Partner makes no time for me!

[Em9016]

Hi there,
I am very new to all this so I hope what I write actually makes sense! Bear with me! So I have been with my partner for nearly two years now and it was great but recently we’ve had a few bumps in the road. We’ve found ourselves in some financial difficulty (mainly because he decided to start his own business even though we didn’t have any money to put towards it) but anyway he’s making a go of it and I feel I have been very supportive. I raised my concerns but he did it and I went with it after that. Now because of the extra strain of a new business he is in debt and found full time employment as well as trying to keep on top of his own thing. To do this he is now working 7 days a week. I respect his work ethic and he definitely works very hard BUT it leaves absolutely no time for us. He gets home has dinner has a bath and goes to bed usually between 8 and 9. No later than 9. He tells me he is just so tired which I totally understand given the amount of hours he’s working. Although he does seem to miraculously summon up energy to go to the pub with his mates at least once a week. Then he comes home late in a drunken state. He needs to let off steam, I get that but what about me! I feel like he’s really taking me for granted and like he’s not interested in spending any quality time with me.
I should add that a year ago we moved to a new area with our 5 year old daughter.

I love him to bits but his selfishness is so upsetting. He says he’s working 7 days a week to sort our financial situation and I know he does love us but he’s making time and having fun with his friends but not me! When we went out for a meal last week (first time in ages) all he did was complain about how knackered he was. He did apologise and despite that we did have a nice time but we were home by 8 pm because he wanted to get to bed!

I would really appreciate any advice. I can’t help but feel very lonely and like my feelings don’t matter to him.

Thanks! Sorry I’ve rambled a little!

Does the business make
Money or is it just a
Vanity project?

So when you talk to him about it, how does he react? Is he dismissive or is it empty promises?

Is the child yours or his (you mention dd is 5 but you've only been together less than 2 years).

If it is your DD and not his, it seems you have moved in together really quickly. Why did you relocate areas? It is a recipe for loneliness.

Which night of the week do you get to go and blow off steam with your mates?

Is he assuming you will do all the household management etc? You don't mention if you work. You should get a full time job yourself and put your DD in wrap around childcare.

The relationship sounds doomed - you are just there to facilitate his life, and he isnt considering you at all. I think you should be making sure you are financially independentand preparing that you may be moving out in the near future.

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes DD is mine from a previous relationship. When we made the decision to move we spoke about all the pros and cons and I was not naïve thinking that it would be easy. However I was under the impression that he had his priorities right and was going to get a full time job as soon as he could soon after we’d moved. It was never part of the plan for him to work seven days a week. His new business isn’t really making money at the moment but it’s still new and he’s making a go of it so hopefully in time it will start to bring money in. But that’s just it, it’s all in time! I feel like a single mum again. There have been some empty promises on his side to be honest but I’ve tried to understand that at the end of the day my daughter isn’t his (although they have a great relationship) and it was a lot of responsibility for him to take on. But I cannot go on ignoring my own needs. It’s not healthy. He doesn’t seem to think of me at all at the moment or at least that’s certainly how it feels. When I have spoken to him about it he says that he’s making friends and socialising as well as working his nuts off to help us reach financial stability. That’s always his response and that he’s working like he is for us as a family. So he almost uses it to justify not making any time for us but I just can’t see how it’s going to work between us long term if it carries on like this.
He won’t stay up til 10pm so that we can have some downtime together after my daughter goes to bed but he’ll make time to go out and get pissed with the lads and stay out late! Surely he must see that’s upsetting for me.
We do love each other and I really want to make it work which he says he wants aswell but he can’t say that and then go on not actually spending any time with me surely! From my point of view there’s no compromise on his side and I feel very low on his list of priorities right now.

I really do appreciate peoples opinions on this. I find it difficult to talk to anyone about it so this is a great help.

Thanks!

So who is funding this business really? If he isn't earning any money then what is he living on? Your income? There are so many flaky self-employed man around on here and none of their businesses make a penny. As a previous poster said, they are vanity projects.

That’s always his response and that he’s working like he is for us as a family. So he almost uses it to justify not making any time for us but I just can’t see how it’s going to work between us long term if it carries on like this

Oh that old chestnut.

