Harassment and stalking by ex

[peppermintteas]

My ex was arrested for stalking and harassment and is currently on conditional bail. My question is can I get the charges dropped? I don't want to go to court and now a non molestation order is in place I would prefer to move on from the whole situation. I think going to court with him he would do everything to fight it and make my life a misery and I just want to move on from it now.

At some point you are going to have to go to court, aren't you?

If he is that bad he'll just use your trying to drop it as proof you were lying and will start all over again. Do it once and do it well, as they say!

I think he can be offered to accept undertakings at court, basically promise not to do x y and z and then he doesn't have to have the non mol.

Why would you drop the charges he will only continue the behaviour

You can withdraw your support for the case but it is not up to you if it gets dropped or not. It will depend on the evidence. Often with cases like this they will run it anyway. You really are better off sticking with it if you possibly can. I know it is tough though.

I worry that maybe I encouraged the harassment as I tried to de escalate the situation as it took so long for the police to arrest by calling him a couple of times and asking him to leave me alone. I'm so anxious all the time and feel sick. I can't live my life like this

I didn't go to the police about the harassment I went to them to do a welfare check with what he had told me. I never wanted it to go down this route. I just want to be left alone now

The only way to get peace is to take the law to it's full extent.. Imo.
You can do this.

I read your other post and he threatens suicide when you try to break up with him, this is not meant to be judgemental but you was engaging with him before, I hope that’s stopped now?

Yes there was about 3 phone calls I made to him to tell him to stop and that it was serious. I had told the police about this anyway.

I think going to court with him he would do everything to fight it and make my life a misery

Meaning what, exactly? What is it that you think he has been holding back from doing that he’ll suddenly start doing if you go to court. I read your previous post. What additional misery are you worried about?

The only way to end this is to follow through with the legal implements at your disposal. Otherwise, your life will be an endless cycle of this. Him torturing you, you calling the authorities and you backing down. Is that what you want? You have kids, is that what you want them to see?

Did you provide a statement to police about the harassment. That is written document that you signed - as opposed to just telling them what has happened?

If you drop the charges, he'll keep doing what he was doing.

A piece of paper didn't protect Yasmin Chkaifi

If (or when) he breaches the non-mol, it's up to you to report it and prove it.

Steel yourself and press the charges.

You don’t have kids with him so you have absolutely no reason to speak to him again.

I feel some of you are trying to shame me. I have been gas lite and manipulated for so long and I don't even know what to do. I don't feel capable of making these choices right now.

@peppermintteas

I feel some of you are trying to shame me. I have been gas lite and manipulated for so long and I don't even know what to do. I don't feel capable of making these choices right now.

People are being honest about your options and what is likely to happen if you drop the charges. I’m sure that’s unpleasant to hear, but nobody is shaming you.

You are capable of making these choices, and I’m afraid that you have to.

Use the full force of the law. The only thing abusers understand are consequences. If you want to stop being his victim, he needs to be stopped.

No.

A victim has never had the power to 'press charges' (unless they take out a private prosecution), it's always been up to the CPS and the Police...but the wishes of the victim would be considered...so the number of DV victims refusing to go ahead with a complaint kept increasing.

To stop exactly this happening, wasting CPS and Police time and money, it is now the CPS that make the final decision whether to take a case to court. They don't need your permission or co-operation.

@noirchatsdeux

No.

A victim has never had the power to 'press charges' (unless they take out a private prosecution), it's always been up to the CPS and the Police...but the wishes of the victim would be considered...so the number of DV victims refusing to go ahead with a complaint kept increasing.

To stop exactly this happening, wasting CPS and Police time and money, it is now the CPS that make the final decision whether to take a case to court. They don't need your permission or co-operation.

I didn’t know this. While I’m very in favour of victim’s having agency in these sorts of things, I’m glad.

Thank you for sharing.

@noirchatsdeux

No.

A victim has never had the power to 'press charges' (unless they take out a private prosecution), it's always been up to the CPS and the Police...but the wishes of the victim would be considered...so the number of DV victims refusing to go ahead with a complaint kept increasing.

To stop exactly this happening, wasting CPS and Police time and money, it is now the CPS that make the final decision whether to take a case to court. They don't need your permission or co-operation.

Thank you for a clear answer

@noirchatsdeux

No.

A victim has never had the power to 'press charges' (unless they take out a private prosecution), it's always been up to the CPS and the Police...but the wishes of the victim would be considered...so the number of DV victims refusing to go ahead with a complaint kept increasing.

To stop exactly this happening, wasting CPS and Police time and money, it is now the CPS that make the final decision whether to take a case to court. They don't need your permission or co-operation.

Its often called - victimless prosecution or Evidence Led Prosecution.

You obviously still need some sort of evidence to prove the offence, but you can use the initial call to police, Body Cams of the attending officers, CCTV etc etc

It is designed to take the pressure off the victim slightly - so in this case the victim might not want to proceed - but as a society, we can still protect you and bring the prosecution regardless of this. Quite prevalent if there are children involved and we want to protect them.

I think this is what happened in the Caroline Flack case.

I don’t think anyone is trying to shame you. A lot of us have been where you are and know how dangerous and out of hand these situations can get. If you drop your involvement your ex will see that as a weakness, a chink in your armour where he can get in. He’ll push you to further limits, it’s what stalker exes do. They don’t have an off button.
As others have said, do this once, do it well. The court action will ban him from contacting you, ever, through any media ( phone, text, email, social media)
Let the police and court protect you then it’s done. You can move on with your life. Stay strong, you’ve put up with too much crap from this man already, let police and courts end it now.

I’ve name changed for this.

Firstly, I’m sorry you feel shamed by the some of the replies on here. I don’t think anyone is trying to shame you, but they are most likely posters like me who have been through this.

Firstly I’m sorry for what you’ve been through - the police should have given you a list of support agencies/ local support hub to help you deal with this. If they haven’t, please ask them. And do use them.

Second of all, as others have said, at the stage this is at, if the police have enough independent evidence to proceed with taking action, the CPs can press on without your consent. It is exactly what happened with Caroline flack, despite her then boyfriend dropping charges.

Thirdly, my genuine advice is to allow the law to do their job. I know (genuinely) how hard it is to try and process the fact that someone you loved / were intimate with has gotten to this stage. It’s awful and very scary. I’ve been through it recently myself.

I ended a longish relationship about 6 months ago. He was not leaving me alone, it took months for a specialised counsellor to get me to the point I would even consider police intervention. Why? I felt a mix of guilt, shame, embarrassment but also? I knew it would mean I could never see him/ speak to him/ hug him again. It was final. It felt like an unnecessary escalation, it felt like I was creating the drama.

When my ex continued to contact me, I even spoke to lawyers to see if they could send a cease and desist letter (anything but the police). My lawyers strongly advised me to use the protection of the police.

Eventually I did, I reported him. It was horrible. I felt sick. I felt scared, would it escalate matters? Would it make him angry against me?
The police were fantastic. That was about 2 weeks ago.

He’s left me alone so far. The police intervention worked and as I sit here today, I know I should have taken that step sooner and reclaimed my life.

My only advice is to let the police do their job. Let them protect you and put the necessary guide rails around your ex. Ultimately you have the right to move forward in your life and have people not contact you.

Any sign of folding from you will be viewed as a weakness by your ex. Which in my view points you in greater danger. Harassment escalates, it never magically stops. The police and the law are very blunt but vital instruments to stop harassment.

I know it’s hard. I know it’s stressful and I know it’s heartbreaking. But trust me when I say, you’ll feel stronger and better about this all. You want to move on? This will allow that to happen.

Thank you. I think I'm just a bit over emotional right now. To meet me I am pretty successful, have lots of friends and confident, but my ex really makes me feel weak. I'm waiting to hear back about extra support, but everything has been so slow and frustrating. I was told three different dates he would be arrested so I hardly slept for a week, not knowing when it would happen. I know I just need to be strong through it all.

There’s no such thing as over emotional when it comes to this. You’re emotional and every emotion you are feeling is valid. My experience was that I was scared, sad, overwhelmed and so heartbroken. I felt jumbled up by the facts and the fact that logically, my brain knew what needed to be done. Then my heart just hurt at the knowledge we were done. It was a very confusing time.

I am a successful person. Confident. Good career. Great friends. There is nowhere else I would have put up with the behaviour I did. He got under my guard and I loved him and then got trauma bonded to him. Unpicking that is incredibly hard. I was only able to do it with the support of someone who specialises in narcissistic abuse (I was trapped in a cycle of abuse with my ex).

I too didn’t sleep when I had reported him to the police and it was 5 days later they did what they said they would. Then when they told me they had taken steps, it felt like I had broken up with him all over again. It pulled me back months in the following days.

But honestly? I have bounced back within weeks. I’m being super kind to myself. Surrounding myself with people who can be supportive. And I am crystal clear that if he breaches anything. I will call the police in a heartbeat and let them deal with it.

I’m done being played with and these people need to be taught (by the people who have more power than them, the courts of law), that they cannot stalk/ harass another individual.

It does get easier, I promise. Hold your course

Hi, i know this is from years ago, but its relevant to me right now. I was wondering did you withdraw your support/ask for charges to be dropped and if so what happened?

Thank you