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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Believing the man you love

23 replies

Whatdoisaytohim · 21/02/2022 21:16

I’ve been dating a man for 6 months. He told a lie at the 6 week point and I forgave him (about the fact he sometimes sleeps at the ex wife’s house) I know I should have ran a mile at that point, but decided to forgive that bit.
I had it confirmed my a friend of hers that they definitely aren’t together.
Anyway, I spotted his car at her house on Saturday. He categorically said he hasn’t seen her that day, despite being there.
I called him out on it and I explained lying is a thing I promised him I would not tolerate.
I’ve ended it tonight. He swears he hasn’t lied or done anything wrong.
I feel a so stupid. I’ve been taken in by a liar and I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. Not sure why I’m posting here. Just feel a bit weird!

OP posts:

bongobingo43 · 21/02/2022 22:01

Does he have kids with her that he could have been visiting?

Doesn't explain why he lied about it or why he needs to stay over, but if they have kids together might at least explain why he is still in contact or at her house for pick ups & drop offs

Original poster

Whatdoisaytohim · 21/02/2022 22:07

It’s not the fact he was there, it’s the fact he lied, again.
He has one child with her.
I honestly don’t know what was the truth and what was a lie anymore

OP posts:

bongobingo43 · 21/02/2022 22:15

Even with a child together I still wouldn't see any need for him to stay overnight. That's just weird....however if they didn't have a child together I wouldn't expect any contact at all

I'd be the same if he's lied about being there tbh (especially after previously lying about soending the night)

Honey83 · 21/02/2022 22:52

It's weird he is still maintaining he hasn't lied when you saw the car with your own eyes

Honeyroar · 21/02/2022 22:55

You shouldn’t feel stupid. You should feel proud for not putting up with his dishonesty. His loss.

Treacletoots · 21/02/2022 22:57

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Well done OP for doing the right thing and kicking this lying gaslighting piece of shit to the kerb.

Sunnytwobridges · 21/02/2022 23:05

If it was all on the up and up then he would have no need to lie to you about something like that in the first place. Altho I'm not sure I would date anyone that felt the need to sleep at his ex's house. It seems off to me.

Keystone76 · 21/02/2022 23:09

You have made the right decision.

RedCandyApple · 21/02/2022 23:10

I wouldn’t date anyone that slept over their exes house there is no need for that child or no child, my ex use to try that with me and trust me he tried it on every single time. I had to put a stop to it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/02/2022 23:53

So he's literally lied to your face and told you that you didn't see what you know you saw with your own eyes?

Gaslighting is the most overused ever on MN but in this case it's absolutely textbook.

Fuck him off OP.

Momijin · 22/02/2022 00:51

Why are you checking up on him?

NotaCoolMum · 22/02/2022 01:26

@Momijin- you’re missing the point 🙄

MintJulia · 22/02/2022 01:30

I've co-parented with ex for a decade. It has never been necessary for him to stay overnight, although he's tried.

Well done for calling your ex out on his dishonesty.

MunchyMonsters · 22/02/2022 01:39

It feels shitty right now but not as shitty as you would feel if you stayed with no trust in this man.

Well done for doing the right thing.

Fwiw my DP regularly stays with his ex wife over night, monthly in fact.

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 02:00

Regardless of if he has a child with her, it's the fact he lied. If it was all honest, why not say 'I promised x I'd see Mary today'. I mean, if he has nothing to fear he has nothing to hide. It's not like you don't know he has a child so has responsibilities. The lying is weird. Good on you for cutting it short. It's a red flag.

user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 03:10

Unfortunately we can't stop people from lying to us.

All we can do is what you have done, express that it is a clear boundary and then enforce your boundary by ending the relationship if they breach it.

Squeezyhug · 22/02/2022 03:25

You did the right thing by dumping him op.
They may not be “together” as such but there may a fwb situation here, hence his reason for lying and gaslighting.

Don’t feel weird ,feel pleased with yourself that you didn’t tolerate crap behaviour.

Squeezyhug · 22/02/2022 03:28

Leave them to it. Just forget about him and hopefully next boyfriend won’t get you involved in a triangle with the ex.

Original poster

Whatdoisaytohim · 22/02/2022 16:35

Thanks :)

OP posts:

DetailMouse · 22/02/2022 17:06

Don't feel stupid. Be proud you've stopped it.

HeyItsPickleRick · 22/02/2022 17:08

Well done for knowing your worth and not taking any shit. Only would've caused more pain down the road.

CrumpetStrumpet · 22/02/2022 21:42

Don't feel stupid. He should feel stupid for being a liar!

Consider it a good lesson learned about how a man shouldn't be given the benefit of the doubt. You caught him in a lie six weeks in and that was a red flag. Dump at the first sign of a red flag. I've just ended it with a guy because I found out thr dog he claimed was his actually belongs to someone else It was such a wierd and bizarre lie...I just couldn't see past it!

Original poster

Whatdoisaytohim · 23/02/2022 17:35

Why lie. In your guys case, about the dog!? And why lie in my ex’s case. I can’t stand lies. It’s been a total waste of my time and effort trying to deal with it. I feel like a weight has been lifted now I’ve blocked him and can get some peace :)

OP posts:

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