Thanks in advance for reading this as it may be long.
I am in my early 30s and I have suffered from mental health issues for a long time. Not that that's an excuse, but I'm just giving some context. Anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, disordered eating, highs and lows etc etc. This got much worse over covid lockdowns. I have had therapy and on medication.
To make things worse, I am in an emotionally abusive marriage and have been in it for more than 10 years. My husband shouts at me several times a day, and will always find things to shout at me about. I live in fear of the screaming. Plus he gaslights me all the time. The police have actually been called once after a concerned eyewitness contacted them when they saw the shouting and interviewed me about it. It's a horrible environment but I feel trapped because I don't have anywhere else to go. He says it's not abusive because he doesn't physically hurt me and shouting isn't a crime. We do not have a sexual relationship or anything remotely loving between us. We hate each other.
I'll admit I have low self esteem.
To get to the point of the post, over the past few years my mental health and marriage have just got worse and worse. I have relied on a friend as a shoulder to cry on. He became my rock and was always there for me and no one has ever been there for me like that before. The friendship was strictly platonic for 5 years but I'm ashamed to say this has now become a lot more than that.
He has always been honest that he cares about me and loves me in a way, this year we got much closer. This had led to us having sex a couple of times. I felt a mix of panic, guilt and yet, good at feeling wanted and loved.
I don't feel guilty because I am married, as my husband hates me anyway. He has actually told me to go and find another man. I feel guilty because HE is married.
He is quite a bit older than me so we can not realistically be together. I do not want to be with him as it wouldn't work. But he says we can enjoy the time we have. He said he loves me more than anyone and more than he's ever loved before.
But sometimes I feel so guilty about his wife. If it came out it would ruin his and her life. I have asked him if he feels guilty and what he would do if it became public. He said he doesn't feel guilty as he cares about me more, and there's no risk of it becoming public.
I've said I don't want to be the cause of a split marriage and he says his behaviour is up to him. He said they don't have sex anymore, but when we are together I have seen all the romantic text messages they send each other. Unlike my marriage, they seem to have love between them.
I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to lose him as he's my best friend and I would feel so alone. But I feel I am playing with fire and scared his wife will find out. I know I'm a terrible person.