Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I in the wrong?

23 replies

Fairycake2 · 21/02/2022 14:11

I split with my bf of 8 months last night. I know it's most likely the right thing but I still feel pretty rubbish about it.

Not for the first time he has taken a conversation we've had, twisted it and some hours later told me he was upset by it and what I said made him feel bad. He accuses me of things I haven't said (which are the bits he says make him feel bad) and ends up making me feel like I have to apologise even when it's an issue I've raised about something he has done.

I told him that if I make him feel bad then we probably shouldn't be together. A relationship this new shouldn't be this hard work and I can't be with someone where I have to watch everything I say, every day.

He can't take any form of criticism, teasing or requests not to do something simple like waste my hot water. He also says I shouldn't make certain comments. For example, I made a comment on how much I'd spent on food for us this weekend as we'd had 2 expensive meals out. He assumed this was me saying I didn't think he was worth spending the money on and pointed out that he never does it when it's his turn. He does, however, constantly go on about his outgoings being more than his incomings but it seems this is ok!

He tells me he wants someone who will boost his confidence and while I'm all for that, I think he feels I should give him a pat on the head and big well-done when he does anything. He always talks about how he's now looking after his kids 50/50 and doing housework/cooking for the first time. I have given him praise for this but am not the kind of person who feels the need to do this every time he runs the hoover around.

He's made me feel like I'm a really horrible person and everything I say is nasty and meant to make him feel bad (that's most definitely not my intention).

Am I wrong here? Should I be constantly boosting him up and congratulating him for what I think are every day tasks?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 14:16

FFS, why are you even questioning this? He's a petulant, pathetic man child and you've made the best decision of your life by getting rid of him. Now block him on everything and move on.

SpiderVersed · 21/02/2022 14:18

You’re well rid of the precious wee man-baby!

Grownups get on with things, they don’t need a round of applause each time.

Mix56 · 21/02/2022 14:18

Thank God that's over

Yankeescot · 21/02/2022 14:20

Wow does he sound like hard work. I think it boils down to incompatibility but him wanting praise and well done's for basic life mundane tasks? I think most women would find that exhausting. I think it's time for him to understand what adulting is about.

I'm sorry it didn't work out OP. Sounds as if he'd be well off to spend some time on his own figuring out that every day tasks are just that. It's not some special act that requires kudos and back patting.

Fairycake2 · 21/02/2022 15:50

Thank you all. I was genuinely starting to believe it was me and I was a total bitch!

I'm not always hugely sensitive in some situations but I'd never do anything to hurt anyone. We're clearly incompatible and it's good we found out sooner rather than later.

@Yankeescot I definitely think he needs some time alone too. I had some concerns about this early on and he assured me all was good but things over the last few months have made me think I was right

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/02/2022 15:55

I'm not always hugely sensitive in some situations

You're the right level of sensitive for you, and you're the right level of sensitive for partners you're compatible with.

Just because you're not the right level of sensitive for him, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means that he shouldn't hang around you, and he really ought to be taking responsibility for that himself, rather than heaping blame on you, simply for being who you are.

Does he think your life is meant to be for his benefit?

Teeturtle · 21/02/2022 16:01

Haver you actually ended it?

Or have you “told him that if I make him feel bad we probably shouldn’t be together”?

If the former, then good because you are right it shouldn’t be this hard. If the latter, it sounds a bit ambiguous and maybe you should clarify it to him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/02/2022 16:18

He sounds awful; you're well rid! Sorry you are upset; arrange a night out with some mates and tell them what you've told us. They'll soon reassure you! Hope you feel better soon.

GeneLovesJezebel · 21/02/2022 16:23

Oh god, it sounds like hard work. you’re well rid.

Pinkbonbon · 21/02/2022 16:34

So basically he was emotionally manipulative and gaslit you.

You're well rid.
Block the bastard before he attempts any more mind games. Brace yourself for the narcissist smear campaign (when they slag you off to other ppl).

