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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is this mind game playing

40 replies

splashme · 19/02/2022 16:11

Long story short. My boyfriend was a knob recently. We fell out and I finished it.
We have unfinished business and I want to talk to him. He is answering my dms then going off line and then leaving me unread for another day or tw, then responding.
FWIW the fault was purely his but now he is playing victim. He is messing with my mind.
Why is he doing that?

OP posts:

Tulipsandviolets · 19/02/2022 21:50

Let him go op he's not interested. If it's the guy that left you at the b&b. Your making yourself look desperate keep pestering him.

PonderingLaw · 19/02/2022 22:28

@splashme

Why so *@CantLock* . Genuine q ?

Because you had a moment of sanity and left him.

You're doubting that decision and slightly panicking because you regret it. He knows that. He's capitalising on it.

You need and deserve a man who doesn't capitalise on it. Plain and simple. The sort of personality that will capitalise on it is the sort of person you will never have a happy future with.

So your choice is: a future of abuse or a future free of abuse. There no in between.

I suspect you think you don't deserve better than that so I urge you to find a way to build your self esteem. If you don't, you'll look for it through your relationship and unfortunately the sort of man you will attract won't be the sort of man who will give you that. It's a vicious circle. As you read this some part of you will probably recognise it but other parts might try to shut you down so you don't listen as it's hard to come to terms with.

If you were to return to this man it won't last. If you don't return to this man you have a chance of building yourself up in a new and meaningful way so you attract the right sort of person.

Original poster

splashme · 19/02/2022 22:32

Thanks. This thread turned into
A thread about a thread about it someone else's experiences . Thanks x

OP posts:

Graphista · 19/02/2022 22:37

He's playing silly beggars

To be fair so are you!

The pair of you sound very immature/loving drama

Ludicrous to think this is a healthy sustainable relationship

Sort the finances calmly and civilly and then have nothing more to do with him

And that's nothing to do with any other thread

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2022 22:52

@splashme

Why so *@CantLock* . Genuine q ?

We can only go by the info you've given. People who play the victim, punish you, stonewall you and make you feel so stressed you are giving ultimatums aren't people you should be pursuing a relationship with. Cant you see that?

givemeallthecheese · 19/02/2022 23:01

Bloody hellfire leave the man alone.

You finished with him. Leave it at that. Move on

Poor sod (him)

freckles999 · 19/02/2022 23:17

Jeez! This is a really toxic relationship and I should know, you sound like my ex!

You left him. THE END.

You ended it for a reason. Keep it that way. Can't keep messing with peoples feelings. It's really unhealthy.

I ended up in the psychiatric hospital because of the years of mental and emotional abuse from my ex.

Just leave it be.

RantyAunty · 19/02/2022 23:47

Cancel or find someone else to go on the holiday if you've paid for it.
Finances? Consider it lost.

Delete and block.
Once you get to this point, there is no going back as he will never respect you.

ugifletzet · 20/02/2022 09:09

Your writing style is exactly the same as in the other thread and the way you keep responding to posters with variants of "But why?" is similar too, so I can understand why people think it's the same situation.

Breaking up means you want the relationship to be finished. Your ex has no obligation to be in touch with you at all after you end it, assuming there are no children or other dependents at all. You seem to have been trying to use a breakup as a form of emotional blackmail, hoping he'd run after you and make it up to you. You can't accuse him of "playing mind games" because he refuses to do that, not when your own behaviour is all about games.

ChargingBuck · 20/02/2022 09:14

You're doubting that decision and slightly panicking because you regret it. He knows that. He's capitalising on it.

Come off it.
OP dumped the guy.
Now she's pestering him with multiple texts. Can't see any "capitalising" going on - just a guy who's not jumping to her new tune by instantly responding to her shilly-shallying.

As she's not getting what she wants from him, she's now bandying this notion of him playing mind games around, & PP are falling for it.

ChargingBuck · 20/02/2022 09:20

People who play the victim, punish you, stonewall you and make you feel so stressed you are giving ultimatums aren't people you should be pursuing a relationship with

& nowhere in this thread has OP described the man doing any of that.

She, however - broke up with him to punish & stonewall him, & is now playing the victim & has posted asking for advice on how she can pull yet another ultimatum out her her hat to control him with.

OP - walk away with what remains of your dignity.
And work on clearly & fairly communicating your needs in future.

freckles999 · 20/02/2022 09:33

@ChargingBuck

100%!

Monty27 · 20/02/2022 09:46

My son wasn't ecstatic when his gf dumped him. In fact he was quite upset. And thoroughly disgusted when she persisted her needy texts which he ignored.
Suck it up OP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/02/2022 10:15

@ChargingBuck

People who play the victim, punish you, stonewall you and make you feel so stressed you are giving ultimatums aren't people you should be pursuing a relationship with

& nowhere in this thread has OP described the man doing any of that.

She, however - broke up with him to punish & stonewall him, & is now playing the victim & has posted asking for advice on how she can pull yet another ultimatum out her her hat to control him with.

OP - walk away with what remains of your dignity.
And work on clearly & fairly communicating your needs in future.

Sorry I should have been clearer - I recognise OP from their other threads and agree with you completely. I meant if this is how she genuinely views this bloke and their relationship then it shouldn't be one she wants to pursue.

She obviously has rewritten the narrative of what's happened in order to shift all blame onto him, without realising that it then sounds crazy to want to be with him!

NameTypo · 20/02/2022 10:46

@ChargingBuck

You're doubting that decision and slightly panicking because you regret it. He knows that. He's capitalising on it.

As she's not getting what she wants from him, she's now bandying this notion of him playing mind games around, & PP are falling for it.

Op said: "We have unfinished business and I want to talk to him. He is answering my dms then going off line and then leaving me unread for another day or tw, then responding."

I would say someone is messing with you if they dip in and out of answering messages like OP says he is doing. The mature, adult way to deal with it is to deal with the finances speedily then say: Sorry but I don't want to continue texting^ as we have no future together, so this is my last message to you. I wish you al^l the best,^ goodbye!^

OP went on to disclose:

"FWIW the fault was purely his but now he is playing victim. He is messing with my mind."

It transpires there's some financial issue that needs resolving and she's trying to talk about that, but also has regret for ending the relationship so possibly wants to keep messaging to try and rekindle the old flame.

But anyone who is 'playing victim' or 'messing with someone's mind' by sometimes replying and sometimes leaving them hanging, all the time knowing the financial issue is unresolved and they regret ending the relationship, seems to me to be capitalising on her weakness rather than having the clear, balanced, adult response I mentioned above.

You seem sure she's making it up but we have no idea either way. We are not privy to all the information, so that means your guess is as good as anyone else's.

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