Middle aged / divorcee dating

[Estherpologist]

After listening to a Money Box show on the cost of dating, I'm wondering what dating is like now. The last time I went on a date the internet still sounded like a fax machine. and I was XX years younger. So even thinking about the logistics nearly makes me cry.
So what is dating like if you're not even 40something any more but not ready to be old?
Are dating apps worth it? Are they better or worse than hanging around winebars feeling lonely?
How many frogs do you have to kiss to find a prince? Or even just someone with their own income?
Is it realistic to want to find someone middle aged who is more interested in being part of a couple than two people sharing parts of their lives? Or is everyone jaded and cynical?
What is it actually like trying to merge families?
Am I completely over thinking this?

The benefit of dating apps is that you can browse from the comfort of your own home. The downside of that is if you don't like the idea of browsing for people. Another downside is that you have to make your profile pic the best it can possibly be, since the dating app culture is visual. You'll be competing with other profiles where their users may have edited their photos or used older photos making them looking younger than they really are.
Then there's the weeding out you have to do and there are some on apps who are just plain weird, some are liars who are married, then you have to read between the lines for the warning signs in their written profiles.
Also, there are scam artists using dating sites.
The world is a very different place from the days of the fax machine sounds (I remember that!). I think the real world is still the best place to meet a potential partner.
Good luck.

I am 57 and have done a fair amount of OLD. You need a mindset of using internet dating as a way to find new friends and have different conversations with all sorts of people. Best not to run before you can walk talking about merging families. For what it’s worth I had a lot of fun dating. You do need a thick skin for it and realise you will be rejected/ghosted/blocked for no reason at all. It’s them and never you. Remember that. You will have disastrous dates and great dates….all great fodder for a girls night out when they grill you about how internet dating is going. I had some fabulous times with a couple of guys, not long term but it gave me hope. It doesn’t need to be expensive, first date coffee or drink at the bar. Nothing more. Be brave but be wise that there are freaks out there you will learn to spot them. My experience is there are some lovely, genuine people out there looking for what you are looking for xx good luck OP.

I met my husband online! We were both late 30s and divorced with kids. I didn’t have any truly horrible dates, generally the worst that happened would be I turned up and realised within minutes that there was no chemistry, and then had to spend an evening with a perfectly nice man who I just knew I wasn’t going to see again.

My advice would be to be open minded but also know what you want- eg I only dated people who already had kids, as I thought someone who wasn’t a parent just wouldn’t understand the way my life was (at the time I had 2 primary school DC). However I was quite open minded about things like jobs/ appearance etc… a friend of mine has been on OLD for ages but has such a long list of criteria- refuses to date anyone bald/ without a degree etc

I would also say don’t wait too long to meet in person- you can spend ages messaging someone and think you know them, and then the reality doesn’t match the picture you’ve built up in your head.

In terms of merging families, just cross that bridge when you come to it. Plenty of people on here will tell you it won’t work (MN seems very anti blended families!) but it’s worked for us. We didn’t introduce the DC to each other for a year though, and took it all very slowly.

It's honestly fine. There are lots of people who are in the same position. Just be totally honest about what you are looking for -- it's the ONLY way to find someone who wants the same. There are so so so many people online that you need to think of it in terms of filtering.

To give you an idea of what it can be like: after a 20 year LTR, I signed up for OLD last year. I took a couple of basic selfies -- no makeup, no prep, just basic pictures, wrote a short description of myself and what I am looking for, my age, height, and job.

Within an hour there were +99 likes. (And I keep a tight age and location filter.) Men are not fussy, so every man I swipe on, I match with, pretty much. (I swipe on hardly anyone, less than 1%.) I am absolutely brutal in the filtering, and politely unmatch most of the time, and I still have more interesting, attractive, solvent men to date than I can functionally schedule. All the men I've dated have been actually great and I've enjoyed it all so far. My hard lines are that you must be solvent with an interesting job you don't moan about, be in decent shape, and you absolutely must have your shit together and respect women.

I'm nothing special. I am an average looking woman around 40; I am not even pretty, though admittedly I have a 'cool' job (I don't think this is a thing men look for!). I don't wear makeup or dresses or do any kind of grooming as I cannot be arsed. And it's fine! It's actually fine, just be HONEST, not needy, and trust your gut.