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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think DH is cheating on me

45 replies

StrawberryLadybird · 19/02/2022 19:19

So a valentines day card with a certain cartoon character on it was in his stuff. I asked him about it and he said it was an in joke between him and one of his work colleagues. I thought it was a bit weird, there was no name but I stopped and had a look and the writing inside looked really female. Men dont dot i's and exclamation marks with little circles do they?

And today I saw him delete a mirror selfie type picture. I was stood behind so I couldn't make out whether it was of him or someone else, but it was in his media of his Facebook messenger chats so guessing it was sent either to or from someone.

Other than this I have no evidence or reason to be suspicious. Everything seems normal.

I don't know if I need to be worried or extra viligent. I feel a bit sick and just wanted some thoughts. Thanks

OP posts:

Buildingthefuture · 20/02/2022 08:36

I wouldn’t be happy about this op, and I wouldn’t buy his explanation either. Not a popular opinion here on MN but I would be doing some digging

Buildingthefuture · 20/02/2022 08:40

Posted too soon! I’d have a good look through emails, messages, bank statements etc to see what’s what. And trust your gut. So often our sub conscious picks up things that we don’t want to acknowledge…..

Ladybugzrock · 20/02/2022 08:45

Argh, I’m so sorry @StrawberryLadybird this is gut wrenching stuff.

This all does feel very off. The valentine card is weird but the mirror selfie weirder, on Facebook messenger as well yep def off.

You’re going to be on high alert now, as your spidey sense is tingling! I’d listen to it!

Mumoblue · 20/02/2022 08:45

Honestly, act like you suspect nothing. Completely let it go on the surface. If he suspects you suspect him, he’ll go into damage-control and start deleting things and you’ll never find out the full truth. Try and find out whatever you can without him being aware.

Or- when I suspected my ex, I didn’t do this on purpose, but someone had once told me that if you unexpectedly pick your partner’s phone up and they jump up to get it back, they’re cheating. One day I walked out of the kitchen and picked up his phone (to set an alarm for dinner) and he fucking leapt out of his chair to grab it off me, and that’s when I was sure.

runsmidgeOMG · 20/02/2022 08:46

@StrawberryLadybird

It's a colleague I know of but haven't met. The card was just in amongst some work things and just had a quote of the character in, nothing lovey dovey. If it wasn't for the handwriting I probably could buy that it was a jokey card. But its definitely a womans handwriting which means he is lying.

Secretly hoping someone will come along to tell me their DH dots their i's with circles and its perfectly normal

My DP (male) circles his i's occasionally- mostly when writing his name and not for a full paragraph.... he's 34

That said...I'd still not be happy OP. This sort of thing would trigger me to overthink drastically (and I'm an over-thinker when there's nothing wrong!) I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hope you manage to get to the bottom of it.

Monty27 · 20/02/2022 08:52

His immature work colleagues may have coerced a female colleague to write the card.
However if you smell a rat there usually is one.
Bring it on the table straight away.
Don't mess with it. Find out what or who exactly is the joke here.
I hope it's not you 💐

femfemlicious · 20/02/2022 09:07

Try to actvvery normal. Try to get him to relax and that you have no suspicions. Get his phone when you can

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/02/2022 09:11

@JaneyJimplin

I smell bullshit. Totally platonic adult friends don't go to the trouble of spending £3 on a card as a joke.

It might just be early flirtation and not full blown cheating yet, but it sounds suspicious.

Actually my (female) friend sent me a "Galentine's" card and present to say thank you for supporting her through her recent operation. But she signed it!

This, though, is different and at least the thin end of the wedge of cheese, as my nan would say. It's probably a woman testing the water, and he is flattered so he's kept it. If it was an affair it would be more sloppy and romantic I think.

freckles999 · 20/02/2022 09:42

Men don't send their male friends Valentine's Day cards, even as a joke...

Original poster

StrawberryLadybird · 20/02/2022 09:53

Thanks everyone. For the last 2 days everytime we are alone together it's been on the tip of my tongue to bring up the card but I just can't seem to. Maybe because he hasn't ever given me a reason not to trust him before and I don't want to cause an argument.

I actually used his phone the other day to message someone on WhatsApp because mine was charging upstairs and he didn't bat an eyelid, so that's good right?

OP posts:

BlondeDogLady · 20/02/2022 10:23

I'd have a good snoop on everything.

InFiveMins · 20/02/2022 10:39

I'd be hugely suspicious of this OP. His behaviour over the selfie sounds shifty too. I wouldn't confront him yet but wait to see what else I could find out first.

cdba88 · 20/02/2022 10:48

You need to get hold of his phone, use your phone to take pictures of his screen if you find anything

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 20/02/2022 10:53

I think the fact he let you use his phone is possibly a good sign but of course he could have deleted anything incriminating or have a second phone. I'd be more worried that he'd kept the card. Surely if it was given at work by a mate he'd have chucked it in the bin or a drawer. I'd start delving now and check everything. Has he behaviour changed?

TulipVictory · 20/02/2022 10:57

I wouldn't say anything, act normal and keep your eyes and ears open. Maybe use an excuse to use his phone on another day and have a good look 🤷‍♀️

iwishu · 20/02/2022 11:27

Suspicious, I don't think a man would go through with buying their colleague a card when they find it hard enough to buy one for a woman, most of the time.
The mirror selfie would definitely be for another woman, perhaps someone he met online dating app/Facebook.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/02/2022 14:23

I actually used his phone the other day to message someone on WhatsApp because mine was charging upstairs and he didn't bat an eyelid, so that's good right?

Not necessarily; he could easily have a second phone

I'm not one who cries "LTB" instantly, but I'd be digging a LOT deeper over this

AgentCarterRocks · 21/02/2022 13:25

If the card was from a colleague and was "banter" would he normally show you? I'm thinking my husband would say "look what Tony did, the plonker". Keeping it but not showing it sounds more curious to me.

Bookworm20 · 21/02/2022 14:20

@AgentCarterRocks

I think this. My DP would definitely have shown me when he got in. In fact he'd of shown me if it was an anonymous card and he didn't know who it was from.

That said, some immature young lads from an office i used to work in did buy another lad a valentines card as a joke. The rest of thought it was stupid. But the lad they bought the card for was long time single and always getting a ribbing from the other lads about being a secret casanova.

The joke card they got though was over the top, think raunchy innuendo, the sort of thing blokes find funny.

what character was on the card and what did the quote say? That might tell you alot as I think if it was from a bloke as a joke, the card would definitely be overtly smutty and jokey or something.

Maybe, don't bring it up. can yu see if hes kept it? Just keep an eye out though, Maybe next time you use his phone, check out the deleted images section, should find the mirror selfie in there if it was innocent. If its gone from there too, its been deleted deleted, which would make me very wary of why

HappilyBored · 21/02/2022 14:34

@StrawberryLadybird

I actually used his phone the other day to message someone on WhatsApp because mine was charging upstairs and he didn't bat an eyelid, so that's good right?

That's good unless he has a second phone/sim.

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