Friend attempted suicide and said it’s my fault

[RockpoolGirl]

This happened a couple of years ago but it plays on my mind daily and I need to get it out.

My male friend and I were very good friends, he was also friends with my boyfriend and there were a group of us. As things were unravelling with my boyfriend my friend- let’s call him B- told me he had feelings for me. My head was all over the place re my boyfriend but I didn’t indicate to B that they were reciprocated because they weren’t.

Anyway. I was now single and still friends with B. At no point did I ever indicate I had feelings for him apart from once on a night out when I made one flirty comment to him after a few drinks.

A few months later we went to a bar with a few of our other friends. Chatting, having a few drinks etc. Three of us including B got in a cab back to where we lived. I said night and went into my house. I was sitting in my room looking at photos on my phone when I heard a kerfuffle downstairs. Suddenly my bedroom door burst open and B walked in. Turned out he had knocked on the front door and when my sister answered he had pushed past her and barged in!

I was sitting there shocked and then he removed his coat and started to walk towards me. I was feeling vulnerable sitting in my bedroom and didn’t know what the hell he was going to do so I told him to leave. He refused so I had to be more forceful with my words. Eventually I got him downstairs to the door and he was still refusing to leave. Because he was unsteady after a few drinks I was able to open the door with one hand and push him out with the other, shutting it behind him. I heard him screaming the F word as he walked away.

The next day I got a call from B to tell me that he had been in A&E overnight after taking an overdose of painkillers. He said it was my fault. I was horrified but felt like he had been wrong for forcing himself in to my house and scaring me so I told him I didn’t feel I was wrong for making him go.

The next day I arrived at work to find cds and books that he had borrowed from me thrown all over my desk. (We worked in the same building). It was like a punch in the stomach. I opened my email and he had written to me saying he wanted nothing more to do with me.

And that was it, he never spoke to me again.

He was such a good friend and I was gutted at the time. The fact that he told me his attempt was my fault has never left me.

I don’t feel that I messed with his head. I knew him for 4 years and there were maybe two flirty incidents in all that time, but otherwise he knew I was utterly devoted to the boyfriend I had and later broke up with.

Was this my fault at all?

The next day I got a call from B to tell me that he had been in A&E overnight after taking an overdose of painkiller

Not only is not your fault, at all, but in their circumstances I would take his claim with a pinch of salt.

Giving him the benefit of doubt and saying he did go to A&e, there's a big difference between being rushed in dying from a massive overdose and having your life saved and taking a few additional pills and being checked to make sure you're ok. He could have been anywhere on the spectrum between these two.

Plus, massive overdoses of painkillers do tend to leave people with organ damage if they survive. He certainly wouldn't have been back at work to dump stuff over your desk.

A genuine suicide bid would have seen him - at the very least - off work while assessed by a psych team.

@RockpoolGirl

I knew he had a mental health breakdown a few years prior that was fairly heavy so I didn’t think he was lying about the overdose but maybe he was, I dunno.

The did he or didn't he try to overdose is a red herring. Think of what he was saying to you then by blaming you. He was saying that your behaviour was wrong. That wanting a drunk, aggressive man whose behaviour was scary out of your house is wrong. What decent person thinks that? Only abusers think like that. A good person let alone a good friend would have been appalled about their own behaviour, instead he twisted it around and tried to pin everything on you and make himself out to be the victim when he was really the aggressor. A good person wouldn't treat you that way.

Not your fault at all. He absolutely sounds like a manipulative, controlling and possible violent, certainly explosive person that you do not need in your life.

*overdose did he / didn't he absolutely is irrelevant. He takes NO responsibility for his actions. That's your takeaway. You did nothing wrong. You ejected a drunken person who forced their way into your home.

I think he made up the overdose story to change the narrative and take the emphasis off his actions the night before.

It worked.

You’re still wondering if you are responsible for him taking an overdose, when you should be focused on how well you handled a dangerous potential rapist.

A friend of mine who took an overdose was in hospital for several days, and signed off work for a month.

If he was well enough the day after to be in work having gathered all your stuff, he’s either lying about being in hospital, or his “suicide attempt” amounted to two paracetamol and eye-rolls from A&E staff.

He’s awful. Don’t waste time even thinking about the manipulative prat.

He sounds like an Incel ffs.

He wasn't a friend he was a 'nice guy' and not to be rude but I bet good money he didn't attempt suicide or take a real overdose of painkillers.

A family member of mine died from an accidental overdose of paracetamol, they were rushed to the hospital as soon as it was noticed (within a few hours) but the organ damage and liver failure were already done and they spiraled and died within 12 hours - once that actions in motion it can't be stopped or reversed.

That said I have unfortunately known many attention seekers in my youth who love to say they tried to kill themselves via overdose (many even waste A&Es time to 'back up' their claim) but they never actually did anything its just manipulation when they didn't get attention or their own way.

@ShiroMiso

Those saying he he's BPD, how could you possibly know that based on one thread?

It's offensive. The condition is already stigmatized enough as it is.

