelings, and get on with your life regardless. This should fit in with your general view of life, to not react to all your feelings. That's what children do. Adults learn to navigate the ups and downs, rather than allowing themselves to be ruled by them.

AubadeIsIt · 22/02/2022 16:14

@Sportslady44

how do you heal yourself then?

Therapy, focusing on one's own life, career, family and friends, taking the PP's advice about feelings....

Lubeyboobyalt · 22/02/2022 16:22

it will pass. block absolutely everything

time passing with no contact makes it go away, do everything you can to pass time

I decorated my entire house once doing this, I listened to audiobooks, decluttered, got into batch cooking, allsorts - anything and everything to keep busy and keep time passing

Hopefullyoneday12 · 22/02/2022 17:11

I'm in a similar boat op and feel like I'm going insane.

He isn't the man who I was so passionate about. I know it was mostly all bullshit.

I find rejection incredibly hard to handle. I am trying to accept that there is nothing I can do to 'move on'. I just have to carry on. Try not to dwell. Every time my mind goes over what happened or acts out a scenario with him I try very hard to do something else. Call my grandma, get up and cook, take a shower. Slowly slowly I hope I can put him to one side of my mind. But it'll take effort. Good luck to you op.

Marchingredsoldiers · 22/02/2022 17:25

Oh god. I hate for this to sound patronising but - getting older. I suffered so badly from this when I was younger. I remember one guy who I had one date with when I was 16. I had that feeling for months. Then the others....

It's shitty. But as I got older, that feeling got less and less intense when breaking up with someone (who really wasn't that great!). Now I feel that me and dh could split up and I would be proportional sad (progress!).

I would advise distraction. Get pissed, go rock climbing, start a-level maths, learn spanish. Anything that focuses your mind on anything other than him. That is what I would have told myself 20 years old. With time the feelings will die down until one day he becomes a funny/pathetic memory

Doyouknowtheway · 22/02/2022 17:48

You could focus on the fact he's seemingly moving on fast so that could mean it didn't mean much to him whatever you did have, so he's not worth it. Or focus on yourself and making yourself feel good. Have your nails done, your hair. Have a night out with friends. Occupy your mind with other things a walk, read a book or start a new series.

Geppili · 22/02/2022 18:09

Read about the brain chemistry of limerence. Its similar to addiction.

sadpapercourtesan · 22/02/2022 18:13

Treat it like an unwanted addiction. It's 80% willpower and deciding once and for all that you're not doing that any more. 20% distraction, displacement activities, rewarding yourself for a day not spent mooning over him, etc.

It's no different from giving up smoking/getting a 2yo off dummies, physiologically. The same methods are needed, if you're serious about knocking it on the head. Be brutally honest with yourself - even starting a thread about how to give him up can be a form of mentionitis.

Dillydollydingdong · 22/02/2022 18:20

It's Nature doing what she's best at - setting up relationships so that babies can be born and the future of mankind ensured. Shame that unfortunately she gets it wrong sometimes! It's up to us to be one step ahead and make sure we don't fall for it!

Original poster

Brightstar29 · 22/02/2022 19:20

I’m just hoping it will pass. Part of me wants him to come back, but not because I would be able to take him back because I wouldn’t but just for the satisfaction of it.

I think he has moved on quick because he has low self-esteem and needs to constantly have validation even though he’s not ready because of his issues from his divorce.

I’m just concentrating on doing things for myself and keeping no contact. But it’s still hard not to fantasise about the person I thought he was and what he led me to believe we were going to have.

OP posts:

tammyjess · 22/02/2022 19:45

@Watchkeys

I think that you need to be a grown up, and realise that the choice about whether to be dominated by your emotions is in your own hands.

Feelings are like the weather. They come and go when they're ready, and we have to put up with them, respect them, enjoy them.

This is wise advice

aurynne · 22/02/2022 20:24

You dated this guy for 2 months. And all through your posts you're accusing him of not being able to commit, of having issues, of not being worthwhile, of having low-self esteem...

Yes, this could all well be true, but... you only knew this guy for 2 months. The reality is, you two tried going out, and for some reason it did not work, so he broke it off and now you two need to move on. By what you told us about him, he sounds like a perfectly normal guy who just broke off a short relationship as he is perfectly right to do if he found it was not right for him. There really does not need to be "commitment issues", "self-esteem issues", "divorce issues" with every person who just does not want a relationship with you.

I find this tendency to blame a failed relationship on a myriad of issues that the other person supposedly has very unhealthy. "The man you know didn't exist"? You only knew that man for 2 months! You actually know very little about him as a person, and a big part of the reason is that you two were not compatible enough to get to know each other properly, It's not that the man you knew didn't exist, you simply don't know that man at all, because you weren't together enough to know each other. He didn't want to continue knowing you because things simply weren't working for him.

In my opinion you're way overthinking this by trying to find someone (him) to "blame" for daring to reject you. It is really pretty simple: you saw a guy for a very short time. it did't work. Now you're obsessing about him... this is nothing to do with him, it's really all about you and how you have reacted to him leaving you.

aurynne · 22/02/2022 20:26

"I think he has moved on quick because he has low self-esteem and needs to constantly have validation" --> no, he has "moved on" quickly (if he even has, you have no idea what he is actually doing and with whom) because, after a very short dating with someone who was not compatible, his heart is still free, so he doesn't feel he needs a "mourning period". Neither should you.

Marineboy67 · 22/02/2022 20:39

It's an awful thing, looking back I think I had a bad case of ' 'Limerance'. Took me at least 3/4 years to get past thinking obsessively about someone. It was like being tormented by myself. The most important tool in getting beyond it is to totally disassociate yourself with the other person. Absolutely zero contact and get rid of any gifts, photos you may have exchanged. That's the only way to heal I think.

ThePlumVan · 22/02/2022 20:44

It’s not him it’s the amazing endorphins you’re addicted to - they’re amazing aren’t they !

You’ve had a hard time, be they’ll be better times to come

amiafreakofnature · 22/02/2022 23:39

Just keep remembering the person you are obsessed with isn't the person he is
I had this before with an ex and just remembered the person he presented himself as was an independent alpha male but in reality he was a spineless Co dependent and deserved no respect of admiration

amiafreakofnature · 22/02/2022 23:39

*or

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