No Communication

[Lizp88]

This might be a bit of a long one.

My partner and I have known each other for years through friends but only been together for 2 years. We got pregnant straight away and have an amazing 15 month old son. We both still live with our parents because we can't afford our own place just yet.

The problem is communication. We just don't talk. He comes to see our son for a couple of hours after work 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes leaving 3 days in between. All he does is play with him, no nappy changes, doesn't bathe him or help with food.

He also sometimes just doesn't turn up if he changes his mind or something comes up and doesn't let me know. I'm putting off making plans with friends because I don't want to stop him from seeing his son when he does come up.
He also doesn't tell me what hours he's working (never stays the same) and sometimes let's me know that day if he's coming up and I have to ask him what time because he doesn't say.
I try to take him to his house for his family to see him when I can, but that often gets rearranged and weeks go by without our son going to his house.

He also goes to the football a lot. I have no problem with this but the last couple of weeks I havent known he was even going until I've seen on social media. I try to let him know of im going anywhere or have plans though I try to do things when he's working so he doesn't miss out on time with our son.

I know he doesn't have to tell me everything he does but when he 'forgets to tell' me he's going the weekend we have plans for mutual friends birthdays and doesn't seem at all bothered that he's now making me go alone, I feel like a mug.

I know I need to talk to him and tell him we both need to communicate more, but when I have done in the past he just says 'okay' in a stroppy teenager kind of way so it puts me off trying to speak to him.

I know part of our problem is not living together but I don't know if I want to move in with someone who doesn't seem to view me or their child as a priority.

I guess I just needed a rant

He doesn’t seem like your partner, more like a disinterested ex- may as well save yourself some effort and break up with him now

Oh god please don't move in with him. He sounds awful!

You and DC are absolutely not his priority. He sounds about 15... just wants to watch football, go out with his mates and keep you hanging on.

Start making plans with your friends instead of letting him play you like this.

This isn't a relationship. He has split up with you without telling you. Let go of all idea of a future with him. Develop your own life rather than trying to work around his (uncommunicated) schedule.

I'd start treating him like an ex too and tell
him to arrange in advance when he wants to see his son.

I think it's admirable you're trying to encourage him to see his son but you shouldn't put your life on hold to facilitate him 'maybe' turning up if he feels like it at the time.

Maybe text him and say, x y & z days at 5pm suit me for you to see dc this week, if you let me know in advance I'll make sure he's at home.

Also when he does come round for dc maybe you should start going out and having some time to yourself so he realises that seeing his dc doesn't mean he gets time with you

I agree that, at best, you and your son are a 'duty' call that he does when he has to, nothing more.

He doesn't prioritize either of you, and even goes out of his way to refuse to tell you when he's working when you ask !

He doesn't want you to know when he's free because then you might want to spend time with him, whereas he'd much rather see his mates or go to the football. He knows you won't ask to see him if you don't actually know when he's 'free' !

He only ever plays with his son, because he's NOT interested in doing anything else for him, because he sees all the hard work involved as YOUR job, not his ! This will only get worse the older your son gets.

I agree with PP's who have all said this, but you're actually single now, and you would only find yourself alone with your son if you were daft enough to ever move in with him.
You'd find yourself always waiting for him to come home, because HE'D be at the pub, or at a mates house after work. Anything rather than come home to face his responsibilities ! (You can bet money that he'd almost NEVER get home before your son was asleep in bed !)

Stop perpetually 'waiting' for this 'man', and stop changing your own life to suit his !

Put yourself and your son first. If you've got plans with your friends, then you KEEP them, regardless of whether it suits HIS bloody 'schedule' or not !!

And if he doesn't let you know when he's coming to see your son, then he either doesn't get to see him, or your parents let him in to spend time with him. (And he's to be expected to do ALL parenting things when he visits e.g feed him, change him and bathe him ! Just like a REAL father ffs !)

Hopefully you and your son will get housing, and you can begin again, with your EX taking HIS son OUT to spend time with him !

Thank you so much everyone! I think I just needed to hear it from other people.

I don't know when or how but if I'm doing the work alone I may as well be alone.

Thanks again everyone x

Is he paying anything for the baby?

He matches the child benefit I receive. I gave up asking for extra cos it took ages and asking multiple times to actually get it.

Yeah you’re doing it all alone anyway; may as well make it official and break up with him

''We got pregnant straight away'...

I think that might be your answer. It sounds like you rushed into having a kid and you did not take time to first build a solid relationship and work practical things out, such as being able to afford a place for you family.

I am sorry to be harsh but this is likely to be why your partner is not that interested and probably never was.

Your problem is not communication, your problem is that he is not committed to you or your son.

I was in the same situation, apart from we were a year in before I fell pregnant and we were 15 & 16. He made an effort maybe once or twice a week with his son, then turns out he was seeing 6 different girls on the side, and he never saw him again. He's 6 now