I don’t know what I’m feeling

[Cleanbedlinen12]

Sorry, long and dull. Just need to write I guess. No need to read!
I was supposed to make sure dd sorted all the cupboards in her room, I( she’s 16 and finds being organised very difficult) I offered help, she didn’t want it and when I checked, I thought she’d done ok, ( big task!) and we’d finish tomorrow. Dp has just come downstairs, after checking on dds room. He asked why I was still downstairs- I’m making the most of the last of the fire. I knew from his tone that I’d done something wrong - And started going on about the mess in her room, I should have been on it. Then he said why hadn’t I taken his car in for w new tyre. I’d completely forgotten. He asked what I did all day as if I do nothing. I felt super anxious and useless as if I’m a crap school girl.The trouble is, clean the kitchen, wash the clothes etc- no one notices because guess what, by the time I’ve cooked dinner it’s mucky again.I’m also looking for work and applications take me ages. I totally forgot about the car. He seems to think I do nothing, I’m not trying. Apparently You just fire out a job app and everyone wants you because there are millions of jobs.
I see his point that he is the main earner. I feel that he resents me - he says,‘I wish I could help dd tidy her room but I have to go to work’ ‘ you can’t visit your mum (88 and abroad) until you have a job.’ Don’t know why I feel so crap. Again but I do. He works super hard but I just find myself feeling bad because I feel grumpy at him all the time. I also don’t get why I have to clean his dirty bathroom and pick his mucky knickers up. I left the empty bottles/ loo rolls and it is still there a week later. Then I feel guilty for feeling grumpy then I feel useless and anxious for not finding a job. I just don’t seem to fit in anywhere.
Sorry, just all anxious and feeling like I’m lazy and stupid.

You’re not lazy or stupid, but your husband is abusive.

Have you ever thought about leaving him?x

He sounds awful. You’re not a child.
I think carry on and get a job so you don’t need him! Sounds like it would be good for your confidence.

@Cleanbedlinen12 You are not stupid or useless your husband has like many other men sometimes do become blind to everything you do at home because he's used to you doing it so when you haven't done something he notices and then has a dig which will wear you down so I can completely understand you being grumpy . Go see your mum working or not doesn't matter , money is money and replaceable but people aren't x

Thanks just needed to hear a friendly voice! Just feel rubbish whatever I do and then no one wants to employ me either!

I've been here in a previous relationship. I didn't work at the time and even if I had done all the housework and looked after the kids etc, I was told I was lazy blah blah blah. I then did get a job but guess what!? He hated it! He then wanted us to have another baby which I replied no as I was loving working (kids were school ages by this point and I worked at the school and my dream was to become a teacher) having another baby would've put me back to being a home mum again. I worked, housework was done etc. he had nothing to moan about and put me down for! I feel as though you may be with what my ex was. A narcissist! A bully! Knocks your confidence down to a level that you feel like you're in the wrong! Do something for yourself and don't feel bad about it, see what he has to say. I even got told by my ex that I had no friends and why don't you go out etc. then when I did.... guess what, he hated it, would make arguments every time I went out, would accuse me of all sorts (even though it was him that was the cheating type). He even tracked me if I wasn't at home. Would call me and ask to speak to who I was with (even if it was my own mother! And then say well you remember when she couldn't have the kids etc... like he wanted me to hate her) I would say to you is tell your friends or family about this man! Get some support from people close to you and if you feel like he is a bully/narcissist then contact womens aid and get away! Good luck OP

I can tell you right now why you feel crap. It’s because you are living with a horrible abusive man who has destroyed your self esteem.

Do you want to stay married to him ?

Thanks Mamas123. There are certainly similarities. But it’s like he’s calmed down a lot now. It sounds as if you’ve had a rotten time!
I don’t know if he is abusive, that’s such a strong word. I’m tired of trying to work it out.
Thank you for your lovely long supportive post. Reading it again.

She’s 16. Unless the mess in her room is hazardous waste that’s affecting the rest of the house, what’s it to do with him whether her cupboards are a mess?

How can you all tell hes abusive from my one post? Am I missing something?
I’m not at all sure I want to stay. Crumbs, I actually typed that out loud.

“How can you all tell he's abusive from my one post? Am I missing something?”

“ I knew from his tone that I’d done something wrong”
An emotionally healthy person uses their words to communicate, not a tone that leaves you wondering what you’ve done and then anxious and on edge.

“ And started going on about the mess in her room”
‘going on’ is not communicating. ‘going on’ is badgering. Imagine Mr Empathic ‘hey honey i just noticed dd’s room. It’s bugging me. Have you got any ideas what we can do about it?’

“I should have been on it.”
who is he to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do? If it’s something you’ve agreed to deal with he can ask you about it and you can discuss it. But he’s not the boss of you. He’s being a bully. And if you don’t think a teenager’s messy room is a problem you have as much right to tell him that.

“Then he said why hadn’t I taken his car in for w new tyre”
He’s badgering you again. I’m assuming this wasn’t asked in a nice way with him just seeking information, he was putting you down.

“He asked what I did all day as if I do nothing”
Again, badgering, putting you down, probably not letting you answer? Interrupting? Raising his voice?

Did your breathing get shallow and you felt cowed and stressed? You are being abused.
You’re not lazy and stupid. You’re in an abusive relationship and it creeps up on you until you feel worse and worse and if you could only be better at, whatever, he’d be the nice guy that you know he can be.

It’s him not you. Read up about verbal and emotional abuse. Lundy Bancroft is good.

I remember apologising to my dh for who knows what now, then he said some more and I apologised again, then he shouted at me to stop apologising so I began to apologise for apologising so much, then stopped realised I can’t say sorry again, so said nothing.

Astonishing to me now to think that’s where I got to but abuse is insidious.