My sister has diagnosed BPD and she has never behaved in that way toward her friends or love interests.

There's always posters trying the diagnose something on these threads Autism, BPD, EUPD, C-PTSD, Narcissism. He sounds like a regular variety abusive arsehole to me. It hurts to read those words linking you're loved one's ND or MH condition to horrible abusive behaviour. It'd be good if people could move past the stigmatized concepts, stop diagnosing and just support the OP with the issue at hand.

He tried to manipulate you and make you feel guilty.

He sounds like a complete creep. The best thing to do is to cut all contact with him and not give him another thought.

There's no way there was any suicide attempt. He just wanted to put you on the back foot so you couldn't call him out over his rapey creepy behaviour. He was also well enough to gather all your belongings and get to work before you and scatter them.

You did everything right, he was awful and it's great that he's out your life. Is there any way you can reframe your thinking and consider what you did that made someone fake a suicide attempt? You'll find there is no reasonable explanation that isn't "he's an emotionally abusive arse."

Wtaf?! He sounds deranged and absolutely, 100% NOT your fault.

I very much doubt there was a suicide attempt. He was just trying to make you feel guilty.

This is in no way your fault. This is all on him.

Wow!! That was a lucky escape. He’s a right drama llama isn’t he!!

I doubt very much he tried to commit suicide. Please try to carry no guilt. You did nothing wrong.

He probably took 3 paracetamol. It's v v v v unlikely he really overdosed and even less likely he spent the night in A&E. He just wanted to make you pay for rejecting him. He was embarrassed and it made him angry with you. It's pathetic.

Even if he had overdosed and spent the night in hospital it wouldn't have been your fault.

Years ago I broke up with a boyfriend and he attempted suicide by overdosing. Afterward everyone asked me why I had broken up with him and how sad that he'd tried to kill himself.

I broke up with him because he was controlling. Quite frankly he was scary. I didn't owe him a relationship. You didn't owe this guy a relationship either.

It's manipulative and controlling behaviour. Be angry at him for his shitty behaviour, don't feel bad.

Something similar happened to me. My main feeling was just anger at the manipulation, and sadness at the loss of a friendship. He wrote to me from his barracks saying he'd kill himself if I didn't agree to come and visit (from another country). It was 20 years ago. I phoned yo the head of the barracks and told him that if the letters and threats didn't stop I would report him to the police for harassment. It stopped pronto and he's perfectly happily alive as far as I can see from Facebook.

You are never responsible for another adults mental health OP. He was an entitled man who expected you to fall at his feet when you broke up with your boyfriend and when you didn't, he couldn't comprehend the rejection and quote possibly going on what you said was going to take what he thought he was owed.

Let it go, you're well rid of him and had a lucky escape as well. Good job you didn't return the feels. He sounds like he would have been hard work.

This guy was not a good friend. He's just shown you his true colours - manipulative and abusive.
I went out with someone like this when I was 18 who faked a terminal illness and threatened suicide when I tried to leave him. And somehow is was all my fault.
I wouldn't be surprised if he gets back in touch in the future and wants to be friends. I'd strongly recommend you never have anything to do with him again, people like this are dangerous

It is NOT your fault.
He is a manipulative controlling twat.
Had an ex do this to me over thirty years ago, he got over it !

jeez, that was not your fault at all. how dare he blame you

None of us have the power to influence each other in the way he implied you did. The choice was his, not yours. Even if you had flirted and then withdrawn or done any other manner of things to him, it would still have been his choice to attempt to take his own life. He had many other options as to how to deal with this. He chose this one. If it isn't clearing for you and you are still carrying around guilt I would strongly suggest counselling.

I very much doubt the story off attempting suicide and being up and about the next day, at work etc.
In my experience of someone attempting suicide the hospital keep you in for some time until they've assessed you, arranged support services etc.
I think 'B' wasn't being truthful....
glad you are happy now.

You only have his say-so that he took an overdose. Chances are it was bullshit anyway. I had a manipulative narc in my life many years ago and attention-seeking attempted overdoses was their standard MO when things weren’t going their way. It was such a regular thing I initially didn’t believe the A&E doctor who rang me to tell me they’d been admitted with what turned out to be a serious condition.

Assuming it even happened, you were not to blame and you have nothing to feel bad about. Get angry that this man tried to force himself on you instead.

I hope this thread gives you the closure you need to finally put this to rest. You did nothing wrong. Your "friend" was an abusive a-hole!

Another agreeing that he was never a friend. I'll bet if you were to try to reconnect with him now - I'm not for one moment suggesting you should you definitely shouldn't - he wouldn't be interested in knowing you as he's found a new victim. I say victim, as I'm sceptical that any man who views women as sexual objects that he can 'win over' after being told no multiple times, ever really matures into a loving partner.

In my younger naive days, I knew a few guys like this, who were pushy and would try to guilt (wear me down) into taking things further with them even though I would tell them early on that I just wanted a platonic friendship. They're never actually interested in a friendship once the penny drops that nothing sexual will ever happen. Thankfully haven't heard from them any of them in years.