Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Relationship and mental health

19 replies

J198338 · 20/02/2022 07:42

Going back over 2 months ago I met a man on a dating website, we was talking for about 2 months before he asked to meet me for coffee. We went out for coffee and we got on well and we both agreed to go a second date. Overall I dated this man for about 6 weeks and he seemed to be a quiet, introverted kind of guy and seemed very genuine. We use to text each other everyday day in-between dates, normally initiated by him until it felt like it was just me initiating the texting. One thing led to another and I started to feel like he wasn't interested anymore. I thought I would put this to the test and ask him on another date. He agreed and we went out for a meal one evening. While we was out he seemed ok towards me but he looked tired and he was telling me about somethings in his life that was stressing him out. It was about 4 days after this date that I text him to see how he was and in reply to my message he said that he wasn't very good. He then went on to tell me about some more negative things happening in his life and how he feels like he's messed up in the head. He told me that he's going to see a doctor, so several days later I text him to see how it went at the doctors. He then said that they was going to refer him to a 'special unit'. He then said that he couldn't see me anymore because he's too messed up in the head. I offered him my support and told him to go off and get better however long that takes. Because I've been messaging him on whatsapp I can tell that he hasn't seen my messages. It's been 4 days now and he still hasn't seen my messages even though I can see that he's been online using the app. I understand how if he's mentally ill he may withdraw himself from other in his life and not feel like texting people. But I'm sure if that was the case he would not bother with whatsapp at all. He seems to be online (obviously messaging others) but still it appears ignoring my messages. I don't understand what's going on.

OP posts:

Nsky · 20/02/2022 07:54

This guy, may have bi polar or depression , very nasty , I know I have bi polar well managed tho

rrf · 20/02/2022 08:02

A similar thing happened to me, and ended with him totally ignoring me.
I know it's frustrating that your messages are not being read, yet he seems to be able to communicate with others. I suppose at least he hasn't withdrawn from everyone, which is good for him. However, you are building yourself a long and tricky road if you continue to invest in this guy right now. He either isn't ready or doesn't want it. Please do yourself the greatest of favours and leave this be. He will either answer you or he won't, but either way he is going through something that you are unable to help him with right now.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/02/2022 08:03

Whatever the reason may be he's told you he doesn't want a relationship and he's not responding to you. You can be charitable and think he's telling the truth or you can be suspicious and think he's lying but the outcome is the same. Relationship over.

rrf · 20/02/2022 08:21

Also might be worth deleting your conversation. It's hard to know he has been online and is ignoring you, but will you feel any better knowing he has read them and isn't responding? As soon as those tick turn blue you are going to be feeling even worse if you don't get a response. Just not worth it x

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/02/2022 08:23

What's going on is it was a 6 week 'relationship' and yours is not the support he needs right now. But you seem to expect priority, like hoe dare here messaging others and not you. . Withdrawing from someone you have know for 6 weeks, does not mean he also has to or needs to withdrawn from others, his family, his long term friends.

You told him to go off and get better, and then send numerous messages in 4 days which is putting a lot of pressure on someone whose mental heath is so fragile.

Accept he doesn't not have the mental strength at the moment and is seeking support from where he needs it. Accept that is not you - you are literally a stranger he has had 2 dates with. Accept this 'relationship' is over and move on.

Hiddenvoice · 20/02/2022 09:00

He seems like he’s not in the right headspace just now and not ready for a relationship.
You’ve been kind and offered your support.
You may see he is online because you still have a chat with him but he might have deleted the messages from you. I know this from experience, I could see when they were online but they had already deleted my chat.

It’s a shame you’ve got to know him and maybe Began to like him but leave him be for now. He might come back at another point to try again but he just needs to work on himself right now.

wingscrow · 20/02/2022 09:07

He is not in a place where he can deal with dating.

He has told you that. Respect his wishes. You are not his girlfriend, you have only met the man twice...

You have offered support, leave it at that. Anything else you do is just putting extra-pressure on him.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 20/02/2022 10:10

Listen to what he is telling you. He doesn’t want a relationship with you, for whatever reason.
Stop giving him headspace

AfraidToRun · 20/02/2022 11:53

Delete his number.

He isn't in the right space for a relationship. It's possible that you're driven for a need of closure which is understandable but I think you should work on the assumption that that is not going to happen. You can't make him respond and even if he does it doesn't sound like the righ time to be pursuing this. Wish him well and move on.

