Partners childcare arrangements

[MammyAR]

My partner is having some bother with his ex wife.

They separated last year and at the moment, he has his children 2 nights 1 week and 3 nights the 2nd week on a rolling basis and pays maintenance. He also has the children extra days whenever she asks and does all of the picking up and drop-offs. She is basically taking him for a mug! It's the controlling behaviour carrying on from when they were married.

However the problem is, the days change every week rather than set days, which is causing him havoc from trying to have a life of his own and work his shifts at work. His shifts are very important as he manages a care home and needs to be on shifts where there are shortfalls with staffing.

His ex is basically saying because he left her, this is the arrangement he is getting and tough luck!

What can he possibly do to arrange set days with her? Will we need to get a solicitor involved? And is this something that can be arranged through a solicitor?

We are at our wits end with it!

How is she taking him for a mug? He sees his children 5 nights out of 14, and pays the additional money to make up for the fact he doesn't have them 50/50. He decides whether he says yes or no to any additional requests.

I presume if they separated last year they are still technically married?

How long have you and he been together and how are you this involved?

He’s choosing to be dictated to. She’s not stopping him getting a proper contact arrangement. He could contact a mediator tomorrow.

Yes he will need to get a solicitor involved and get arrangements set up properly.

If they only split up last year then it is early days but he may as well start as he means to go on. Much better for the kids to have set plans too - less unsettling.

Contact a mediator to get an agreement in place. Get that formalised by the court. The only way to stop people dicking about with arrangements.

How do you know anything about when he was married? Why are you so involved? I’m sure he can work out how to put things right himself without his new girlfriend getting involved too.

He needs a court order for sept days of contact

Set day!

Thank you for this....that's also what he wants....to have a set routine for for the children...as the days she is at work, she is making him get them at 6am in the morning and dragging the kids out of bed at that time. We just need clarification of what we need to do to be able to get this formally done.

What is the alternative if she starts at 6am?

See a family lawyer.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

She may have to find a more child friendly job with shifts that work.

They only separated last year. I think you should stay out of it.

It's not fair on the kids but it's for him to sort out with his ex. Don't you worry about it.

@Nadjahomesoil

They only separated last year. I think you should stay out of it.

Yep. This. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

@OnceuponaRainbow18

See a family lawyer.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

She may have to find a more child friendly job with shifts that work.

Or you just get your kids up early for childcare. Waking at 6am doesn't kill kids

How is he already being referred to as your 'partner' if he separated (unless you mean decree nisi) from his wife only 12 months ago? That's already a red flag for me, I'm afraid.

Christ.

OP you need to stay out of it, and he needs to shut up about it. This is his issue alone, not yours.

I’d also 100% guarantee that what he tells you about her and their arrangement is not true.

My advice for you is that he talks to a mediator and that he and the EXW attend mediation to figure out what is best.

The only way he can get set days if the ex is refusing to give them is if the family court sets them. That process starts with mediation (family courts will send you back there if it hasn’t been attempted).

Family court is not a great process, it invites conflict, is stressful and depending on the age of the children / how high the conflict is, can even see children dragged into it in very real ways via section 7 reports. People are very gung ho about family courts, not realising how soul destroying they are.

If he can avoid family court he should. The children ideally need routine. My advice to you? Stay out of it.

My exh and I have been divorced for an age. We have a routine but that routine can flex and change depending on work commitments. My exh will have our children on random nights and vice versa. He’s no more a mug than I am. We both work, and these are our children and our responsibility. If I need help with them, as their parent he absolutely will take the opportunity to see them / spend time with them. If it works for him. If he can’t or it doesn’t work, then fine.

Nb. Of course you can can get a solicitor involved. See how quickly they rip through his money.

He’s seeing his children. I’d be really clear eyed about how kicking off legal proceedings will help this situation overall.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

The earliest I could find was 7.30 am! Nothing for 6am.

Last year could be less than two months ago for all we know or 10 months but either way you really shouldn't be getting involved in any of this, it's between him and his ex.

@Sassbott agreed. ExDP and I are flexible with each other, especially since I went to Uni full time after being a SAHM for a long time. Luckily neither of us have DPs to wade in what we’re doing and decide one of us is taking the piss. We’ve been split 11 years and it’s about mutual respect for each other, along with loving your children more than you dislike your ex. He wasn’t abusive, is a good father and a good friend.

Good luck op, as the other women you will just have to put up with what ever his ex wife states if he wishes to see his children, it's non of your business, its between him and his ex wife, even now you are at your wits end, it's only going to get worse I'm afraid, that's just part and parcel of dating someone with children unfortunately, you will just need to accept the situation and all the messing around

@jimmyjammy001

the other women you will just have to put up with what ever his

That isn’t true. The dad also gets a saying in regards to child contact

You can apply to court yourself to save additional legal fees - you could look for a Mackenzie friend to assist as well. It would start with mediation still.
It’s still early days since the split and maybe it will work out better over time - it does seem like there may be unresolved business there at the moment.

Honestly I’d let him deal with it - he should want to plus you’re not his wife or mother and don’t need to get into the ‘fixer’ of his problems roles - and just agree how awful it is without trying to suggest solutions. Carry on your own life and interests as well.

I appreciate it's horrid, but you need to stay out of it.

I'm really frustrated that my partner's ex tells partner that he's having their son far more than they agreed. I've had more than one date cancelled as he's got his son last minute again. We're talking 5/6 nights in 7 each week. Partner never says no as he wants to put his son first. My job is to stay out of it and make the most of the 1 evening a week we spend together. Note evening, not night, as ex drops their son off at 7am for partner to look after him.

I'm living in the knowledge this will only be for a short while longer until partner is happy to tell son about me. And he's very worth waiting for.

You've got to keep out of it all OP and decide if he's worth putting up with the hassle for, and if you can continue to still your tongue.