Unless you are in financial trouble or your poor, this excuse is often used to justify workaholic behaviour. Staying up to get pissed with the lads is worth it, but spending time with you isn't. The reason why probably, is because they make no emotional demands on him. They won't want to talk about the relationship, or issues you have with him working like this. Or, when he goes out, he knows he can let off steam when he gets drunk. I would watch that in case it develops in him drinking more and mire to cope with stress.

I'm afraid he wants two things that are competing for his time. He doesn't want to choose because he wants with, but it's clear which one he's prioritising because he thinks ypu're the more flexible and forgiving one out of the two. It's sad because I think this is really going to cost him, eventually.

He wants both*

You are low on his list of priorities
Your daughter doesn’t even make that list

He works as a self employed builder and he is working as a sub contractor on a project at the mo as well as working on his own business which is usually on Sundays. He’s literally working a full seven days a week. He took out a loan to fund his own business which is part of the reason he feels he needs to put all the hours in at work so he can pay that back and so that we have some income coming in. In light of this though given our financial situation he has started smoking again!! Which as everyone knows apart from being so bad for you it’s the cost of it! Another selfish act in my eyes. Sorry if that causes offence to anyone that is not my intention.

To put it bluntly I feel like I might aswell have MUG tattooed on my forehead but at the same time I want to be understanding of the pressure he might be feeling. I’m no saint but I can’t help but think if the boot was on the other foot and it was me in his position would I behave the same way but I know I wouldn’t. Far from it, I would make an extra effort to make sure he still felt as important to me and I would want to make time for us as a couple and as a family. For me that would always be the main priority. Money is important but time together is paramount and I can confidently say I would not be behaving the way he has been lately. He’s also made it clear that he’s going to have to keep working seven days a week for the foreseeable which means nothings going to change as far as I can see. He’ll make time for the pub and getting drunk but not us 😒

Do you work as well OP?
If so, I guess you are paying half the rent, bills & food?

So ... as he has no time at home unless he's sleeping, you do all the household drudgery?

He's got himself a housekeeper who pays half his bills.
You ... are an unpaid housekeeper, paying half his bills.
All this "I'm working for us" bullshit is ... bullshit! - he never even sees your daughter, I cannot fathom why you referred to her as "ours".

He's mugging you off.
It's only been 2 years, it's miserable for you, & you & DD would be happier with your independence back ... & you open to meeting someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

This sounds quite drudging already op for only being together 2 years. You’re feelings are correct.

*your

Thank you for all of your responses. It’s nice to hear that it’s not me being unreasonable or inconsiderate. I question my thoughts and feelings a lot which I think is mainly due to being cheated on in the past. He’s a good man but I am discovering how selfish he can be. Sadly I guess I was naïve to trust a man again! Before moving I trusted him to always put us first and I truly thought he had his priorities straight but that’s not proving to be the case. I’m going to talk to him about it again and how I feel and we’ll see where we go from there.

Felt I needed to add to your thread OP. My husband is a workaholic- own business we work together but he longer hours than me - and it is really hard. He literally works 7 days a week until 11pm every night. The only time we really spend together is when we are working together. I've been angry with him, I've argued with him about it, I've basically tried to change him and get him to spend time with me but I've realised I can't and he won't. I've realised that the odd meal out together we do have will be after a work event. It is sad and not what I would have chosen but after 3 years of breaking even I can see that we are starting to make some extra money with the business to save and that does change things in the sense that sacrifices seem to start being rewarded. There has always been enough to cover bills and the odd takeaway but we have been slowly upping our fees and I can see there is going to be a financial gain in the business. I've always been quite an independent person so I have lots of friends and go out as much as I can with those. I've started to see that my husband is really good at what he does and I respect him for that. Working for ourselves allows me to spend a lot if time with our kids after school etc.

A few years ago I spend a long time entertaining the idea of having an affair / maybe going off wirh someone else because I craved a special connection with someone and time together enjoying life. However, I think life isn't as simple as that, especially when you grow up and have kids and have your own business. I don't think my life would be simpler if we split up, just different.

My husband is going to be one of those people who never retires and works until he dies. I've accepted that. I have my time with my kids, financial security, can go our with friends on the regular and have enough money for a small to middling online shopping habit. It's not perfect but I've come to accept this is my life. There are lives a lot worse than mine.

I should say that my husband can be a horrible stress head about work but he is kind and generous in many ways and our sex life is good when we get around to it. So no other women / addictions on his part. I am making the best of it but sometimes it is tough and lonely and I really do your pain. I wouldn't be happy with my husband going out with friends regularly and not wirh me but he never would do that as work comes first.
Sending hugs OP.