Thefrogsaretoonoisy. Thank you for analysing the conversation. I thought it was innocuous, just unsure why I felt wierd after it. Felt a bit daft posting tbh. I actually had no idea that every sentence is a put down. It’s mad that I don’t. Thank you for writing what mr empathetic would say. It sound silly but sometimes I wonder if I need to be talked to in such a way.
I’ve deleted what was about to be a long and tedious moan. I’m so sorry you got to the point where you are being so apologetic. You are amazing to have escaped.
Again, thanks for the translation. I’ve read posts on here where I think it’s so obvious the man is being a nob. It’s so harder to see when you’ve written the post! Going to re read and mull.

Cleanbedlinen, I find the whole abuse experience weird. I'm pretty bright but being on the receiving end of abuse is still taking me a long long time to be clear about. I didn't realise I was coming at any disagreement with a desire to be fair, to work it out and move forward together, while for him it was a battle. And he would use every tactic he could to keep me confused and basically shut me up. Even when I argued the point he still at a deep level shut me up because I was so hurt and confused and anxious.

“ Don’t know why I feel so crap.”
Because he’s treating you abysmally. He’s putting you down, belittling you —- he’s abusive. You don’t have to stay with him. You have choices.

Thanks both.
The frogs are too noisy, thank you for your thoughts re the whole business being wierd. It is! I’m learning to not be such a people pleaser, I used to feel so guilty for being at home id rush about looking after him. 😄 your thoughts are valuable - I thought I was making progress by refusing to put up with crap behaviour, when I spot it. But you are right, on some deep level you are anxious and changing your behaviour.
Part 2 of the room tidy saga and I told him he was being a bully. Remarkably he changed tack and actually got involved and we all discussed shelving options etc. So much better than just dumping it all on me and complaining.

thefrogsaretoonoisy's posts are bang on here and you need to take heed.

People pleasers often start off by trying to parent please; did you grow up with "difficult" or emotionally absent parent/s too?. Its also a state that does you no favours at all now.

The nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one and abuse like you describe really does creep up on people unawares.

What do you think your DD is learning about relationships here?. This is really no relationship model to be showing her. The surefire way of not putting up with crap behaviour from an abuser is to remove yourself completely from the source i.e. him. Trying to protect your own self from his abuses of you (and in turn your DD) is impossible whilst you are all under the same roof.

How long have you been at home and not working?

It is reasonable for you to do the housework if you are currently not working and glad he adjusted his tone.

@Fireflygal

How long have you been at home and not working?

It is reasonable for you to do the housework if you are currently not working and glad he adjusted his tone.

I agree

I’m happy to do the cleaning, gardening, bills, kids, shopping, washing, cooking, washing up, car. I get pissed off when it’s my fault he’s lost his shoe. My job to clean his toilet. My job to put his bits of orange peel left in the bed/dirty knickers into the bin. My job to straighten the bed or he will sleep on a bare mattress. What is fair? I mean I don’t mind doing the house stuff but I do mind cleaning his crap off the loo and filthy razor blades off the sink. Is that unreasonable? It’s certainly putting me off shagging him.And then he doesn’t even notice if I do clean. I just get why haven’t you done x. Humph! Yet tonight he’s been lovely - a takeaway and a film.
I am a bit bored by how irritable I’m getting. Sorry guys.

Yes Attila, thanks - you’ve helped me realise I’ve a,ways twisted myself into anxious knots to please other people. Gone out with chaps I didn’t much like. Just realised most of my mates are bossy. One very close friend always seems to make out it’s my fault if I’m not at her back and call, but she’s the one making other plans. Hmmm.
Had to be quiet round dad he was tired, then he was ill. You are right, I thought if I made him dinner he’d get better.
More hmmm.
Thank you.

You're irritable because you know what you want but have been conditioned to ignore your wants and to put others first. Your marriage isn't supposed to be a dictatorship. Dh doesn't get to tell you your job. If you decide cleaning his toilet isn't going to be on your job description tell him. Then discuss if necessary without him putting you down, mocking, accusing etc and compromise if appropriate.
Sounds like you had dd's room tidy well in hand. It was a job you'd taken on what's it got to do with him? Imagine if you'd said 'this isn't your job. I'm dealing with this'

Dealing with my Dh is still a work in progress. If he speaks to me in a way I don't like I say immediately 'please don't talk to me like that/sneer/raise your voice' and if he doesn't stop immediately I walk away. Because I don't want to feel upset anymore. And I can only change me.

Gosh thanks, the frogs.
It’s great to hear your Dh is a work in progress too!
You are quite right. I put myself way down the line, my besties say I’m far too kind/ patient. I suspect it’s been the source of depression.
Thanks, that has brought that home to me.
Thanks for the tip! I have been doing as you do ( I did it yesterday which is when he changed his approach) . I’ve had some counselling and she said to also praise lavishly when they do well. Walking out the room has helped a lot actually. Also discussing it here- knowing you all thought it was bullying behaviour gave me the clarity to feel I had a point(!)
it’s hard to know when a chap is just being a nob ( his mum never made him or his dad do anything round the house) ( and his dad is shouty control freak but also very caring)
I think the thing with dds room is that, actually I didn’t have it in hand, ( I Really struggle with organisation) I hadn’t thought to buy shelves etc. But once Dp stopped being his dad and we all actually discussed it, we got on a lot further. etc. Have just realised I get so far with any project and then I never get the last bit done. Scared, I think. My brother is the same. Wonder what that’s all about.
…maybe a mum who carried her childhood fear of her dad and tried to do everything right. Maybe a dad who dragged himself out of poverty and thought If I got an A it should be A+? Revelation, thank you!
I’ve always done that though so I can’t blame him!
Sorry, bit off piste, but don’t want to delete as I will want to re read.
Posting before I write any more!