Putting up with it

[Oneday1984]

My husband went off with another woman when I was 8 months pregnant after 4 rounds of IVF donor due to a genetic issue which means he can’t have children.

This is old news. I could never forget about it and we have stayed in separate rooms wedding rings off for the last 8 years. I can’t leave, I haven’t got enough money and wouldn’t be able to juggle my job and childcare. He on the other hand makes good money and can juggle childcare.
I made the decision to stay until my child leaves home. I can tolerate him and be friendly but its hard, does anyone know any support groups or offer advise.

That's tough, OP. I admire you for putting the security of your DC before your own happiness.

I presume you have looked in detail about whether it would be financially viable for you to divorce? You are entitled to a 50/50 split of assets, you can claim benefits and financial support for childcare.

Staying together and being unhappy is so hard, and you've done the hardest bit which is ending the relationship.

How do things work day to day? Do you do things as a family?

OP I say this to you from someone who has been the child in this situation - please, if you can, leave. Or make him leave.

It's horrible as an adult, when your parents finally separate, looking back at your childhood and realising that your parents literally only stayed together "for you". The guilt that puts on you. It's horrible looking back and realising you never really experienced a happy family home - whereas if my parents had separated after my dads string of affairs, yes they would have been apart, but they would have found other people (or maybe not) and had their own happy homes for me and my siblings. Also, please don't take this the wrong way, but you're setting your childrens expectations of a relationship/family on the floor. You're not happy, and you deserve more.

Please look into finances, if you're married you're entitled to a lot more than you might realise and can get help from a lot of organisations especially if your children are living at home. He won't be able to leave you without a roof over your head.

Im so sorry you're in this situation OP, I see what it did to my own mother. But please do not stay for the sake of your children - I understand your thinking, but if you can, you and them will be much better off if you separate now.

What grapevine45 wrote here in its entirety. Staying for the sake of the child is not at all a good decision here.

I have looked into it in some detail I could do it but it would be a real struggle for me financially. I am not sure I would get custody as my job is much less flexible and I would need to move closer which would involve moving schools. My ‘husband’ wouldn’t need to do either of these and would fight tooth and nail. I am just not sure I could risk it.

He’s very good to my child. He’s polite and respectful to me.

I didn’t think things would turn out like this, it’s very lonely. I just need to get through this time. Maybe a support group or way of making more friends, mine are all in happy marriages and enjoy being in the house.

I can’t imagine he’s going to quietly go along with your plan of paying the bills and loving as housemates for very long, and definitely not for the next two decades - particularly since he’s already had an affair, surely he’ll just have another one and want to leave at some point? And it’s far better for your separation to be in your terms, at your control, and with you in the know than whenever he decides to pull the rug from under you.

Sorry, next decade, your child is 8 years not 8 months. But the rest still stands - it seems a terribly insecure way to live.

He can be a decent father to his child if he chooses to be post separation.

Living what is basically a lie for an indeterminate number of years or until you child leaves home (not at all guaranteed at 18) will do both you and your child no favours whatsoever. That young person will and indeed is picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you and their dad?. What lessons do you think you will impart to your child by doing that?.

I’m not sure this is a good way to bring up a child; how will he or she view/form relationships?

We are totally amicable, we get on fine as friends. If I divorce him I will lose custody of my child. Not because I have any negative traits but just because he is better. Flexible to provide childcare, wouldn’t need to move schools, more capacity to earn significantly more money.
Is it better to risk custody then remain in an amicable friend relationship. I am not sure, I have so much to lose.

I just need a support group so I can keep my head down and continue to do my jobs.

Is he still shagging other people?

Do you really want to set an example to your child that relationships are loveless?

I'm not one to throw about LTB in a hurry. But I really could not forgive infidelity.

My understanding is the courts award custody in the best interests of the child. Your child, while young, is old enough to have a say in that arrangement too. What do you think your child would want to happen?

He’s a lawyer, he will win. How many of you would gamble custody or just put up with a comfortable, polite but loveless situation. I just wonder if any groups or friend sessions that could keep me busy.

I understand what you've written here op. It is so easy for others to say leave when there are other things at stake/in the equation including the custody situation. And whilst what others are saying does make sense, it isn't always easy to act upon it and then you're sort of left feeling guilty for staying in the situation due to potential harm to dc etc. on top of feelings of loneliness.

I don't know of any groups that could support unfortunately, I can only think of individual counselling if finances allow (other than a good and trusted friend) so you at least have a sounding board. You will find fairly regular posts here on the relationships board from people in a similar situation though.

OP i totally understand - I wouldn't risk custody personally. But it's so hard for you. Are you sure he won't leave/want to find a way to separate?

"If I divorce him I will lose custody of my child".

You do not know this for sure and besides which you are this child's mother and primary care giver.

Okay so he's a lawyer - so what if he is?. It makes no difference in the long run because even he is not above the law. Groups and or friends sessions will only keep you busy and or occupied for so long.

You're amicable with him purely because you've also stuffed down your feelings to suit him and be his friend; put your own self front and centre rather than this cheat you're still married to. You bloody well matter; do not do this to yourself and hang yourself by your own petard. Your household is not a happy one nor is this truly a happy home.

Sorry, as I understand he is not the biological father. You are 100 percent biological mother.
Do not let him frighten you because he is a lawyer. All rulings go in best interest of child. Sounds from what little info given that you have been the main care provider. At LEAST 50/50 would be a starting point.
Please forgive me if I have that wrong. You surely cannot be chained to this man out of fear for the next 10 years.
I'm sorry I can give no information of groups as you asked. I had to live under the same roof as my ex for 10 weeks....which felt like an eternity.
I had nothing when I left.
It took weeks and slowly I built a happy home, found a job around school hours and have built steadily from there. It took time and strength but like many in our position it has turned out OK.

So sorry that you are in this situation but I do think you should get some advice first. Here Citizens information/advice have free legal evenings where solicitors give their time up to give advise to people who have not sought legal advice before with an issue. It is not a certainty that he would get sole custody and it would usually be 50/50. Has he been saying if you leave he will get custody and if so this is an emotionally abusive situation. I personally could not be in this situation but for the while that you are yes join some local hobbies or walking groups or something that you would never think of doing and it will help you to keep busy doing something you enjoy. That must have been devastating after all you had been through and he had an affair. But what if he meets someone else, you need to get advice and try to get some help for making plans for the future. What about your family? Do you talk to them and do they know the situation you are in. You can split childcare and be friends as much as possible so your child is brought up with 2 happy parents living separately but he would not get sole custody just because he is a Solicitor. Am sure others will have better advice but you will make yourself sick living in this situation and always feeling like you owe him.

Are you in the UK? Just to be able to help advise you.

Have you actually had a discussion with him about splitting up or are you assuming that he will go for full custody? Appeal to his better nature, it’s in the child’s best interest to have two separated, happy parents and hopefully he will recognise that shared custody is best for DC. I don’t see why he wouldn’t be agreeable in this situation, he can’t be happy with the current setup.

If you're looking for social groups can you say whereabouts you are? Have you looked on Meetup for groups in your area?

If he’s honestly happier being used to provide a nice home and lifestyle to someone who clearly resents him then crack on. It seems a bit mercenary to me but I guess if he wasn’t happy with it he’d have made a break by now anyway. It sounds like a joyless existence to me, but if it works for you both being housemates then why not I guess. I’d look at getting some individual counselling as I can’t imagine there being many groups out there for people who are happy in this situation long term.

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them, I don’t have anyone to discuss with so they are helpful.