Married and infatuated with someone else

[HmD123]

have found myself in a position I never thought possible.

I have been finding things tough in my marriage. My husband is completely distant and ignores me a lot. He is very down about his job. It is too much for him as he got promoted and changed roles and it isn’t what he expected it to be. He is very driven but has lost his motivation and is very negative. He doesn’t help me much at home either. We both have very demanding high pressured jobs and 2 young kids (one of which is demanding as he has special educational needs).

I feel like I am carrying the full mental load for the family. But also being shut out by my husband.

A few months ago someone I knew about 15 years ago started contacting me on social media. He was someone I kissed once before I was married when I was young and single. Nothing more happened back then. But we got talking and it started off completely innocently - our mutual friend died and we were both sad about it. The chat started off very platonic. But after a while, he made it clear he was attracted to me and to be honest I enjoyed the attention and it made me feel good. He is really attractive and there is a mutual “spark”. However, he is not appropriate (he has a lot of issues - ex convict and drug addiction and mental health problems). I have the “perfect life” from the outside but feel so trapped and lonely and unsupported I latched onto this connection with the other guy. The messages exchanged started getting more intense and he told me he loved me. I never said it back and told him I did find him attractive but I couldn’t take it any further. My mistake was making it known to him I also had developed a crush on him. We never met up but I wanted to. But I stopped myself. I tried to end it several times but he kept coming back saying he missed me. So it was hard as he was telling me what I wanted to hear but I knew it was wrong.

Finally I Told him to stop contacting me for good. I blocked him on social media and on my phone. It’s been about a week. I feel so low and distraught, grieving over a non existent relationship with someone who isn’t right for me. But I can’t help feeling this way. It’s the unfinished business. I feel obsessed. I can’t stop thinking about him. I have developed an obsession and it’s eating me up.

I’ve tried to focus on work, going to the gym, my kids, spend time with friends. It is hard to channel my energy into my marriage as I feel like it’s a one way street - I am
Doing all the work and get nothing back. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about how I feel and he doesn’t say anything back. He just stares at the ceiling and hopes the problem will go away.

What I want to know is, how long will it take me to forget the other man. It hurts. I feel like it’s emphasised what’s missing with my husband. I don’t want to lose my family or ruin my marriage but maybe I have already damaged it by allowing myself to develop these feelings for someone else. I just feel so wretched about the whole thing. I’ve basically opened myself up to an emotional affair. But there has been no face to face contact. In some ways that seems worse. As it’s an internal feeling and seems almost pathetic that I’ve got myself so wrapped up in someone over essentially a few messages.

Any advice appreciated. I just want to feel happy again.

Your marriage is already ruined, so you don't need to worry about that. If your husband is not playing a role in improving things, and you've told him how you feel (you have told him how you feel, I assume? If not, you need to do that) then I suspect the chain of events is actually that you inwardly recognised that your marriage was over, and began craving marriage like things, and then this new guy showed up.

Your job isn't to shut your feelings up. Your job is to respect your feelings, and do it in a way that is adequately respectful of others.

You have 2 issues here, deal with them in order. 1. Your marriage. What do you need to do here, to respect your feelings? Talk calmly to your husband about how you feel, and if he disrespects your feelings, you need to get out, because that's a toxic situation. 2. Your crush. You can think about him all you want in the meantime, you can have massive sweeping waves of desire that feel like they're going to knock you down, but you're married. Keep them to yourself until you've dealt with number 1 issue.

Hi
Could you try and put some of that emotional energy into focusing on the issues within your marriage ?
You need to have a conversation with you dh as to how to get back on track perhaps . He sounds like he needs a bit of support himself right now and men are not that great at telling us so instead of focusing on him not being there for you, think about what he might be feeling . Are you making it easy or difficult for him to turn to you ?
Could you maybe have some date nights and get a baby sitter ?
We did some couples therapy sessions a couple of years back . It was online and expensive but seriously was so insightful amd helpful for both of us .
I think you've done the right thing cutting contact with this person but now is one of those challenges you can work through .
Hope you feel better both if you soon .

It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your husband where you ask him if he's willing to work on your marriage and tell him if not, then you'll need to divorce. It's not fair for him to expect you to live lonely life. The dodgy prison guy is irrelevant in all this, you recognised it was wrong and stopped it before anything happened. It sounds like you just want to be loved and have some affection in a mutual partnership instead of being ignored, taken for granted and treated like an unpaid cleaner, nanny, housekeeper

Missed a bit out!

From what you've said, when you've tried talking about it, he disengages and just thinks you're having another moan and things can carry on as they are. You need to make it absolutely clear to him that this is serious and if things don't improve then the marriage will end in divorce.

