Completely heart broken

[Blondeyoghurt]

Just looking for advice really..

Been with my partner 4 years, due to marry next year and have a 20 month old.

The last year or so we’ve really struggled, I’ve found myself constantly asking if he’s alright because he’s so miserable. He’ll often forget things to do with me and my daughter, but can remember everything to do with the gym and work..

We’ve gone back and fourth about going out separate ways because he just won’t hold his word about making an effort. This time he lasted 2 weeks and went back to leaving crap everywhere and not even giving me a second look.. he said this morning he thinks it’s best we go our separate ways because we always end up at square one. I clarified that saying it’s always him that just stops trying, and he said “alright, I can’t do it then”

I’ve been an absolute mess all morning, I know the best thing is to leave him because im scared my daughter will realise he’s a bad dad when im no longer there to remind him of everything.. but it doesn’t stop the tears

How can I try and be positive about this? I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else that’s why I’ve tried so hard, for so long. I’m absolutely heart broken, I don’t want to be lonely

Thanks everyone x

Can you try counselling first? If you split up does he understand that he will have a 50/50 share anyway? That's more work, not less.

Oh god I'm so sorry.

He's checked out, for whatever reason, and its very unlikely to get better

As painful as it is, there is more to life than him. Do you really want to share your precious life with someone who behaves like this? I wouldn't.

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You’ve just described a really crap relationship with somebody who obviously doesn’t love or care for you and then ended it with “I don’t want to be lonely.” In reality, I doubt you’ll be any more lonely on your own than you are in your crap relationship. It’s hardly a winning endorsement of a partner, that you’re mainly staying because you don’t want to be single, is it?

At the moment it feels like the end of the world and you’ll never get over it. Believe me, within a year of the two of you having separated, you’ll look back and wonder why you tried so hard to stay together - and so will he, I should imagine, it’s obvious that neither of you are particularly happy in this relationship and his having checked out and stopped caring about making you happy is just another sign that he’s fallen out of love. That really is the positive spin: when you feel this way and your relationship has turned into a battle, things really can only get better, even if you feel differently right now.

He’s just so unbothered, we’ve tried talking it over and it always comes back to this. I feel like he just doesn’t love me the way a person should - there’s no real emotional connection if that makes sense? I’ve just sat and cried all morning, it’s the worst feeling knowing you can’t stay with the person you thought you’d be with forever

I feel like he just doesn’t love me the way a person should

Leave him, and learn to love yourself the way a person should. Your heartbreak is about not being loved... it will be much easier if you can love yourself. And if you did love yourself, you'd have left him long ago.

Lots of people have been where you are, left the person, worked on their self respect, and ended up happy, either single, or with a new partner. It's totally do-able. Sometimes things feel shit, like it does for you right now. All you can do is hold to the decision you know is right, and do everything you can to make your minutes and hours as comfortable for yourself as you can.

Looking after you is the self respect that you need to develop. That's all you have to do; accept that sometimes making the right decision is really really painful, and nurture yourself through the hurty days.

What is it you need from him? What is it you wish he would offer you that he doesn't? Those are the gaps you need to fill for yourself. You will be so much stronger if you learn to do this.

Do lots and lots of nice things for yourself, OP, today, and on all of the other days, too. Do what you like, what you want, what feels good. It's a bit like 'Look after the pennies, and the pounds will look after themselves'. If you do little things daily that make you feel good/confident/happy/in control/powerful/enabled/etc, you will get a feel for it on a micro scale, which you will automatically apply to macro decisions. Your difficulty today is that you're trying to do a big old macro without the micro foundations. It's hard. It makes sense that it's upsetting you so much.

Be understanding with yourself.

Thank you @Watchkeys, I needed to hear that x

You need to deal with the here and now, not any future relationships. If you want to be with someone who treats you like shit them stay because he won’t change, your child will grow up assuming all relationships are crap.
If you leave you have to give yourself time to grief what you’ve lost and start to rebuild and then you’ll see relationships are meant to make you feel shit

@Sonaftersonafterson

Oh god I'm so sorry.

He's checked out, for whatever reason, and its very unlikely to get better

As painful as it is, there is more to life than him. Do you really want to share your precious life with someone who behaves like this? I wouldn't.

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agree.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. My partner and I went through something very similar and ended up having to postpone our wedding to later in the year. It turns out he was/is dealing with extreme depression brought on from previous trauma that he had never addressed. We’ve had to work together to try and help him through his issues to get in a better place. I can totally feel your pain and I hope you are ok. I think they have to want to make the relationship work, deep down in their hearts, for you to have any chance of surviving.

I wish you nothing but the best. Be strong x

See this an opportunity to have a second chance and find somebody who truly loves you and the relationship comes naturally. He cant make an effort as he doesnt care about you x take care and be brave - make plans and get family support