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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex husband ghosting me

25 replies

MamaFriend · 17/02/2022 23:34

Hi
I was on this page a year ago to say that my husband of 20y (together for 26y) had been having an affair, I found out one night and the next day he left me for her. I was absolutely shocked to the core and broken as he and I had been together since we were 17.
I’m gradually and slowly moving on. My daughter (diagnosed with epilepsy the week before he left) and I have moved house.
My question is - how can I get over the fact that he is now ghosting me? I only text him now about our daughter and never see him. When I text about dd (who has been a school refuser and suffered from mental health issues since the break up), he talks to her and doesn’t tell me he has. She’s 17.
He was my everything for 26 years and I just can’t get over the fact that I’m effectively ‘dead to him’. It just stabs my through the heart. Why is he treating me this way?
I just don’t understand.

OP posts:

PainterMummy · 18/02/2022 00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you, and be DeVault your daughter too. It may well be his guilt. By not having anything to do with you, he doesn’t have to face the fact he’s low life scum for doing what he did to you.

blackdumpling · 18/02/2022 00:22

I'm sorry you are struggling
Don't think you are using the term "ghosting" correctly though
Ghosting is when someone just stops talking to you one day
& you never see or hear from them again - zero contact
A friend or dating type situation is where ghosting can occur
Your marriage ended 1 year ago
You still continue to communicate about your daughter
Albeit via text.
It's hard but this is your ex spouse
Sometimes people don't want to co-parent in the way you expect them to
They don't need to talk to you on the phone or see you if they don't want to
At 17, your daughter is old enough for your ex to be able to manage his own relationship with his daughter
It sounds like you want to verbally communicate with him
Because you miss him & crave feeling closer to him
But your marriage has ended & this is something you need to learn to accept
Sadly when someone behaves this way I think it usually means
They never really loved you in the first place
His cheating on you would be testament to that
IMO

Watchkeys · 18/02/2022 08:09

What's the shape of your life like, OP? How do you fill the time? What do you do to make yourself feel good?

Wiredforsound · 18/02/2022 08:41

Your daughter is 17 now so you have no need to be in contact with him anymore. They can manage their own relationship. Your relationship with him has ended and that part of your life is over. I understand how hard this is for you but you need to accept it - he no longer wants a relationship with you and that is his right. Counselling may help you move on. You need to take time to heal, find new ways of filling your time, new job or hobbies, but he will no longer fill that space for you.

MrMrsJones · 18/02/2022 08:44

She is 17, you have no need to be in contact with your exhusband.

Cut the ties and move on, he has.

Theunamedcat · 18/02/2022 08:47

Don't bother contacting him again even about your daughter ifl he cannot even be polite enough to acknowledge you with simple basic manners

iwishu · 18/02/2022 08:49

Because he's not a nice person. Just leave it to your daughter if she wants contact with him.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/02/2022 08:50

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it's probably better this way.

If you were in regular contact it would really prolong the process of grieving for your marriage.

Dd is 17, she can communicate with her dad about anything important. There's no real need for you to communicate with him.

It's so difficult having so long with someone and then having to learn to navigate the world without them, now you know he can't be relied upon you can find another way to cope. Have you got someone else to discuss your problems with?

You have my sympathy op, it's not easy, but you will find a way forward.

Adeleskirts · 18/02/2022 08:50

I mean this gently but he really doesn’t need to tell you he’s spoken to his near adult child. You don’t need to be in the middle any more.

I think you need to accept it’s over, I know it’s hard, but your child isn’t a way for you to stay in touch with him.

Good luck op, I hope you find it in yourself to move on.

Lifeslooser · 18/02/2022 08:52

It’s hard, a whole space has opened up in your life and you need to find ways to fill it.

You don’t need to be in contact with him as your daughter is 17.

What can you do that will help you get over this? Do that.

Quitelikeacatslife · 18/02/2022 08:52

That must be really hard that you have no one to discuss how to help your daughter and Co parent which you have always been used to. It's awful and he is not being kind but he has shown you that is how he is . I'm sorry

TicTacHoh · 18/02/2022 08:58

When I text about dd (who has been a school refuser and suffered from mental health issues since the break up), he talks to her and doesn’t tell me he has. She’s 17.

She is almost an adult, OP. He is absolutely able to talk to her directly without telling you. This would be the case even if you were still together. It might not feel it now, but a clean break is probably for you both, especially if it's still raw.

Ladybugzrock · 18/02/2022 09:33

I’m so sorry. You must be so dreadfully hurt.

I actually think that coparenting is really important regardless of age and not being able to communicate when your child is in need is absolutely awful for you and unacceptable of him.

But it is what it is.

His mind will be going into overdrive to allow himself to feel at peace with what he’s done and allow him to continue to feel like he’s a ‘good’ man. Against the tricks and lies his own mind is telling him, you don’t stand a chance. He’s minimising, rewriting history, blame shifting, everything to hold onto who he believes he is.

