Abandonment issues from childhood

[ochreandduckeggblue]

How have they impacted your romantic relationships and have you any resources that you could recommend to begin healing please?
I sabotage all my romantic relationships.The penny has dropped only recently.

After a tricky start, fostered, care homes, failed adoption I think it left me with commitment issues.
Not wanting to let anyone get to close to you because they'll probably let you down.
Trusting people is difficult as well. I rely solely on my own judgement and rarely ask for help with anything emotional or practical.
I think I expect people to pull themselves together more and become more self reliant which can appear as being insensitive. I guess being abandoned can leave one with a number of issues. Some folk can probably become the opposite of me and present as being very needy. Either way it's important to try and understand why you feel as you do. It becomes second nature and behaviours can be hard to alter.

Thanks@Marineboy67 . I can totally
Relate to the trust issues and not letting any man too close.
I mess it all up then by having massive reactions to small issues when I've perceived to have been wronged.
From the outside, it looks
Like I have it all together in that I am a single parent with three kids all of whom have additional needs. My husband left as he met another woman. I work full time and Have no family support. The kids dad is rarely around and they have no interest in a relationship with him.
My dad was an alcoholic and my mum was embittered by her own life plus she favoured one of my siblings and had very little time for me as I adored my father and as a child he could do no wrong. That must have really hurt her.
I'd love some recommendations for books or podcasts to begin my healing journey.
I've just destroyed yet another relationship although I'm not sure it had legs in the first place , but still..he's gone and it's mostly
my fault.
Thank you.

had very little time for me as I adored my father and as a child he could do no wrong. That must have really hurt her
Of course you adored your father. You were a child and you wanted a loving dad. However much of a dick he was really, you didn't understand that as a child. Your mother was an adult who knew that. Why do you think your childish innocence and natural wish to be loved should have hurt her? If she felt hurt, that must have been because of her own issues.

Even when he died, she often said in anger how alike we were and I knew she really resented and disliked him so of course, that transferred to me. No pity party though. I just want to begin to heal.
My kids will grow up and I'd like to engage in a healthy relationship some day so I'm
Giving myself this time to explore and heal.

You need crappy childhood fairy on YouTube.

Have a look, I've found her extremely helpful and more helpful than the hours of therapy I've had.

Honestly OP it sounds like you become emotionally dysregulated like me. I've finally started sorting my shit out with the daily practice she recommends and learnt about how to regulate myself. It's been pretty life changing so far.

Thank you so very much. I'm
Going to treat myself to some decent chocolate and an early night watching this in bed later.
I'm very grateful.

I think it is OK to feel pity for yourself as a child - not to wallow in it, just to acknowledge that because your mother obviously had some massive issues of her own, she came out with some real crap, and it was not your fault. You did nothing to make her reject you. So you can feel pity for that child.
Is part of the issue that you feel that if someone leaves you, it might be your fault? (Just exploring this myself so find it interesting. Was listening to a podcast on it just this morning, but not in English.)

Yes I was not wanted and shoved in boarding school. I've failed in every relationship.
I was finally diagnosed with complex trauma with depression and anxiety. I am unable to function in relationships and have given up. I now live my life as I want and don't rely on anyone else.
Counselling helps loads. I got it all on the NHS.

The most important men in my life to date have all left me.
I'm not wallowing. I have amazing friends and family so I know I'm loveable and a good soul most of the time(!) but I also know I detach when love gets real and cause all sorts of harm. I can be horrible
Verbally and shut down emotionally, all the time hoping that they prove to me how much they love me. Of course, they get sick of the nonsense and leave.It's almost as if I am testing them if that makes sense.

Yes, l have serious abandonment issues.

I live in terror of being left, and find it hard to let people close.

I’ve had to be really careful when it comes to forming relationships. I’ve had very few. If it splits up l always go under.

I did hours of inner child work and therapy. It did help but not to the extent of learning that I become dysregulated and how to become regulated.

What doesdysregulated mean and is it treatable

Books that I've found helpful are:

Running on Empty and Running on empty no more - by Jonice Webb

Complex PTSD - from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker

Yes it's treatable!!

So when we experience repeated trauma as children our brains go into fight or flight mode. Parts of our brain shut down and can be smaller than others. Our brains pathways are primed for our survival and our brains are always looking to prove that we're not safe and to help us. But it doesn't help us in romantic relationships when we're older. So when we feel slightly rejected from someone our brain goes - WOA we're being rejected again, we won't survive and our unhealthy behaviours come out screaming. This can be an emotional flashback.

There are different stages and different research. Bruce Perry has amazing research on this and Allan Schore and van de Kolk if you're interested in the research.

But the crappy childhood fairy has a way of starting with the emotional regulation. You start writing down your fears every day. Not deap introspective journalling, just writing down your fears and resentments everyday and then letting them go. If you tie that up with meditation twice a day and van de kolk recommends yoga, then you'll start feeling so much better. Your emotions won't be in control of you anymore. It hits a part of your brain and your brain will start to come out of survival mode. Because your are in survival mode right now OP. You can get out of it, heal the dysregulation, become regulated and not swinging widely with emotions.

EDRM therapy is supposed to be really good too.

@TuscanApothecary that's what my podcast was about this morning. Makes a lot of sense.
The woman who does this podcast is called Stefanie Stahl, and I see that several of her books are available in English, but I can't vouch for the translation.
She trains you to catch yourself reacting in child mode, and switch to adult mode. Very interesting.