StormBaby · 20/02/2022 11:57

Are you dating one of my ex’s? I dated someone who was wonderful for about 6 weeks with mental health issues that put him in a secure unit. I had to back away as I went in to ‘nurse mode’. I’m a sucker for a sob story. We are still friends on Facebook and he’s still severely mentally ill 8 years on. 😢
I think you need to delete his number.

Original poster

J198338 · 20/02/2022 12:34

I haven't sent numerous messages in 4 days. I said that I messaged 4 days after our most recent date. I also didn't say that I had 2 dates with him 🤔

OP posts:

Original poster

J198338 · 20/02/2022 12:37

Thanks for your reply. A friend of mine had suggested that he may come back when he's better. She said if he wanted to ignore me altogether then he would of just blocked me rather than just ignore my message.

OP posts:

LargeInCharge · 20/02/2022 12:40

I wouldn’t be too hopeful about this one.

I’d carry on dating until I found something less complicated.

Pinkbonbon · 20/02/2022 12:43

Op if someone you're dating tells you then are messed up in the head, STOP dating them. You need to start asking yourself what is going on 3ith you that you are chasing someone who first, qppears appears be blowing cold and second, says he thinks there's something mentally wrong with him. Those are huge red flags. Huge.

Your first mistake was to talk with him for months before meeting. Thats not someone who wants a relationship, it's someone who wants either an ego stroke or a therapist. 2 weeks maximum in future before a date.

He is clearly is telling you he is not suitable partner material right now op.

Women are not rehab for damaged men. Cut this one loose. And tbh, run for the fucking hills too. And do some thinking about why your boundaries are so damaged hat you've continued to pursue this, because its not healthy.

DatingDinosaur · 20/02/2022 14:31

Ahh, that old chestnut.

Guy loses interest.

Guy is too coward to just end the relationship.

Guy invents woe-is-me story to justify his lack of communication/interest/interaction/can’t-be-arsed behaviour.

Girl goes into Florence Nightingale mode.

Guy didn’t actually want ongoing sympathy so invents more/worse stuff to make himself sound like a complete loser in the hope that Girl will just back away.

Guy gets pissed off because his sob story didn’t result in Girl ending relationship and looking like the baddie.

Guy has no other option than to validate his own cowardliness by ghosting.

Girl posts on Mumsnet asking what she did wrong/what she can do to support him.

What Girl should be doing is thinking “I’ve obviously dodged a bullet here and he’s clearly not the right Guy for me. Guy obviously has issues. I’d hate him to think I was being clingy/needy when what he needs is space. So he can have it. Lots of it. I’ll use his distancing/ghosting as my excuse to back out of this gracefully with my dignity intact”.

Girl should then get a few female friends round for drinks and nibbles and have a good, old-fashioned man-bashing session to purge her soul then get back out there to see how quickly she can see through the next Guy’s immature nonsense.

ChargingBuck · 20/02/2022 18:53

Why are you chasing a guy you have met precisely twice, & who is in no condition to handle a relationship?

What do you think is in it for you, from a man who has outright told you that he is messed up in the head?

Why have you fixated on this unsuitable stranger?

ChargingBuck · 20/02/2022 18:58

I don't understand what's going on.

What can you not understand? He has told you that he does not want to see you any more.

You would probably benefit from some counselling to help you understand why you are throwing yourself at a stranger with mental health problems who does not want to see you.

I am genuinely sorry about how harsh that sounds but FFS - you are going to make your life so unhappy if you keep devaluing yourself like this. Please get some help for your self-esteem issues.

linchinton · 20/02/2022 19:08

It does hurt when you are lonely and hoping for a relationship the the other person isn't for whatever reason.

If someone left me unread for over a few hours but was messaging other people I would assume they weren't interested in me.

I say this kindly, please drop this.

Go and find someone who wants to reciprocate your interest.

Frogium · 20/02/2022 22:07

What is going on is that he wasn’t into you and was trying to give you an excuse rather than stop seeing you. You kept chasing and the story became more and more dramatic. He has now told you he doesn’t want to see you. Why do you think you should support him? You are not his friend. Stop chasing the rejection

Also talking to TWO MONTHS before wanting to meet you is a huge red flag. If your online chats are mot moving to inperson dates fairly quickly you should move on and not build a relationship in your head

Flip