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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When a cheater asks you to fix the relationship

11 replies

cato40 · 21/02/2022 11:54

Any advice or stories of similar experiences would be greatly appreciated!
dh went through a textbook mid-life crisis. Has been very cold to me for a good year, cheated with an old girlfriend who came to visit from the States. I presented divorce papers and he was keen to move abroad with her first. Then the two lovebirds realised it is not that simple (she has kids too and her husband wouldn't let her take them to go and live in a new country). Now OW is reconciliating with her husband and mine is asking me to do the same and 'fix our relationship'. I have no trust and don't think we can fix it. Told him the best we could get is a coparenting relationship. I am tempted to still divorce and share our family home as we don't have family around that could help us with the children. Is that a bad idea? What are the pros and cons?
We both work full time and always had separate finances, just share the cost of bills and mortgage. He's always been helpful at home and we pay for a cleaner so wouldn't see that as much of an issue. Since the cheating we sleep in separate rooms and I don't wait for him for dinner. We only eat together with the kids at weekends.
(Already have a solicitor for the divorce case but still early days).
Many thanks

OP posts:
chicagocreature · 21/02/2022 11:56

Cast off this ball and chain. Do not fix the relationship. You didn't break it. You do not need to be second choice.

Featuredcreature · 21/02/2022 11:58

Divorce the disloyal cunt.

chicagocreature · 21/02/2022 12:00

@Featuredcreature

Divorce the disloyal cunt.
I like the succinctness.
Totalwasteofpaper · 21/02/2022 12:01

mine is asking me to do the same and 'fix our relationship'.

All that would get from me is loud laugh in his face.

Get on the phone to your solicitor and press on go for joint custody if he is so great at pulling his weight…

Goldberg213 · 21/02/2022 12:15

Get divorced… if you stay living in the same. House what happens when you both meet someone else?

cato40 · 21/02/2022 12:31

Thank you, well I don't trust him anymore and don't think the relationship can be fixed so will be divorcing. I am done with relationships and don't have the will or energy to look for another partner in life. I don't want to bring another man in my kids' lives, absolutely not!
Wonder if there are people out these that divorce but stay under the same roof? We have no family around to help and already lead kind of separate lives. If he finds another tart he'll have to move out and we agree in advance what will happen if one of us starts another relationship. Don't want to expose the kids to a trail of girlfriends or boyfriends, not in their home for sure!

OP posts:
Feart · 21/02/2022 12:52

Definitely divorce! He only wants to try again because the OW doesn’t want him anymore. He’ll be off again at the next opportunity. You deserve better!

2DogsOnMySofa · 21/02/2022 12:55

Divorce him and live separately, nothing
stopping you having 50/50 contact with the children. This will also allow you to do things 'for you'. Pottery classes, gym, walking or simply just resting in front of the fire and reading.

I know the last thing on your mind is another relationship, but in a few years time you may feel differently. Your stbxdh has already shown he's happy to jump into bed with someone else, so what happens if he has a new gf and you live together. Will he start staying away more and leaving you to sort the dc, will he want her to stay at your home, he may then decide to leave and take away your choice.

It's so much easier if when you split, you split lives too.

pumpkinpie01 · 21/02/2022 12:56

I would not try and live under the same roof , why live with someone you don't like if you don't have to ?!

Crumbleburntbits · 21/02/2022 13:07

Continue with the divorce and assume you won’t be living together in the same house for much longer.

Are you still cooking for him or doing his laundry? I suspect once you stop doing anything for him and refuse to ‘fix’ the marriage, he will move on to another relationship quite quickly. He sounds very selfish and you’ll be well rid of him.

iklboo · 21/02/2022 13:14

I'd fix it by getting rid too. Clearly trying to offload guilt by making it your 'fault'. Bin him.

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