niggling feelings - traumatic ex

[ineed2dollars]

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 months. I’m with the most loving, caring DP and she’s a breath of fresh air.

Around 3 years ago, I came out of a very abusive relationship. She was condescending, controlling, manipulative and basically took everything I enjoyed away from me. I was miserable, used to cry in my spare time, used to be excited to get away from her. I found the strength to leave and never looked back.

Since then I took the time to heal. I found myself again, I spent time with my friends, took up my old hobbies, and I was happy in myself. I had a couple of therapy sessions and really understood my feelings.

Last summer, I met DP who makes me feel the complete opposite - she encourages my hobbies and my free time, she gets on with my friends, she has healthy boundaries and she’s an absolute delight to be honest.
We have spoken through my past trauma and she said I’m very self aware and articulate. She said I really understand my triggers and we have very good communication.

Despite the therapy and the chats we have, I still get niggling feelings (I think taking the time to heal was good but now it’s in practice in a new relationship it can be hard!). For example in the bedroom I feel insecure and no matter how much DP bigs me up I still feel not good enough (my ex criticised my body). Also, if DP is upset or stressed I will automatically assume it’s to do with me despite her saying it’s not. On the weekend we played a drinking game with friends which reflected on some past experiences with other partners and, when she said hers, I became very upset. I assumed she was saying it to humiliate me (as my ex used to humiliate me all the time) when she really wasn’t. DP was apologetic and understanding.

I am happy and fully understand my past, and my therapy sessions helped. I just want to stop the niggling feelings so I don’t end up hurting DP. Does anyone have any tips?

Thank you!

Sounds like you're well on the road to your own recovery anyway because you're recognising the triggers and why you're feeling the niggling feelings.
Just keep going. Your DP sounds wonderful.

Thanks so much, she really is! I think it’s just I don’t want to end up annoying her as I do tell her what’s on my mind and she’s very understanding but want it to stop

I think many of us struggle with this, we can do a lot on our own, consider ourselves 'healed' but a new relationship reveals the vulnerabilities you dont really get exposed to when single.

It depends on your DP, if she has healthy boundaries as you say, do you trust her to tell you if its a problem? When you speak to her about them do you come to her without attack or blame? If so I think have a little faith that first...you dont have to be perfectly healed to be in relationship, you're loveable as you are. And second its a bit like anxiety. I've had that since I was a teen. And I still do. It still 'niggles'. For years I wished it would go, i tried it all. It never went. But now when it pops up, im not bending over backwards to rid myself of it, worrying about it, it is what it is. It passes with very little fanfare. I suspect a lot of deep wounds are like that, they may or may not stop triggering you but with time you get accustomed to them

Is your new partner younger than you ?

Your confidence which seemed to have returned after leaving your previous partner has declined again, maybe you could benefit by having more councelling to understand the resons for this.

How the mind and body reacts to "heard" comments is fascinating, because the criticisms were so constant, you absorbed them in a way that occasional praise won't be able to combat very well. So you need to "overlay" it. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat some positive phrases about yourself, say them every day, both morning and evening, in particular phrases that will negate your ex's criticisms. You might not actually "believe" them, but gradually your mind and body will accept them.

Keep on in there OP. Some people are wonderful and you may have hit the goal.
You haven't quite recovered. You're definitely getting there though 🙂 💐