Thank you. I’ve tried to speak to husband on multiple occasions. I have been as blunt as saying I feel lonely in the marriage, unsupported, unappreciated, miss having conversations, told him he is withdrawn and doesn’t talk to me or communicate with me. The first time I said this he said nothing back. Literally nothing. Then the second time he said - sorry I am a rubbish husband and dad. I’ll try and be better. The third time, he admitted he wasn’t happy with his job and it was making his really down. But it’s like pulling teeth, having these discussions wears me down as I am very open and feel like I am telling him I need something back and I get a wall of silence.

We have tried to implement date nights but it’s all on me. I have to organise everything and he often messes up arrangements as he isn’t very good at communicating with me. For example, I had a gym class booked yesterday and he called me an hour beforehand saying he wouldn’t be home until 10pm so I couldn’t go and it was too late to cancel. I feel like he expects me to be at home with the kids all the time while he does his own thing. If I have a night out it’s planned ages in advance and I remind him several times and he still messes up! He double booked himself for a work event when we were supposed to be going on holiday so I had to move the holiday to accommodate his commitments. All of this could be resolved if he communicated better with me.

The romance and fun we had at the start is non existent. I can’t lean on him or rely on him. He sees me struggling with the volume of stuff I deal with but can’t seem to take on anything else (it will inevitably get messed up as he is forgetful and can’t seem to manage any extra than his day job).

I would like to try counselling but it’s such a difficult subject to broach as I feel he might already be depressed / struggling. It could tip him over the edge. So I’m walking on eggshells but this can’t go on. It’s not sustainable and I’ll end up either having abs affair or having a nervous breakdown! ☹️

Date nights and babysitting doesn't work until you sort the emotional connection. You need to make him hear you are very unhappy.

If you met your husband today, would you marry him? If not, you're labouring under the sunk costs fallacy. He's not interested in becoming the man you initially married, so you need to deal with the man he is now. Do you actually want to be married to this man?

Because if not, there's no point in counselling, other than to facilitate a smoother break up, and I don't think that's what you're after.

Your idea of getting your marriage back isn't going to work unless both of you are enthusiastic about it.

What's good about your marriage? What does he do for you and the household? What are his particular roles that he performs well and takes responsibility for? Compare them to yours. I suspect you'll have lists of very different lengths, and you won't really have time to finish yours, whereas he wouldn't be able to be arsed to even start writing his.

Honestly OP there's no easy solution. It takes time and focussing on the bigger picture. I'm a year post affair which ended for the sake of spouses/children involved and I still miss him as much as ever. But you recognise that you would ruin lives and so you cannot go back.

@HmD123 I have read your post with great interest. The majority of it I could have written myself sadly.

I have no useful advice to offer but just wanted you to know that you're not the only one going through this and I know it hurts like hell. Both the feeling deep down that your marriage is over and the fact you are totally infatuated with another man that you can't be with.

Myself and H are going through a terrible bad patch and had planned to separate after Christmas. He didn't want to and wanted to try again to which I hesitantly agreed. Our DD is neuro diverse and I knew her world would collapse and I wasn't sure I could put her through that.

Anyway, very similar to you a guy from 20 years ago whom I'd had a fling with but never slept with got in touch via FB. We've messaged for 4 months and I have become totally obsessed with him. To the point where I have developed ridiculous feelings for him and I don't know how to live my life without him.

You have absolutely done the right thing in cutting contact and that has taken massive willpower and courage.
My life is a mess as we did meet up once and although I do feel guilty I am left desperate for more. I can't see him again, he is very unavailable and claims to be very happy in his relationship. Part of me hates him for coming back into my world.

The whole thing is vile. 6 months ago I wouldn't have dreamed I'd be in this horrible position and couldn't stand people who had affairs. When you feel so ignored and sad in your marriage I think the attention from somebody gives you a boost and unfortunately strong feelings can then develop.

I understand what you are going through. I’ve been through something very similar.

I would never have considered speaking to anyone else but a friendship turned into something more and left me feeling more confused than ever. Like you we decided to cut contact and I spoke with my DH.
After a lot of talking we decided to give our marriage a proper go. We’ve been through a lot and are best friends, we just lost our spark along the way.
I’m relieved and very happy to be working it through with dh. I want my marriage to work but j feel like I should have also mourned the other almost relationship- as wrong as thag was.
I had to confront my feelings and figure out what was making me sad and what j needed. By doing this I was able to talk openly with dh and he confided in what he needed to.
Not going to lie, it was tough, I hate myself for what I did and I’ll always regret it but my marriage does feel stronger as weird as that sounds.

I feel very much like you in my marriage. We have had counselling together and I’ve also had counselling on my own. It has really helped me work out what’s going on with my feelings and inside our relationship. We have decided to separate but I now feel less confused. I would recommend talking to a counsellor on your own if he won’t come with you.

I would recommend marriage counselling to get back on track. Stay away from this other man, he really sounds like trouble aside from the obvious reasons why.