Step family sets ups, what’s normal?

[Blueisthefeeling]

I have two dc of my own and 2 dsc that we have 50/50. I have been with my dp for 4 years. We own a house together.
Children are 10-12.
I feel that I am not that close to my partners the side of his family, and that I’m still an outsider. I’m not particularly close to them but his exw is still close to them.

I don’t call them in laws and feel as if his exw is still the daughter and sister in law to them. She also lives with her partner and has had further children.
My partner has asked for marriage and said that it would be different if we were married but I don’t see how. I’m not happy enough to marry and have this forever.

My partner thinks it’s normal and that we should help his exw occasionally with her new children as she is part of this extended family and that her new children are the sisters of my dsc.
To me the whole thing is messed up. She’s ok, I but I do find her selfish and a bit manipulative sometimes, my partner seems to think she’s great still.

Is this normal?

I dont know many blended families where aspects of it aren't weird. Either estranged exes. Difficult step and bio child relations. Family opinions. Mixed up schedules. Its not an easy task. What is it you actually want to happen?

There are all kinds of normal when it comes to step families. But, everyone involved should be happy. You sound very unsure. If after 4 years, you still feel like an outsider, nothing would change if you married, so it's good that you're cautious. I would be considering my future tbh.

I have 3 DC with ExDH and live with the kids and my DP of 6 years in a house that I own. My DDad also lives with us.

ExDH and his DW have a son who my kids regard as a brother regardless that he is not biological so.

My MIL and BIL from ExDH remain just that and we are all on good terms.

The ex, his DW me and DP all get on, we even share a Costco card!

Lots of tongue biting initially has paid dividends. Kids have 2 family's who love them and there are no unpleasant arguments.

Hasn't always been easy.

I think in a way it doesn't matter about the various set ups as long as you and your dp are singing from the same hymn sheet.

If you can see that his ex is being selfish and manipulative but he thinks that she is lovely then this spells a lot of trouble. I don't blame you for not wanting to get married into this.

You have a house together and there are presumably good aspects to your relationship but this problem of what sounds like you not having say sort of say or control in your own life sounds pretty awful to be honest.

I would suggest lots of talking and possibly couple counselling?

If you don’t like their set up, you don’t have to be part of it, but neither you nor your dp have the right to tell his ex and his family how they interact with each other.

I’m still treated like family by my ex’s family because I’m the mother of their grandchildren and nephew/niece, it’s nothing to do with ex’s new partner and it’s not threat to her.

Your partner sounds nice with his attitude towards his children’s new siblings. Blended families would be more successful if more people took his attitude.

I never felt as accepted by my PIL as DH's ex. But oddly I've always got on fine with the exW. She's been very kind to my DD too.
Each to their own really.

I understand how you feel. Do you not think getting married will improve your 'status' in the family's eyes?

@supercali77 I’m not sure what I want to happen. I’m definitely don’t want to have her other children here. We already have my two and my partners two 50% of the time. I’m the past when she was having a hard time at work, we had my partners children an extra night a week to help her cope.

My worry is my offering to have her other children is that when she goes through a bad time again, we will end up having 6 children occasionally and I just don’t want it. We all have demanding jobs and it’s a struggle already.
To me it’s easier to keep everything separate.

I do think I probably do too much for my dsc and my partner wouldn’t see how hard having extra children around would be.

@FairyCakeWings I wouldn’t dream of thinking she shouldn’t be a part of my partners family, she is their family. I think it just makes me feel as if there isn’t a place for me. I am actually ok with that. I don’t actually have a need to be close to my in laws. my partner would like me to be closer to his family though
@AubadeIsIt I’m not sure how getting married would improve my status, we already have a house together and live as a family. It’s not a risk I'm willing to take, I have a lot to loose should it not work out.