Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Was this treating me badly?

23 replies

LoveHiking · 22/02/2022 07:55

I've been speaking to a counsellor to help me get over a five year relationship as I think I've low esteem and he really knocked my confidence at the end by telling me he didn't love me. In describing my relationship to her, she asked me what exactly were his good points as she said he didn't treat me well when I described different things to her. These include:

belittling my home at times as it's a flat and he called it boring; he decided his home as "a fine house" (we never lived together).
mocking my car and constantly commenting on my driving and telling me when to overtake etc.
never once complimenting my cooking but anyways praising his own
quizzing me on music - eg who's this band/ singer? I liked music, didn't always know who was singing, but we couldn't have the radio on without him asking me this.
I'm not into gardening as I don't have one, he used to walk me around his and ask me what different things were.
said I was chopping garlic wrong, didn't have enough kitchen utensils etc

We never really fought, but the therapist has asked me what I really loved about him and has got me thinking. Just wondering what people think of this. Thanks.

OP posts:

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2022 07:57

I think he was a pillock and you're well shot of him.

Men do love to burnish their egos on women's feelings.

ZedMammy · 22/02/2022 08:03

Yes it is awful behaviour

JohannSebastianBach · 22/02/2022 08:05

Sounds like you are well rid. He doesn't sound very nice.

rrf · 22/02/2022 08:07

I don't think it's awful behaviour, but it is very petty and immature. The sort of behaviour of someone who is deep down quite insecure and needs to be on top and right all of the time to validate themselves. Always hard work. Glad you got rid x

Pinkbonbon · 22/02/2022 08:08

He definately seemed keen on making you feel inadequate didn't he?

I have someone in my life like that. I'd be counting something up in my head and he would come up and ask me a random sum. And I'd be desperate to answer it quickly so as not to feel...judged? I dunno if that's the word. And I if got it wrong he'd be like 'did you not do your times tables in school?'.

Also had a habit of asking me to do something but then butting in when I was half way through doing it as if I wasn't doing it right.

He even once mansplained to me how to butter toast xD

It's odd behaviour. Normally I'd be the first to call narcissism but I'm not sure that's it in this scenario. Maybe I just don't want to see it in this person.

But it's not nice and its not healthy for us to be around. And it's very much a THEM issue. That they don't have the right to take out on us.

We need to value our own self esteem and protect it. You did well in getting away from him and good on you for recognising poor treatment.

Original poster

LoveHiking · 22/02/2022 08:17

@Pinkbonbon "Normally I'd be the first to call narcissism..."

My therapist suggested this also but I didn't think so. I mean, he wasn't like this all the time, but he did like to always be right/ better at things. He often spoke over me and others also.. I'm not saying I'm perfect, no one is, but this is just describing how he was.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 22/02/2022 08:25

Abusive ppl aren't always abusive all the time though. Or ppl wouldn't be drawn in. It's called 'the cycle of abuse' for a reason.

Let's put it this way, at best he was self absorbed, ignorant of others feelings with a habit of belittling you...at worst...actually no to be fair that literally is a narcissist lol.

So you're well shot.
Its good your therapist knows about and picked up narcissism. Hopefully they can help you work through things and come out better and stronger.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/02/2022 08:25

God he sounds like an insufferable prat.

This kind of one-upmanship is born out of insecurity, in my experience. People who are confident and happy with themselves and their position in life have no need to show off about it.

People who put you down or pick on you for perceived flaws have a desperate need to make themselves feel better - and they believe that "better than you!" is the quickest and easiest way to do that.

I used to clap back at these people, but now I just silently wish them healing and choose not to spend any more time around them.

Fruitandnuts · 22/02/2022 08:44

Sounds like he was 'negging' you and getting some kicks from it. If people arent called out on shitty behaviour they will continue it.

My BIL can be like this, he has certain ways of doing things but my sister will look at him and tell him to wise up. He has stopped the behaviour and knows he was being a total prat.