Nadjathedoll · 21/02/2022 16:36

He wants you to praise him for looking after his kids and doing housework??? Grin

BlingLoving · 21/02/2022 16:39

At best, you're incompatible and it's good you're ending it now before this drags on forever. At worst, he's a manipulative, emotionally abusive twat who was attempting to train you to a) never question him b) make him your priority over everything else.

Most likely it's the second but that might just be my MN-induced cynicism about men! Grin

Graphista · 21/02/2022 16:51

Nah

You've dodged a bullet there!

I made a comment on how much I'd spent on food for us this weekend as we'd had 2 expensive meals out

Did you pay for both of them for him too?

He always talks about how he's now looking after his kids 50/50 and doing housework/cooking for the first time. I have given him praise for this

Why?!

He's a grown ass adult old enough to have more than one kid caring for said kids and doing normal adult chores is NOT praiseworthy - it's just part of being a bloody adult!

In fact I wonder if this is why his ex left - cos he was a whiny attention seeking twat who didn't pull his weight or pay his way!

What attracted you to him in the first place? Were these traits hidden at first?

You've got nothing to lose so quite honestly if I were you I'd tell him the split is staying in place as you have no interest in dating an immature, lazy, stingy, attention seeking waffler!

I'm not the most tactful person either op but my good friends, family and in the past partners/husband valued my honesty and integrity. People always know where they stand with me nothing wrong with that

Let me guess? His ex is

"Crazy, greedy and expected too much of me" right?

Riverlee · 21/02/2022 16:55

“He's made me feel like I'm a really horrible person and everything I say is nasty and meant to make him feel bad (that's most definitely not my intention). “

No one should make you feel like this.

You’re definitely best without him and Don’t feel guilty for leaving him.

Fairycake2 · 21/02/2022 18:49

Thank you again ladies.

To answer a couple of questions:

I didn't specifically say it was over but wished him well etc. However, I will make it clear.

We usually take it in turns to pay. When I'm at his he pays, when he's at mine I pay. It's just that these 2 meals were at nice places so quite expensive this close to pay day.

He did very little in terms of housework when with his ex but was good with the kids. He has recognised it wasn't right but does seem to need praise for now running the household, something many people have done alone for years!!

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 21/02/2022 19:03

Don’t look back. Things will only get worse. Be brave and move on

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 21/02/2022 19:06

You're right: 8 months in is the honeymoon period. It should all be easy and fun.

layladomino · 21/02/2022 19:47

Yeah I'd make it clear to him and move on. You and pp are right - at 8 months it should still be mostly fun and loved up.

He expects a pat on the head for just being an adult?! The very fact he thinks he deserves a complement for doing 50/50 shows that he thinks that him doing 50% is actually him doing a favour. ie it isn't his job to do.

Does he tell you 'well done' for doing housework or childcare? No, I thought not.

He sounds like too much hard work.

Pinkbonbon · 21/02/2022 19:55

Yeh well being good with his own kids hardly deserves a medal lol. It's what everyone is supposed to be.

He has already shown you that he is a loser. And a nasty one at that. Be thankful it showed before there was a ring on your finger or a bun in your oven.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

HaggisBurger · 21/02/2022 19:58

He sounds pretty immature. But that said I think it’s a bit rude to mention the cost of the two meals you had when it’s your turn.

I’m in a new relationship same length and we take it in turns but I’d feel really crap if he said that on his weekends. To my mind it all just evens out …

Fairycake2 · 21/02/2022 20:46

@HaggisBurger it was just an off the cuff 'ooh I hope I have enough in my bank' type comment but I take your point

OP posts:
LemonFanta123 · 21/02/2022 20:58

Please don’t go back to him! Run and enjoy your life!

pictish · 21/02/2022 21:03

8 months? Thank heaven for small mercies and that it hasn’t been longer.
Look no - he’s a needy, self-absorbed, controlling arsewipe. You have done well.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread