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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I try and get back with him?

10 replies

ABCDEFU22 · 18/02/2022 22:18

I was when my partner 11 years.
He was lovely until our children came along then he started to change. After our second was born last year, and he got a new high earning job he changed a lot. He didn't even give me a cuddle when I was in labour and terrified, in fact he just started an argument with my mum instead. He never wanted to do family things as he always wanted to watch football. He would sulk if I refused sex.
He said he was moving out and was looking at flats before Christmas. I stupidly went on tinder and he found out.
I've now left with the kids and he's texting saying he's struggling but he can't "get over" the tinder thing. Disregarding anything he did. I'm messaging someone I've known a while as a friend and he's been kind and ex is obsessed something is happening and asking if we're speaking.
I feel so guilty for the kids, and worried where we're going to live long term as I can't afford the mortgage.
Should I try to make it work?

OP posts:

caranations · 18/02/2022 22:24

No, don't get back with him. He won't change. An you need to get legal advice and proper finances sorted as soon as possible, so he is paying for his kids.

iwishu · 18/02/2022 23:16

Don't let him make you feel bad for going on tinder, he left you so you can do what you like. You have a baby so I understand it's hard to think about being on your own. That's a decision for you both to make to see if you can work it out.
If you were to split, would he not pay his half towards the mortgage? it's his home and investment too.

RoyKentsChestHair · 18/02/2022 23:24

Try being on your own for a while. Jumping from one crappy relationship to the next doesn’t give you time to get to know who you are and what you need. Get off Tinder, split with the useless twat and spend some time getting to know yourself. It’s scary as hell. But falling into something as an escape route isn’t going to help you here.

SarahBellam · 19/02/2022 03:15

No. He's an arse. You have done nothing you should feel bad about and the fact that he's trying to make you feel guilty so it gives him power over you just makes him a controlling arse. Tell him you were perfectly entitled to be on Tinder, and in fact you will be going on it again.

layladomino · 19/02/2022 08:17

No don't go back. He treated you badly and made you unhappy. And now he's trying to paint you as the guilty party and him as the victim. If you went back he would hold that against you forever. Whilst still treating you badly.

Make sure he knows that you don't buy in to his theory that he was somehow wronged. That you are well aware he treated you badly for a long time, including when you were pregnant and in labour. That you went on tinder afer he'd left you, so you did nothing wrong.

You would regret it (probably very quickly) if you went back.

MangosteenSoda · 19/02/2022 08:20

Nothing you have written suggests getting back with your ex would make you happy.

Absolutely everything seems to be about him and he has made all the decisions without a thought for you and your DC. You have a chance for a fresh start and a happy life. I’d take it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 08:26

Don't go back to this man, and if I were you, I wouldn't be jumping into any new relationships, either.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 19/02/2022 08:45

@RoyKentsChestHair

THIS

SunflowerTed · 20/02/2022 22:02

What a FcukEd up mess

gonnascreamsoon · 21/02/2022 06:51

No, there's nothing left to work on !

This 'man' isn't a 'partner', he's selfish, arrogant and abusive !

He's NOT interested in either you OR his kids ! HE'D rather watch footie !

How DARE he say crap like he 'can't get over' you looking at Tinder ffs !
HE'S the one who was looking for flats right before Xmas ffs !

Tell him you're really NOT interested in whether he thinks he can 'get over' ANYTHING, because you're NOT ever getting back 'together' (not that there was actually a decent 'relationship' there for YEARS !).

You have been effectively 'single' since having your children, so just carry on ! (And you'll actually be MUCH happier without the nasty manipulative bastards treatment of you bringing you down !)

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