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Original poster

DP’s friend

25 replies

Goldberg213 · 20/02/2022 03:50

Name change as other posts may identify me.

Been with my dp for 2 years (female). We’re in a same sex relationship. Since we’ve been together she has had a friend (male) in the background who I have seen messages from etc and she has mentioned a few times in passing. This friend is married with 3 children.

When we got together - we had lots of late night chats about our pasts and my dp always maintained nothing had ever happened with this ‘friend’. My partner yesterday was finally honest and explained she had been an affair for him for a short while and that she hadnt told me as she was worried about my judgement. She had been in a bad place mentally prior to our relationship she says.

I’m struggling to process this and move forward as it has almost tarnished my view of dp. How could they do that to the married affair’s partner? What about their kids? Why did they lie to me?

My partner and I are very happy but this has made me see them differently and although I’ve only known this info for two weeks I’m struggling to move forward. How do I move forward?

OP posts:
saltedBubbly · 20/02/2022 03:59

I think for me there would be two issues to work through here.

The first is what is your DPs relationship with this guy now? Do you trust them? I would be uncomfortable knowing that my partner was friends with someone they had previously had an affair with. You don't mention any trust issues so hopefully this isn't a problem.

The second is wrapping your head around the fact that your DP was involved in the deception of her friend's wife. On this point I'd say what is done is done. People make mistakes and bad decisions. It was the married man who broke his vows and who has lied to his wife. Your DP played their part but they weren't solely to blame. People have affairs for many reasons, and your DP may have been hurt by this guy too.

People have pasts. If you can get past the trust issue, I wouldn't worry too much about it

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 20/02/2022 04:32

Thanks for your details reply. I just cant help right now looking at them differently. Im hoping it passes

OP posts:
haikyew · 20/02/2022 05:01

Friends with ex lover
Pretends that nothing happened
Lacks integrity

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 20/02/2022 06:15

Yea thats my worry

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldberg213 · 20/02/2022 10:10

Just struggling - even this morning. Not sure how I can see her as I did before.

OP posts:
Sassbott · 20/02/2022 10:18

I think what would throw me here is the fact that she outright lied to you, sustained the lie and continued a relationship with him under the guise of that lie.

Tbh the affair itself is by the by at this point. He was the one who took the vows, she wasn’t cheating. But she was able to lie to you and sustain the lie. For me that’s a huge breach of trust.

In your shoes that’s what would bother me.

Sassbott · 20/02/2022 10:19

I’m not entirely sure how I would overcome that breach of trust tbh. Why has she come clean to you now? Have you asked that?

daisychain01 · 20/02/2022 10:35

Once doubt and lack of trust creeps into a relationship, the lying by omission, the cheating, the fact the person is still in your partner's life, etc, it's difficult to shake off. It isn't just one thing, it's the collection of a lot of separate things that makes them look untrustworthy, and the feeling of what is next?

daisychain01 · 20/02/2022 10:39

My partner yesterday was finally honest and explained she had been an affair for him for a short while and that she hadnt told me as she was worried about my judgement. She had been in a bad place mentally prior to our relationship she says.

Something has happened in the past few days, something has made her do the "sudden reveal" after 2 years of keeping it all from you. Whether or not she fears you may get to find out from another source, or some other motive, what you know is she is probably doing this admission rather than you finding it out, so she isn't willingly being honest. That's typical of someone who has something to hide.

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 20/02/2022 11:11

Thank you. She only told me as I asked and I could read by her face that something had happened and then she did tell me the full extent. I told her I trust her as she offered to show me all their messages etc.

OP posts:
Momijin · 20/02/2022 11:29

I would struggle with this lie. One thing is not to disclose all her past but another to lie about it.

However, it was when you were first getting together and I guess it is a time when you want to present your best self.

The affair is on him though.

AnotherSillawithanS · 20/02/2022 13:05

It's in the past and it's none of your business to be fair.

Integrity? You told her she could trust you yet here you are on Mumsnet.......ssssneaky.

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 20/02/2022 13:14

Yes because it’s an anonymous forum so has no impact on our lives plus I’ve changed some of the details.

Should I have concern about them still being in contact?

OP posts:
Momijin · 20/02/2022 13:26

@Goldberg213

Yes because it’s an anonymous forum so has no impact on our lives plus I’ve changed some of the details.

Should I have concern about them still being in contact?

That's the problem with lies - it breaks your trust.

My boyfriend has told me some stuff in his past that is a bit off for me but it does mean that I trust him completely. He always tells me the truth, even if it is something that doesn't put him in a good light or an opinion that I won't agree with and I loved that as my last 2 exes were liars.

However, if she's not done anything during your relationship to break your trust and it wasn't her cheating on her partner, then you probably dont have anything to worry about.

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 20/02/2022 20:48

Thats what im worried about - how to get trust back

OP posts:
burntoutsoon · 20/02/2022 20:58

She flat out lied to you in the early days, for me that would be game over.

I am sorry you have been put in this position, I hope you can make the right decision for you Flowers

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 20/02/2022 21:53

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldberg213 · 22/02/2022 02:34

Well i’ve found out that she has been messaging this man for almost a year and she is saying that it is just as a ‘friend’ but I’m so confused. I’m lying here thinking am I total mug? There is children involved in this from previous relationships and I don't want to throw it all away due to this but what if I cant get past it.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 03:06

I would consider this to be cheating.

They had some kind of relationship in the past and have been keeping the communication going. The only people who will fully understand the feelings and dynamic between them are him and her...so I would have to assume the worst and consider it to be emotional cheating at the least.

If she was in contact with a woman who she had had a sexual relationship with and lied to you saying they were only friends and nothing had ever happened would you consider that to be cheating?

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 22/02/2022 03:38

Thats how I feel - emotional affair

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 22/02/2022 03:46

I take it the guy's wife has no clue about their affair.

Birds of a feather come to mind.
They are both deceitful and seem to lie very easily.

Your DP straight lied to your face and has been carrying on some type of "friendship" with a man where she was the OW.

I don't think I could be with someone who lies so easily and would continue to carry on with a cheater. Deceptive, lack of morals.
It's a big character flaw.

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 22/02/2022 03:55

No and infact my dp lied to the wife that it never happened when she suspected

OP posts:
Flywheel · 22/02/2022 07:56

I think some of the judgements of her here are pretty harsh. Sure, the lying isn't great, but did she lie because she was ashamed (affair with a married man) or because she was trying to hide the true nature of their relationship?
Having an affair with a married man - not great, but we all make mistakes, and the fault mainly lies with him, not her. I'm assuming she didn't cheat on anyone.
In an otherwise good relationship I would cut her some slack, assuming you trust there is nothing going on now. She didn't cheat on anyone.

user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 15:12

@flywheel
She's in contact with an ex lover though, someone she clearly couldn't control herself around before.

Secret contact with an ex is considered cheating by most people.

While the OP knew that they were in contact she wasn't aware of the prior history so it's just as sneaky and deceptive as not knowing.

Also if she was genuinely ashamed of what had happened then surely she shouldn't or wouldn't even be in contact with this man, by staying in contact she is still disrespecting his wife and giving her cause for paranoia and concern.

Original poster
Goldberg213 · 22/02/2022 22:40

Thank you again. We’ve had lots of heart to hearts the last few days. I’m so hoping we can get through this but only time will tell.

OP posts:
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