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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this abuse?

14 replies

olith · 21/02/2022 23:04

DH and I have been struggling in our marriage for some time. He has mental health issues which are also causing problems. Today I found a recording device in our bedroom, which he then went on to admit buying but said he’s had it since last summer. The past 3 weeks have been extremely difficult for me, DH was taken to mental health ward and there were safety concerns for the family, he’s admitted to having paranoid thoughts. I’ve not found this device while going through his drawers or in his robe before today, (looking for things to pack for hospital) so it’s either recent (past few weeks) or he really has been using it since last summer to spy on me. Surely this is abuse, right? I get no privacy even when I think I’m alone. There’s no need for this behaviour, I’ve given him no reason to doubt me. All I do is take care of him, I manage everything for him! He said he got it to record me in case I was ever pleasuring myself and he wanted to listen. Honestly I think that’s even worse! Gross!
I’ve been thinking about a divorce since last summer, because he said he was thinking of leaving me, again for no reason, I can’t take the torture of it all any more. Would this behaviour be grounds for divorce? Grateful for any help, thanks

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 21/02/2022 23:07

That sounds very hard, OP, and I'm sure I'd be thinking the same as you in your shoes. To answer your question, I don't see how it could be classed as anything but abuse. But you don't need it to be grounds for divorce as such, you can leave for whatever reason you like.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 21/02/2022 23:08

You can get divorced for whatever reason you want. If you're not happy, you can divorce.

I would imagine that your h spying on you is a reasonable ground for divorce too. Yuk, what a creep! Good luck to you.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 21/02/2022 23:10

It’s a criminal offence of Voyeurism OP.

StillWeRise · 21/02/2022 23:10

AFAIK 'grounds for divorce' are the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage- if both agree this can happen quickly, if not it takes longer. I would think this behaviour shows the marriage had broken down.
Yes, its abusive IMO
Go and speak to a solicitor

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/02/2022 23:11

Absolutely it is. It's also illegal.

MissM2912 · 21/02/2022 23:13

It is awful but the fact he has mental health problems would make me wonder if he is really ill??

Itwasntmeright · 21/02/2022 23:14

I would say that if mental health services think he may be a risk to you and your family, it doesn’t matter whether he’s doing it on purpose or not, you need to be away from him for your own safety. Mental health services don’t label someone high risk for nothing, there is a very high bar for hospitalization.

I think regarding your wanting to get divorced, that is entirely up to you and if you no longer feel the marriage is working then you should go ahead and divorce. Whether or not this current mental health episode is classed as unreasonable behavior, it sounds like his behavior has been pretty awful for a while. You’re not obligated to stay in a marriage where you’re unhappy, even if your husband is unwell. If he’s going into hospital can you use this time to have a good think, and maybe start getting paperwork and things in order if you do decide you want to divorce?

Treacletoots · 21/02/2022 23:15

I think we really do need to educate people in this country about what "grounds for divorce" are! I can't think of any other potential long term commitment where both parties aren't expected to understand how to relinquish the contract if they so wish. The Patriarch is still strong it seems at keeping women in their place.

Rant over. Fuck yes this is abusive. It's also illegal.

You can divorce him for something as minor as him using a type of washing liquid you don't like, yes really.

Go get the fuck out of this awful abusive marriage and start living your life again, this sounds awful.

Original poster

olith · 22/02/2022 00:16

Yes he does have a diagnosed mental health condition, but it has been said that his paranoia isn’t due to his condition, it’s a problem he needs to address himself. So far looks like he’s not working on it.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2022 00:18

Set yourself free from this man. What he did is illegal, obviously abusive, and completely unforgivable. His mental health issues are no excuse. Get a solicitor and get him out of your life.

Original poster

olith · 22/02/2022 00:19

Thank you everyone for your comments so far xx

OP posts:

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 22/02/2022 00:34

I would absolutely be divorcing him. You could never be comfortable in your own home. What other creepy paranoid behaviour is he capable of? Who cares what bullshit he sprouts about why he did it? It's unacceptable.

Original poster

olith · 22/02/2022 00:41

Other creepy behaviour includes watching me asleep in bed through the gap of the bedroom door, I caught him doing that one!
He also follows me around the house

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2022 00:52

You don't need to provide more evidence against this man. You don't need our permission to leave him, but if you want our blessing, you have it. Run for your fucking life.

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