HollowTalk · 22/02/2022 08:45

He sounds like a really horrible man. Please don't tell us you're missing him!

spotcheck · 22/02/2022 08:48

@Summerhillsquare

Men do love to burnish their egos on women's feelings

My god that's a brilliant way to put it

peacocktail · 22/02/2022 08:59

He sounds like a pedantic boring bugger and you are well rid off him. I sometimes think that we are sent lessons to learn. So, learn to recognise the red flags and run like hell if you spot them in someone else. It isnt your fault that this happened because sometimes low self esteem can leave you blind to insidious cruelty.
Find things that you enjoy and only spend time with those who do not enjoy belittling you. practice self care and remember that you are important.

Sweetdealer · 22/02/2022 09:23

I’m married to a man like this. You are better off without. Find somebody kind who puts importance on your feelings. Keep the counselling up. Did he tell you he didn’t love you anymore when he’d found someone else?

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2022 09:47

Thanks! I'm too old and menopausal to tolerate it now but we do seem to be socialised to perform that function for them.

Original poster

LoveHiking · 22/02/2022 10:50

@Sweetdealer "Did he tell you he didn’t love you anymore when he’d found someone else?"

No, just that he wasn't in love with me.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 22/02/2022 11:11

If someone does things that make you feel bad, and you tell them but they keep doing it, they're treating you badly. There's no definitive checklist. It's about how you like to be treated.

Pinkbonbon · 22/02/2022 11:51

Agree with pp apart from one thing: you should neve have to explain to someone why obviously shitty behaviour is shitty.

(Besides, if its behaviour he continually displays then I'm guessing he has already been told many many times, to wind his neck it in).

We have to be careful not to get into the cycle of trying to explain to people why their obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful. Because they are adults - and they know that their behaviour is hurtful. So if they continue to do it, its not that that don't understand- its that they just don't care.

Everyone knows that snarky comments about a persons possessions is inappropriate and may cause hurt and offense. Everyone knows it's rude to talk over other people.

Obviously some things can hurt people without us realising and we are all capable of being a little selve involved, obtuse and inconsiderate sometimes. But that's different from repeating patterns of nastiness.

Houstonjane · 22/02/2022 17:50

He sounds a right prat! I would be well happy, he was no longer in my life. Really work on your confidence. He sounds like he felt important and superior, the more he put you down. Who needs that. He is a sad, little man. Good bloody riddance.

SamphiretheStickerist · 22/02/2022 17:54

Bluntly. It hardly matters why or how etc. He sounds like a drag, as Rizzo would say.

The mental image I get from your words is a small boy wearing his dad's shoes. Immature, lacking in confidence, self centred and scared.

Pity him.

And live a great life 🙂
.

Opentooffers · 22/02/2022 18:03

So, were there any good points, you seem to be struggling to answer that question.
Maybe concentrating on the negative alone is not entirely helpful, because it can bring you down reliving it. I've had some shit BF's at times, but there's usually been some positives to come out, even if it's just lessons learned.

Original poster

LoveHiking · 22/02/2022 18:49

@Opentooffers So, were there any good points, you seem to be struggling to answer that question.

As I said before, this wasn't all the time and I mentioned before that I have my faults also, but we did have nice times together. I'm not focusing on the negatives as I've good memories of our time together, but as you said, I have learned lessons from this. I suppose I'm just exploring and thinking about the breakup itself and the fact he wasn't in love and he said he knew I was always more into him than he was into me, which hurt me a lot. It's helping me to be more of red flags in the future, if I ever do decide to date again!

OP posts:

OldDocs · 22/02/2022 18:59

I dated someone like this. Of course we had nice times together too. No one can maintain being a twat all the time but he was just showing le his own insecurities and sense of inadequacy and this is what he was doing to you.

He was/they were insecure and felt inadequate. That's it.

Surely you knew if your driving/cooking/whatever was good? Why do you think he was saying it?

Teatimes2 · 24/02/2022 08:44

He doesn't sound very nice and I think you should be glad to be away from him.

Flip