I think I'm unhappy

[Kayscott88]

Hi all first time poster ,

I've been with my husband for 17 years , we have 2 children together. He is a wonderful dad and a great husband however I'm just not happy any more. I don't think I'm in love with him. Today is his birthday and his been on a course for work all day, which is one thing however his now at work all night too. He could of booked today as holiday so we could celebrate with him. He choose not to. I don't understand why he would rather be at work. There have been no major issues but we don't go anywhere or visit anyone. I feel so isolated. I feel like I don't know who I am any more. I'm just a mother or wife with no identity of my own.

I'm worried that if I end it my children will hate me. I'm already the bad one because I do the telling offs as he won't. Everybody says I'm lucky because his such a hard worker , great dad and he is helpful but I still feel overwhelmed with everything I have to do.

Has anyone been through something similar

Tia xx

How old are the kids?

I think in general, he is not responsible for your happiness. Since it's Friday, wouldn't you naturally celebrate his birthday on the weekend?

I wouldn't expect an adult in his 40s to book his birthday off work.

Do you work? It sounds like you've got shoved into the role of SAHP, and that's not something that suits everyone. Do you go out and see friends? Have hobbies?

I would never take the day off for my birthday and wouldn't expect my partner to do so either. So I don't think this has anything to do with you. Maybe he doesn't think birthdays are a big deal.

I’m feeling similarly OP. No advice, sorry. I just wanted you to know you are not the only one. If you are the right age, consider hormones too.

I'm just a mother or wife with no identity of my own

This is not the fault of your husband or a side effect of your marriage. This is on you. If you want more for yourself then you have to make it happen. Perhaps this is more about how you feel about yourself than the state of your marriage.

And no, I wouldn't expect a grown man to miss work for his birthday.

I understand what you have written op. Everything looks good on paper but for me there is a lack of connection plus a boundary crossed - the damage has been done in terms of trust/respect etc. I'm not sure how this is going to end up but I don't feel in a position to make any drastic decisions for various reasons. In your case, you say there is nothing major?

I undertand the feeling isolated thing. At times I feel lonely. In my case, I think part of it is down to the state of my relationship and I have a sense of being 'stuck' but part of it as Aquamarine has written, is about how I feel about myself and to this end I'm working on developing my interests/hobbies/creating a sense of identity and perhaps widening my social circle. Perhaps this is a starting point for you too op?

I have also realised how so much of life has hinged around husband's work. While it is good to be married to someone who isn't work-shy/good work ethic, I think it has taken over more than it should have. Now he is working from home, I realise that husband could have probably supported me more when I had chronic PND for example.