Hello there!
I don't need solutions or advice, I just need some external opinions.
Long story short, I was in my previous relationship with my first love for over 6 years distributed in an 8 years interval with smaller breaks. We were young when we got together, I was 16, it was my first year in secondary school, she was 18 in the same school. We were together until I was 22. We loved each other with all our hearths, but we were young and foolish, we both made mistakes, but we forgave each other time after time. Don't think about fatal mistakes, only both of our personalities were just developing, I was pretty bad in expressing feelings and getting my priorities right, she had her own "features and bugs".
Anyways, we never got to a point where we stopped loving each other. But when we got to university, we both changed of course, some more, some less, and we struggled, we were hurting ourselves and each other. The reason why we broke up was rather that we loved each other enough that we did not want to hurt the other anymore.
And it was hard. We basically grew up together, the whole secondary school and half of the university. I stayed over a lot, and her family was my family as well, and then it wasn't anymore.
This happened over 3 years ago now. We moved on. We did not break all communication, but we tried to keep it at a minimum level for both of our sake's. Only birthdays and such, and we only asked the other about general stuff, work, family, we did not talk about feelings and such. She has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend, and there is no jealousy, we can honestly be happy that the other found someone.
I love my current girlfriend, I would never hurt her or anything, but I can't deny that there is something still left in me. As if a part of me could never leave her side, I gave her everything I could in the past, even if it wasn't always what she would have deserved or wished for, even if it was not always enough, I gave her everything I could, and I feel like some part of me is still there. It is not as strong as it was, it was and is fading.
And to be honest, I was pretty convinced that she has nothing left for me, and it was good. I don't believe in literal soulmates, but I always though that if we were really meant for each other, then we would both still have some feelings. And since to my knowledge she does not, I will be okay as well, it will fade completely.
But after that, something happened. We got together for a drink just for old time's sake. We talked as old friends, openly, about our current relationships, our future plans, and we were happy for each other. But we drank too much and the talks got deeper and deeper. Nothing physical happened, but it was only because of me, because no matter the alcohol, I would never cheat on my girlfriend, she does not deserve to get hurt. But my ex strongly and explicitly suggested that I stayed over for the night (her boyfriend was away). Not, I know her, I know that she would also never do such a thing, it was just that probably she was more drunk than me. Anyways, nothing happened. And I am happy that nothing happened.
But this incident got me thinking. Up until now, I was sure that I am the only one left with feelings, and that she has nothing left, and that we were never meant to be together, because she could move on, and with some little more time, I will get over her completely as well. I actually though that I was already there. But now I am not sure anymore. We all know that alcohol can influence people to do stuff they would not do or say when they are sober. But alcohol only makes you a truly honest person. Everything that you do while drunk is not something you wouldn't do sober, it is more that you don't have the courage to do it, or that you override your feeling with your brain.
And now, my problem is, that what if she really has some feelings for me still, and I do for her. And that would mean that we were "meant to be together", whatever that means. And what if we are just fucking our lives up by moving on, and when we are 50, we look back and regret not fighting, not for what was, but rather for what could have been.
And I love my girlfriend now, but of course the memory of the first one is always different. I would not be unhappy with my current girlfriend in the future, hell I probably would even be happy, whatever that means. And my ex is happy now, her current boyfriend can help her in her carrier, he is a good guy, they would probably be happy as well. And I don't want to do anything to fuck that up, I just don't want to regret anything when I am 50 or on my death bed. We have this one life, this one shot, I just want to live it to the fullest. And there can be a difference between happy and happy. And I am not saying that I definitely would be happier with my ex. These are unknown variables. It just sucks that there is always a "what if" remaining there.
Well, this became pretty long :) As I said, I don't need a solution, I am not even sure that there is one, nor an advice, I would rather hear some experiences, those who experienced such a thing in the past, and one way or another, they are over it now. I just feel now, that if I don't do anything, I will regret it with possibility P, and if I do something, I will regret it with possibility (1-P). I just don't know the value of P, would be great if I could just calculate it somehow.
Anyways, thank you if you read this, it is a long text.