You cannot control him (and I mean that really gently because I think he’s being an absolute pig) all you can do is control is your responses. It may be time to let go of trying to contact him and you do YOU.

There is a book called from ‘abandonment to healing’ from memory, it has lots of practical ways to heal yourself from the deep wound he has inflicted on you.

I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve what has happened to you, but you deserve happiness, safety and peace moving forward but you’re at the steering wheel of that.

Notsandwiches · 18/02/2022 09:40

He's gone 'no contact'. I know it's really hard but you have to accept he has no feelings for you. I'm not sure why you would want to be in contact with him? There are books on getting over a breakup and it might be good to work through one or speak to a therapist.

WatieKatie · 18/02/2022 09:41

It’s obviously still very raw for you OP and understandably so. My EH also left following an affair and I remember well how painful that was at the time.

We share a DC therefore we keep things amicable. We only text regarding her and my plan has always been to step back once she is a teenager and has her own phone.

If he isn’t responding it sends a clear message to you. At least he is communicating with your daughter.

Sweetielou · 18/02/2022 10:48

Is so hard because once you have no contact you know it’s come to the end . No contact is better though as you can start moving on with your life xx

Chestofdraws · 18/02/2022 11:12

I actually think that coparenting is really important regardless of age and not being able to communicate when your child is in need is absolutely awful for you and unacceptable of him

I think it’s clear this isn’t about the child, it’s about the op feeling ghosted and wanting contact with him and struggling to accept he doesn’t want her in his life. The op is written about her.

Cherry55 · 18/02/2022 11:34

I think it's really unsympathetic to be told to "move on" like it's an easy checkbox activity after the deep betrayal you have suffered. Even worse that a teenager should facilitate contact themselves with their parents. They shouldn't have to, not at that or any age and ideally have the security that their parents at least like each other enough to have a cordial relationship.

I'm exactly where you are OP - I've made peace as best I can with this is how it is and it is all on him. His behaviour is his inability to accept his actions for his lies and affair. This change was overnight - and that feeling of being "dead" to them is spot on. Quite unimaginable after a long relationship and rather confusing seeing someone you thought you knew well morph into an entirely different beast. I think he'd love it if i disappeared entirely.

In some ways his cold nature has helped me "move on" as comms very business-like.

@Ladybugzrock has spoken all the right words of sympathy and support.

Original poster

MamaFriend · 18/02/2022 12:24

Thank you all - the post was more about me. More about the fact that the man I was with for 26 years now acts as though I don’t exist. I appear to mean absolutely nothing to him and that’s the heart breaking point.
Thanks for the comments on that.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2022 12:29

I think I’d find this seriously difficult. I can empathise that you’re feeling gutted. 26 years and he’s gone nc. It’s soul destroying, but I think possibly he’s done this to have a cut and dried end, maybe he’s being logical but it’s bloody hard nosed of him.

Justilou1 · 18/02/2022 12:39

He’s not your friend. I’m sorry that you need to share your feelings about your daughter with someone who cares about you. He probably cares about her, but is too burdened by the guilt he feels for leaving you to deal with talking to you, so he won’t. You need to accept that although you share a child, you must now unburden your feelings to friends or a counsellor (an epilepsy organization would be great for that) and move on and away from him.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 18/02/2022 12:50

I had the full “ghosting” experience after a long while of getting on well with my exH. This however coincided with his new relationship beginning, and his new partner being so very insecure. Very sad really, as it was me who left him, so she really wasn’t at risk, I didn’t want him. Nevertheless if i had clicked my fingers he would have come back, so i guess that was her problem!

Ladybugzrock · 18/02/2022 13:59

@Chestofdraws

I actually think that coparenting is really important regardless of age and not being able to communicate when your child is in need is absolutely awful for you and unacceptable of him

Thank you @chestofdrawers I can read.

That was in response to comments re the child’s age and it being ok for him to just contact her. If you bother to read my post properly you’ll see the advice is for her loving on which is far from most people offered so I have no idea why you decide to comment on mine.

Ladybugzrock · 18/02/2022 13:59

Moving

MaggienLola2 · 18/02/2022 16:24

Hi OP I’m so sorry your going through this and i totally understand how you feel right now as I went through the same. You are only one year in and this is no time at all in the healing process it’s still all so very raw for you.
It’s no help to you at the moment but his treatment of you is saying more about him as a person than his treatment towards you.
He is a selfish coward who will repeat the same process when his current relationship runs it’s course. He’s shallow with no compassion and this in time will make you realise he is not the sort of man you want to be with.
But for now you need to go completely no contact with him as this will allow you to start healing properly and concentrate on your way forward into a happier phase of your life.

It’s been nearly 6 years for me now and it still feels like yesterday but the big difference is it doesn’t stab me through the heart anymore. It feels good and I’m happier now than when I was married to him.

I get it I really do 💐

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