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Original poster

How not to get emotionally attached to someone?

16 replies

citylife11 · 20/02/2022 09:24

As the title might suggest, I get attached to men so easily (especially if we have also been intimate with each other).

Does anyone have any tips on how to basically not do this and have some more self-respect when men are showing signs that they are not interested?

Serious / nice replies only please!

OP posts:
PeacefulPrune · 20/02/2022 09:27

Don't sleep with them until you know more about them and think it would be safe to get attached to them and they show they want to commit.

Have a blanket rule that you stick to in terms how much you see them. Like never more than 2 nights a week in the first few months. Or do it the other way around and have a blanket rules for the stuff in your life that you won't miss out on in order to see them.

freckles999 · 20/02/2022 09:40

@citylife11

I USE to be like you! I seemed to get so attached so quickly but i realised for me it was part of my borderline diagnosis and having a FP/favourite person (not saying you have BPD, just what happened in my case).

For you I wouldn't sleep with them and try to detached yourself from all those amazing chemical reactions that our brain creates when you meet someone new and just pull back a bit. Perhaps reduce contact just a tad, no to the point of ignoring and seeming too far the other way, but setting yourself healthy boundaries to allow for the relationship to develop at a normal rate rather than 100mph which usually ends up with someone getting hurt x

DatingDinosaur · 20/02/2022 15:11

I used to be similar. I’d get attached to (or be attracted to) men that showed an interest in me.

Boiled down to my own low self-esteem/worth…. Oooh, somebody likes me, I must be lovable after all and I must reciprocate that (sleep with them). They want to sleep with me so that means they love me. Right?

Err, no.

Sleep with them, by all means, if it’s on offer and that’s what YOU want. But don’t expect it to guarantee a continuing relationship afterwards. Once you get your head around that, you’ll be fine.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 20/02/2022 20:02

Well no advice because I'm in exactly the same situation.

Not sure if it's normal or completely weird but I frequently make up in my head conversations that I'm having with him, sort of like my inner voice / self is living a scenario out with him. It'll be a conversation that often relates to something I really need to talk about (can be something upsetting or some past memory) and I think I kind of overly bond through being emotional and open with him - although it's all in my head. Or it could be sexual and amazing (more amazing than it actually is for real!) These conversations / situations don't happen IRL but I think it takes our IRL relationship from 0-100 a lot quicker, from my side anyway because I feel like I've already experienced something special with him.
Wow I really am crazy, reading that back.

Trying to say... try hard not to play a mental fantasy and try to keep it realistic, relate to what he is actually showing you rather than the potential that you are hoping to see and experience. I guess I need to be more realistic and perhaps wouldn't get so attached. Focus on not over playing it.

1butterflies1 · 20/02/2022 20:14

I used to be exactly like this too. I always used to ask myself, rather than focus on whether someone likes me or not, focus more on - do I actually like them?! Sometimes i used to get so attached to men because the attention was nice, when actually on hindsight they really weren’t all that.

phizog · 20/02/2022 20:53

I'm very good at separating sex from emotion, and I think it's because I assume a man isn't interested in a relationship until he specifically asks me to be in one with him. And I don't emotionally invest into any man (even the ones I like) until he starts regularly showing up and proving his commitment. And any man I like who causes me anxiety or doubt, I walk away from. I think of it in terms of - all this time i'm wasting being anxious, imagine if i spent it on myself. Could probably find a cure to cancer ha. Also if i develop feelings for someone who doesn't reciprocate I immediately switch off, I figure I'm too fantastic to mope over someone who doesn't want me.

Don't do gf or wife things for someone who sees you as neither.

Train yourself to get the ick with men who are emotionally unavailable, or not responsive, not prioritising you and not beating your door down to get into a relationship. I need to have sex with someone to decide if there's potential, but if you do get emotionally attached after sex then maybe wait till you know them better. Don't assume though, that if you wait a certain amount of time to have sex, it means he's more serious. No - guys who are built like that will ditch you even if you wait a month to have sex.

Own your sexuality, your boundaries, and demand the same treatment from men that you give them.

Keystone76 · 20/02/2022 21:21

I was very much like this in my late teens and early 20’s. If a man wanted to kiss me in a club, I would kiss him, if someone wanted to date me, I would go on the date, if someone wanted to sleep with me, I would more often than not oblige. I never stopped to ask myself if it was what I wanted. I kissed and slept with men I didn’t even really fancy that much in search of validation. It took me a long time to change my thinking. I look back at my past and wonder what the fuck I was doing.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/02/2022 22:02

Hopefullyoneday12
You are not alone !!!

My current technique to handle getting obsessed is to be chatting to a few , and to not get too exclusive
I’m not cheating , but I’m
Trying to flirt and not have all eggs in one emotional basket

As honestly I’m not quite right in the head !!

TuscanApothecary · 20/02/2022 22:06

Youtube crappy childhood fairy limerence.

AdamRyan · 20/02/2022 22:09

There is nothing wrong with getting emotionally attached to men you have sex with. It isn't a problem you need to fix.
I think maybe you'd be better not having sex until you know this is someone who is serious about a relationship

Frogium · 20/02/2022 22:15

You are not getting attached to a person but the idea of the future with him and the feeling he gives you. He fills a void in you, whether it is your craving for love or acceptance or being in a relationship because your peers are moving through life stages. All of that points to not having enough self acceptance and love. Find a therapist and fill your life with different things In order For your happiness to be so dependent on a man: hobbies, frinds, career, fitness, community and volunteering, pets etc all will help you havr a fulfilled life

wingscrow · 20/02/2022 22:20

What exactly is wrong with emotional attachment?

Many people don't want to just have casual sex and be seen as disposable commodities.

It is perfectly fine to expect relationships to include mutual feelings...

You just need to get involved with people who are on the same page as you and avoid casual sex seekers, friends with benefits and anyone who is emotionally unavailable.

Also take your time to know someone and don't sleep with them too soon.

Build up your self-esteem and only get involved with men who show they care about you and treat you well. Dump them the minute they start taking you for granted...

colouringindoors · 20/02/2022 22:22

Me too. Anyone who's nice to me I practically fall in love with. I know this but it doesn't stop it. I've had loads of therapy, I've got good insight but it doesn't change. Feeling very lonely doesn't help.

Livandme · 20/02/2022 22:59

@phizog

I'm very good at separating sex from emotion, and I think it's because I assume a man isn't interested in a relationship until he specifically asks me to be in one with him. And I don't emotionally invest into any man (even the ones I like) until he starts regularly showing up and proving his commitment. And any man I like who causes me anxiety or doubt, I walk away from. I think of it in terms of - all this time i'm wasting being anxious, imagine if i spent it on myself. Could probably find a cure to cancer ha. Also if i develop feelings for someone who doesn't reciprocate I immediately switch off, I figure I'm too fantastic to mope over someone who doesn't want me.

Don't do gf or wife things for someone who sees you as neither.

Train yourself to get the ick with men who are emotionally unavailable, or not responsive, not prioritising you and not beating your door down to get into a relationship. I need to have sex with someone to decide if there's potential, but if you do get emotionally attached after sex then maybe wait till you know them better. Don't assume though, that if you wait a certain amount of time to have sex, it means he's more serious. No - guys who are built like that will ditch you even if you wait a month to have sex.

Own your sexuality, your boundaries, and demand the same treatment from men that you give them.

Great advice here. Will try to adopt a little of it.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/02/2022 07:52

phizog

I also think that’s great advice
Especially the ‘train yourself to get the ick’
This has been in my head all week

AliceAbsolum · 27/02/2022 08:06

Thanks for that link about limerance! Never heard that term before. Really helpful

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