Are you married? Do you both own the house? I’m just wondering what you and your daughter are getting out of this relationship? Can u go back to your home town?

You’re being too hard on yourself when you mention you shouldn’t trust a man again, you’re making it sound like it’s your fault when you’ve rightly identified your needs aren’t being met and you’re not happy. You come across very intelligent and with good boundaries. So knock the negative self talk on the head. This is a good thing.

Has it been like this from the start?

You are possibly just not compatible.

Ps good luck with the talk.

Don’t minimise your needs and happiness.

Thank you for your messages.

I had the chat with him tonight before he went to bed! I laid it all on the line and long story short I told him how selfish he’d been behaving lately and that I was not happy. I made my feelings VERY clear! I’ve had enough and I think he definitely got that!

He saw where I was coming from and admitted to behaving like a selfish d**k! He has promised to make more of an effort and a chance to prove how much we mean to him.

He apologised which obviously deserves respect. He has now said that he will be having Sundays off from the end of march and that he will not be going out with the lads so much or prioritising his alone time out without me/daughter.

I am sceptical and not sure how much of it I actually believe but we’ll see I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Like you all say we’ve only been together for just shy of two years, should we really have needed to have this chat?! But I think we both want to make it work out so we will see. The balls mainly in his court I’m not gonna stay on the sidelines hoping for snipets of his time.

You sound like a lovely and supportive partner. As someone who started a business and couldn’t maintain a relationship because my partner wouldn’t understand the stress I was under, I respect the effort you are putting in.

He has definitely been selfish to you and your needs. We tend to get obsessive when it gets to start ups, but he needs to realise a line has to be drawn with you and dd and do his due diligence. After all, what’s the point of having it all and no one to share it with in the end?

Good luck to both of you. Hope it works out.

See how it goes op.

Don’t settle for crumbs.

You know the score anyway.

Everyone’s advice is truly appreciated and it has helped me see that my feelings and concerns have been totally justified.

Time will tell. There’s other things in our relationship which trouble me like the money he owes etc. I think I’m hanging onto the hope that “things will get better” and our relationship will grow and improve although I feel very uncertain at the moment sadly.

I know I love him and I believe he loves me and my daughter to but I do doubt our compatibility.

Relationships can be very testing!

Do you work OP?

Do you rent together and is the tenancy joint?

I really wouldn't recommend being financially reliant on this man when it's a two year relationship and you have a five year old daughter.

Yes I work part time as a cleaner. We are council tenants and the tenancy is in my name. It’s in my name because I was a council tenant as a single person. Although we moved together on paper he effectively moved in with me and my little girl.

I’ve always been quite good with money so it can be difficult being with someone who isn’t. Being financially dependant on someone is not something I’m comfortable with to be honest. At the beginning of the year he set up a savings account to try and put a bit aside when possible to decorate our house. He started off well but now just seems to put money in there to use to pay off his loan 🙄
I feel so mean saying all this about him and the more I write the more I do question what I’m getting out of our relationship.

Em9016 I think for me and my situation, I stay married to a workaholic because the business we work in allows me to spend a lot of time with our kids, we have financial security, we are married so a financial unit. I have access to money etc. I have come to my own conclusion that romantic love is wonderful but in most cases doesn't last anyway. So I've accepted the situation I'm in. If we didn't have those things above, though, i wouldn't very married to a workaholic if that makes sense. I think every relationship has its compromises as well.

Yes I totally understand where you’re coming from Sofartoes.

I’m giving our relationship time but if I’m honest I’m not ever so hopeful. I love him and I know he loves me but I keep questioning our compatibility and although I respect his work ethics can you really have a fulfilling relationship with someone who works as much as he does? Especially considering he goes to bed so early aswell. Last night he went to bed at 8pm. He finished work at around 5:30, went straight to the pub then come home had a shower and that was that. I felt I couldn’t bring it up because the night before we did have a lovely meal out together. But I’m not sure if that’s enough for me. Would the odd meal out be enough for anyone? We’re both in our early thirties and I don’t feel like we actually have a life together! He keeps saying that things take time to work themselves out (mainly meaning financially) but I’m not sure.

I don’t feel sure about anything! 😩