Struggling with feelings.

[Natkjdcjw]

Hi have come here for a bit of advice! I don't know if I love my husband anymore only because I have finally got fed up with being constantly let down by him.
He's a drug user, (much to my dislike has been the whole time we have been together) he's constantly promising to get help and stop and never does!!
I used to love a good drink before we got together (never drugs!) but every time we drink together he always ends up starting an argument and it just puts me off. I can end up being a bit nasty when I get going and I absolutely hate it so have literally only drank when I go out with my friends which is only a couple of times a year, or I'll have a nice glass of wine when I know he can't drink for work purposes. He doesn't understand why I won't drink with him I've tried to explain but he just doesn't get it!

He can be an absolute horrible drunk, this year so far he spent the first month sober we had the best month then 2 weeks ago he ended up drinking and it was the worst day all he did was want to argue, he got quite abusive and I asked him to leave till he sorted himself out.
He came back and was sorry (he always is) buys me expensive sorry presents but I don't want gifts I just want a happy life with my family.
I'm not sure if I've just had enough finally. We've only been married a year (even that day he couldn't keep off drugs, tho he had promised me for months he wouldn't let me down!!)
I have signed him up for help this year myself he is awaiting his meetings.
I watch my kids watch their dad drunk 2-3 times a week being a completely ahole to their mum although it's never physically but verbally all the time!
I used to be such a strong person but I feel down trodden sometimes I can still hold my own but I feel weak. & I feel like I'm letting my kids down. If he doesn't accept this help I have to leave him. I don't feel like I have any choice for myself I'm still in my 30's I'm pretty sure my life should be a lot more fun than being a wife and mother that's pretty much trapped in the house cuz I won't leave him at home drinking and looking after our kids & if I go out and they tell me he's drinking I'm home asap. I just can't leave them and to me I'm losing my life.

Has anyone been in this situation or has any good advice. I know everyone will say leave but I just can't till I see if he can help himself, I've put up with it for nearly 10 years a few more months isn't going to damage me much more!!!

If you're the one who's arranged treatment for him, he's not going to engage with it.

If he wanted to get off the drink and drugs, he could go to a meeting of AA or CA (assuming it's coke) literally right now. There are zoom meetings 24hrs a day.

Until he's reached his rock bottom, he won't change. Your pleas, his apologies, they mean nothing to an addict.

You leaving could be the driver to him realising he cannot manage his addiction and seeking help. Or it may not. Plenty of people never reach the point even after losing family, job, home. Addiction is an awful illness and it's not something you can cure or control.

I speak as a recovering alcoholic myself.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

If you're the one who's arranged treatment for him, he's not going to engage with it.

If he wanted to get off the drink and drugs, he could go to a meeting of AA or CA (assuming it's coke) literally right now. There are zoom meetings 24hrs a day.

Until he's reached his rock bottom, he won't change. Your pleas, his apologies, they mean nothing to an addict.

You leaving could be the driver to him realising he cannot manage his addiction and seeking help. Or it may not. Plenty of people never reach the point even after losing family, job, home. Addiction is an awful illness and it's not something you can cure or control.

I speak as a recovering alcoholic myself.

He says he's ready for it, I'm trying to cover everything before I give up completely. He set it up before and lied his way through it so they so they thought he was ok and didn't need their help!

He's been on drugs for around 15 years. Yes it is coke.
I was brought up as a strict anti drugs and I'm still the same.

Tonight for instance all week he's said he's not drinking this weekend, he's come home with his little packet and his cider! It instantly makes me so mad! And I have no patience left to even talk civil to him after he promised our son we would play the new switch game we brought! So he's letting him down too and he doesn't see it!
But that's our weekend buggered now as he will be annoyed all weekend. And with the weather the way it is I can't even take my kids out away from him!!

I have threatened to leave a few times, stayed at my parents but he got drunk and caused a scene so it's not worth the hassle.
Nobody knows he's an addict, they know he drinks but I've never told a sole that he is a coke addict. I know I'm probably doing the complete wrong thing but to me it's embarrassing I don't want people knowing, I'm from a strict traditional background my family is successful they wouldn't agree with my life if they knew.
I don't have anyone I can talk to about any of it.
His parents have no idea, I have told his mum some of the things he has done. This is the part of my life I feel so alone and unhappy. That's why I have turned to Mumsnet thinking it may be my only outlet to tell someone. Even if nobody replies.

He is in the grip of his addiction. He is not going to change. You need to protect your children and yourself by leaving him. You cannot save him or make him stop - only he can do that. Addiction makes people very selfish and he is not going to act in your best interests or those of your children. You are still a strong person, you can do this. You do him no favours by staying - you are telling him it’s ok to treat you and your kids like this. It isn’t.

And you need support for you - try AlAnon, they help support the families and loved ones of addicts. Get help for you, you will need support to get through this.

Wow thank you for that I will definitely look into that..

It's so hard, I completely understand what you are saying. It isn't ok and since we got married and nothing changed I've noticed it more than ever. I never wanted this life for me or my family.
I look at him now and I hate him. I don't like anything about him. He's actually quite chilled and quiet tonight. But the next time it will be the complete opposite.
I can't bring myself to be intimate with him because I feel let down. I don't want to be close to him half the time.
He is very selfish although he always makes sure myself and the kids have everything we need. Everything else is all about him... he's had such a hard day he will reward himself with drink & drugs.
Stress = a heavy night.
I don't work and if I say I've had a rough day I'm told I don't know what that means! Although he forgets I am and could be again more successful than think in a work place. But I can't mention that!!