I need help, please with this

[Hatingmyselfforthis]

I've namechanged as this is awful but I really need to talk, just to let it out. I hope people don't flame me because I have no intention of defending myself, how can I, it is so wrong.

My good friend is a man whose long term partner is ill. She might be Ok but it is by no means certain. They are both lovely.

He is very close with me and I like them both very much, I want to support them both through this but I am picking up that he is being a bit too friendly - and I am sorry to say that I am having feelings I should not be having for him. I suspect he is unconsciously using me as a safety net in a way, the thought of losing her must be terrifying. But I don't want even to think about anything like that with him, he is attached, and although I am not I would never want to...well you know what I mean.

I KNOW it is wrong, wrong, wrong, and I just needed to speak about it, there is no one I can mention it to, it is doing me in a bit because I am fully aware that he has a wonderful partner who really needs him at this time. I just wanted to admit it somewhere before I go crazy.

There is no way whatsoever I would allow anything to progress etc. but the feelings are horrible to bear. I am hoping they will go away.

I wanted to tell someone anonymously in the hope that this stops it going any further in my thoughts. And also to tell someone that I think I am an awful person even for feeling this way. How can I stop myself feeling this, please help.

No flaming from me.

You have provided emotional support to a good friend during a tough time. But you have recognised that you are getting too close.

Sometimes you can't help how you feel, whether it is right or wrong. The fact that you realise it's wrong is the difference and you seem adamant that it will not progress any further.

I have no advice really as never been it that situation and couldn't begin to tell you have to stop feeling that way. Only thing I can suggest is a little bit of distance and time. Maybe you could just step back a little, whilst still providing some support. Maybe only visit or chat when they are together?

It depends a bit upon what happens with the long-term partner. If she is terminally ill and you provide support to both of them until the end - since you are single - I see no problem with this. Even to follow on and have a relationship with the person. Secretly - without anything being spoken of course - the spouse might be fine with this too. Nobody wishes to leave loved-ones unhappy.

Having strong feelings for somebody accidentally and a premedidated attempt to have an affair/threaten to break-up a marriage or happy family/indulge in sexual flings etc are different from this scenario? Yes? Only you knows the full truth.

Dependant upon the details ... best to avoid something physical that you might both regret until he is free. Unless he is unhappy with the relationship anyway, irrespective of the illness of the spouse and that she might live for many years. Then it would be an affair ... and all the rest.

Only you knows the full details.

Hope you find the answer.

You sound like a lovely person, not someone who rides roughshod over others to get what she wants, or even to a lesser degree, acknowledges the guilty feelings and then ignores them.

You can't help the way you feel; but you CAN help what you do about it. Don't respond to him in any way shape or form that may give him any clue that you reciprocate. Ignore ALL the "too friendly" signals you are getting from him, and if you have to (because he does something obvious, like telling you how he feels, trying to kiss you (!) or anything), say outright that you are there for him and his DW, you think the world of him but that you don't and couldn't conceive of EVER thinking of him in that way (so lie if necessary!)

You are not an awful person. Just make sure you do the right thing regardless or those little feelings that are telling you "if only". You don't have to and MUST NOT act on them.

You always have the option of telling him how you feel- you could broach the topic and say you feel he is getting very dependent on you, or that you feel some parts of the relationship are over-stepping the "friendly" mark.

It might bebetter to be honest withhi, and see what he says- you might be imagining it, and he might be horrified, or if it's true, then it will give him a chance to step back.

I feel that if you take a step back without saying anything, it might appear very confusing, if his behaviour is really innocent- only you know!

Maybe you also need to acknowledge how you feel- would you want him if he wasn't married- or if the worst happens to his wife?

Thankyou so much for all your lovely replies.
I sort of hoped this had fallen off active convos and been lost, once I had spouted all that...but I am glad it was answered now
It is so confusing, remembering that I am by far the least important person in the whole scenario, and what they must both be going through.
To be truthful I think I would feel similarly were he single - but of course it's unlikely he would be, being such a great guy! I feel almost like I'm 'stealing' and from someone in a very vulnerable situation. Even though nothing is going on and it won't, the fact I even feel so happy in his presence feels wrong.
I don't think there is really an option to tell him how I feel. I would be much too afraid, it is such a sensitive thing and I would risk losing them both and being useless to them if that happened.
We both have children and they get on well, which is lovely.
I am, I hope, capable of simply not allowing myself to give any sign of my feelings, and hope that he is restrained if he even feels anything for me, as I think that is the only way. The problem is I'm scared I might just not be strong enough. Last night I dreamed about him, that we were all together, and I stood next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. My head felt so heavy and it was such a feeling of relief, of safety, and then I woke, knowing that I could never allow that to happen in reality.
I am going through some tough times at the moment as well, which I suspect is why I am finding this man so attractive and that attraction so compelling. It has been a very long time since I was able to feel that way about someone and it is tapping into a deep need.
But that isn't a reason to act or speak about it. I have got to deal with my own feelings and keep them separate from the friendships we all have.

Thanks again. I am so glad that nobody jumped on me, I feel bad enough about it. Slightly better now I have told.

I hope you feel better- your feelings are totally understandable. There is no easy answer-but you have to look at him as being strictly off limits- if, his partner doesn't come through it all, then will be the time to see if it turns into anything else. However, I still think you are within your rights to say something to him, if he takes advantage of you (not in THAT sense!) - but makes you feel closer to him than you feel you can handle.

p.s. maybe it would help more if you didn't put his partner into the equation at all- and think of him as married man who is in danger of over stepping the mark- and that needs to be dealt with both emotionally and practically by you.

Ok, I will bear it in mind. I'm just going to do my best for now, to concentrate on us all being friends. I rarely see him alone which is good.

Sorry crossed posts there, I see what you mean. Thanks

If you are going through a tough time or your own at the moment then maybe you need to seek some sort of help and support for whatever that is. For one thing, helping with the care of a sick or dying person can be pretty draining: make sure you are looking after yourself physically (good food, exercise, enough sleep). Your about-to-be-bereaved mate may be a wonderful person but he's not the right person to help you resolve your problems at present. he's got enough to be going on with.

I don't think you're a bad person at all, by the way. WHat I do think is that, in a lot of ways, especially for women, we are socialised to think that the answer to all our problems is a couple relationship with a lovely man, and that this is the most important thing in the world, which can make people get very confused and unhappy when they feel sympathy and affection for someone with whom it would be inappropriate or impossible to have a sexual relationship.

That is a very true post, Madamez. Very helpful, thankyou. Not sure what to say, except that despite my getting some help with my own issues, I still feel I would probably be a burden to him if we were to end up together.
I have never understood how to separate friendship and love with a man, and being lonely certainly doesn't make that distinction any clearer!
My guess is that he is finding it very hard dealing with his partner's illness and feels he has to be strong, perhaps he just sees me as someone he can have some light relief with (in an emotional sense, not physical)and it might not be a basis for a relationship even if she does not recover.
I hate myself for being so weak, when I think of him I am just overwhelmed by my own need to be loved and understood, which is just appalling really it should not be about me at all.

oh, you are NOT weak! You are just being human- you are attracted to a man, for all kinds of reasons. Stop beating yourself up- if his partner does die, then there is no reason at all why you both couldn't have a relationship- but that's for the future. There must be many women and men who have married their partner's best friend- Nigella is one for a start! - so don't keep feeling bad. But if youhave other issues, you need to address those beofre you can offer anything to anyone- maybe try counselling or coaching to help you clarify what's going on in your mind?