Out of control younger relative

[florafaunaforest]

Hi, just asking for some advice please or thoughts from anyone in similar situations.

I (29F) have a 22F cousin who is spiralling out of control and I'm not sure what to do. We were close as kids, but drifted apart as she became a teenager and in my opinion developed some mental health problems that were hard to deal with. I could write an essay on this behaviour but to put it briefly: she is extremely self obsessed and likes to talk very loudly about her sex life and masturbation in public venues, she started online stripping at about 16 years old, she self harms regularly and posts cuts/scars on her SM, she is out pretty much every night drinking and claims to do drugs, she posts explicit lingerie photos on her public Facebook where her entire family can see, and she has made multiple serious allegations against her fellow students. Her father was paying her way in university, which she recently got kicked out of in first year for not turning up and then made a serious allegation against a lecturer. She doesn't follow through with these allegations and seems to forget them quickly. She now refuses to get a job and as far as I can tell is now smoking weed in a random Manchester house-share that's still being paid for by her father. All she talks about is wanting to sleep with married men and how women hate her because of how hot she is. It's insane, but she's obviously hurting. I originally thought she was just being a teenager but she's 22 now.

I've tried multiple times to have in person conversations with her about her problems and starting therapy, but she'll talk over me about how perfect my life is and how she wants my life. I've worked hard to get to where I am now (happy marriage, home owner, good career etc) and I know I'm privileged but honestly we've both had pretty much exactly the same background and chance so I don't appreciate these comments. Now she's declared that she's trying to get pregnant because she wants a baby (not sure who with but I'm tearing my hair out at the thought of a child being brought into this situation). My family is quite traditional and has 0 clue about how to deal with this behaviour either - so they're ignoring it. I find it anxiety-inducing and exhausting. I desperately want to go no contact but I couldn't live with the guilt if something happened to her. She's so hard to be around though - I've never had the life drained out of me by someone like this before... Does this sound like BPD or some other personality disorder??

Does this sound like BPD or some other personality disorder??

With genuine apologies to any PP who have BPD but manage to control this debilitating & frightening condition ... yes.

However, whether she is or not doesn't help you.
The only way she will get a diagnosis is to ask for one herself, & undergo extensive therapy while a professional assesses her. That's not going to happen, because from what you have written, she is relishing her lifestyle & won't take kindly to being told she needs to make changes.

Although it's possible that if she continues to escalate behaviours, she will eventually be acting so OTT that she'll be arrested & possibly sectioned.

What would your 'traditional family' say if you mooted the notion of a personality disorder to them? Because if it is BPD - intervention isn't going to be effective. Even when diagnosed & properly managed, BPD is a huge effort for the sufferer. They have to really, really, want to feel different, & get 'better' (there is no real 'better' as there is no 'cure'). It is a massive task, & it's easier for your relative to continue acting out - it relieves the ungovernable feelings her errant brain chemistry causes her.

Does she realise how much work a baby is, especially if she is alone, no more going out every night and sleeping in at the weekend.

@ChargingBuck thank you for your reply. Indeed - I think part of me actually wants her to be sectioned at some point so that she gets some help. She's definitely not in the mindset of helping herself, it's truly sad. BPD sounds terrible and extremely hard to deal with - strength to those are are going through it. I'm tempted to bring the possibly up to my family and gauge their reaction, but as you say there might not be all that much even they can do.

@Bananalanacake she absolutely does not realise... I think she sees it as a cute accessory / something to love her.

Could you have a family meeting —- her parents, siblings, your parents and calmly state your concerns. She sounds as if she puts herself in some risky situations and acts impulsively. The desire to have a baby with her living situation, no job etc.. certainly sounds impulsive.
Maybe with a collective decision to help her your cousin would get some help.

Is it possible she’s been sexually abused? Something about some of her earlier over sexualised behaviour suggests she could have been a victim and is lashing out.

The road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions. Your own boundaries re your cousin needs further raising because you're becoming involved in this and you are making yourself ill as a result. Sadly you cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be rescued and or saved so stop trying. Deal with your feelings of guilt here through therapy if necessary because those are entirely misplaced. Reading the Out of the FOG website could help you no end.

Where is your cousin's mother here - I ask only as she is not mentioned at all. When did this all start with her; it likely started years ago with her in her own childhood. What has that been like from her own perspective?. There are always reasons for her actions and choices now and the roots of this started long ago.

How long too has her dad been enabling his daughter?. Her father needs to stop enabling completely because that is only giving him a false sense of control. Worst still, enabling helps no-one here least of all his daughter.

The only action I would do now re her is to contact your local social services – you can usually find their number on your council’s website. They can arrange a mental health needs assessment and provide access to support. She has to want to engage with that though and you still have your own life to lead. You cannot give away any more than you can afford to lose.