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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he changing?

6 replies

hopeful67 · 19/02/2022 14:53

My and my H have been through an extremely awful time over the last 5 months. I've left him and we've been no contact for a while. He put me through so much.

We are both in therapy individually.

We started contact again around 3 weeks ago.

In this 3 weeks, although we are not seeing each other on a regular basis, we've been out for coffee and that's about it, I am beginning to see a change in him. He is address issues from his past and childhood and is making huge steps into putting these to bed - and I mean big steps as in taking action with things he should of done years ago.

In the last 3 weeks, he has been nothing put patient with me, not texting me every moment of the day. He's removed himself off social media, had a bit of a gambling problem - self excluded himself.

I have made it clear that I am 100% not going back to him, I have my own place now and I want to carry on living separately. I want my own space, I want to do my own thing which he is supportive of.

I'm very wary of getting close to him again, it's only been a matter of weeks since we have been talking again but I feel I owe it to my marriage to try again. On my own terms, at my own pace. I've wanted him to have therapy for years, now he is and it seems to be doing him good.

Anyone been through anything similar?

Just to add, there was no physical violence. No cheating. Our marriage became very one sided, he put no effort in and just thought about himself. His needs became more important than mine and that's the reason why I left. He was very difficult to talk too.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 15:16

Oh OP - sorry you have been through this mill like this.

Please don't put any faith in "improvements" that have so far lasted 3 weeks & have no concrete actions behind them.

Also ... him giving you space by not incessantly texting you, & removing himself from social media is a very low bar to set for measuring 'improvement'.

And don't believe any gambler who tells you they have quit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 15:19

Who restarted contact?.

Why do you feel you owe it to your marriage to try again and thinking this too after only a mere 3 weeks of no contact?. You stated that you're not ever going back to him and want to carry on living separately.

He has not fundamentally changed in that time and could be telling you what you perhaps want to hear.

hopeful67 · 19/02/2022 15:24

I re started contact due to childcare - we have a dd together.

I am being extremely firm with him and I know 3 weeks isn't any significant amount of time to see a true change. But it's a start...which is more than I thought we would ever get too.

I do feel something has finally 'clicked' in his head.

But I am having my own therapy, I'm on my own journey now and I won't let him take any of that away from me.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 16:05

I re started contact due to childcare - we have a dd together.

Than make that contact solely about childcare.
Preferably on a co-parenting platform, like Our Family Wizard. And block him on everything else.

He is Hoovering you - lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

You have no need to hear about his claims of being a new man.
You are on your own separate therapeutic journey & if you ask your therapist about your husband's own journey, she will advise you to stay well out of it. It is seriously unhealthy.

I suspect he is angling to 'compare therapy notes' & sell his amazing personality transplant to you.

Crimeismymiddlename · 19/02/2022 16:16

It’s too soon to tell. However it seems you have given him every chance to sort himself out and he only did when you left. He might be one in a million that keeps it up-but you know him, is he capable of long term change.

ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 16:28

@Crimeismymiddlename

It’s too soon to tell. However it seems you have given him every chance to sort himself out and he only did when you left. He might be one in a million that keeps it up-but you know him, is he capable of long term change.
You are so right, Crime.

Aaaaw, look at him now, all changed & improved.
ie acting like the good boy, because finally - finally - his actions have consequences to HIM.

He didn't give a fuck when it was only you was was hurting OP.

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