Did you nearly separate/divorce but change your mind?

[whatdoido16]

If you have come close to separation or divorce but didn’t go through with it, why and how did you change your mind? Are you glad you’re still married now? Keen to hear from those who have a partner with poor mental health too, as feel that adds another dimension. I need a virtual hug and some advice - feeling really sad about things.

I’m going to aim not to drip feed, but also there’s too much to write down in detail so I will summarise.

• Husband and I have married 7 years and in early 30s
• A toddler together
• No practical family support or help around (they are there, just can’t help with babysitting or childcare etc)
• He works full time
• I work 4 days
• Have had no breaks or holidays, locally or abroad since before pandemic and don’t really get out of the house for date nights as much as we would like
• As with most, we’ve struggled through the pandemic, becoming new parents, working from a very small home together and still doing so etc
• Husband has significant poor mental health so there have been plenty of ups and downs and I have supported and encouraged him to get help in all ways possible. (depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation)
• he has accepted help on and off over the years but has been fairly consistent over the last year
• However, recently we seem to be fighting a lot, losing patience with each other and a lot of misunderstandings
• with that, I feel like he can change into another person at times when he loses his temper. He can be quite nasty in these moments, getting quite angry, banging and slamming doors, hitting walls and shouting at me even when I ask him to stop. He will do this in front of our toddler which I hate and get them away from the situation ASAP. He knows how I feel about it but time and time again it happens.
• I do feel like Im on eggshells a lot of the time, and then inevitably when I do or say something he doesn’t like, he can’t control his emotions and a huge fight erupts. It’s awful. We both hate it.
• I am absolutely not perfect and I’m sure there are plenty of things that give him reason to be annoyed, however lately I don’t feel like his responses or reactions or even why, is reasonable at all. Like I can’t get anything right. I try telling him how I feel, but it doesn’t really make an impact.
• He’s also good at burying his head and not talking to me as his way of dealing with things (his anxiety and thoughts mean he usually has a million things going on) so I don’t feel in those moments that he is stonewalling in an abusive way, he’s just trying to process things. But I really struggle with this - it’s a horrible environment to live in. He only comes out of it after I basically encourage us to start communicating again.

It all came to a head today, another explosive argument out of nowhere with him shouting and completely enraged in front of our child who burst into tears. I immediately removed us form the situation but he came in storming in throwing clothes out of a laundry basket around the room. After I put our child to bed I tried to approach him to work out what went wrong, but he got angry again, hitting walls, banging doors, broke the blinds on the window even. He has decided he wants to end things, he can’t handle it anymore, and is giving the impression that it’s all my fault which I feel is really unfair.

I just stood there when all of this was happening. I honestly deep down, know this isn’t “normal” or healthy, but I love him so much (and typing this out it might seem silly that I do, but it’s only in these moments I question everything) especially as I know that his traumatic past and poor mental health contribute and lot to this. I also know he absolutely hates these moments, does not take pleasure from it at all in the slightest.

I don’t want to give up on us, but I also don’t want our child to grow up in a toxic house or witness things that are not healthy in a relationship. There’s also quite a stigma in getting separated or divorced where we live and in our faith.

I know marriage is hard, and many go through seasons of tough times in amongst the good ones. Is this a tough time that we need to work through as when it’s good, it’s great! Or do I need wake up and face that it’s maybe too far down the line from being rescued?

Please be kind. I’m so sad about it all because I know we do love and care for each other deeply, but the last few years with the pandemic have been very tough on both of us mentally.

I'm sorry you're facing this. In our case, I got 99.9% of the way to initiating a split and then didn't, but permanent changes to the relationship happened (separate rooms, psychological distance, transactional relationship). Different issues from yours with disengagement and stonewalling to the fore, and practicalities around the kids were a huge part of why I didn't follow through. 5 years down the line I hit a very tough patch with family and work problems, and was very glad to have my imperfect and partial relationship. I now see it in a very different light - it's not what I thought it was, but it's there, and when other things fell away I took great comfort in it.

No idea whether this is relevant to your situation and I certainly wouldn't advocate staying in an abusive relationship - only you can decide if this is one. Counselling might help you sort out what's going on and whether there's enough of a core to remain and work through the issues?

Hi whatdoido16,
I just created an account to be able to respond. I feel for you. You are able to sympathise with your husband and sound like a really understanding person.
You probably don't want to hear this but I really think you deserve so much better. I do understand you love your husband but as you already know deep down, your relationship is very unhealthy and beyond repair. You are now worrying about your child who is witnessing all this, you know it's really unacceptable. You are rationalising stuff that is terrible and it is not going to change. Its confusing you. Please end the relationship and look for a friend, a relation, someone close to you who can support you on your next steps. You need to take action for yourself and your child. Don't let this happen any more, not even once.
I would like to give you a big big virtual hugh, this cannot be easy.
But I think you already know the answer yourself. Look for that inner strength and don't look behind. A person like yourself deserves someone as good.

The best of luck.

@whatdoido16 could you husband have undiagnosed bipolar or an untreated personality disorder? The full on rage is very abnormal. I've only seen it in people I know who have bipolar and feel triggered.

Reading this made me feel like I could have written a lot of this. I posted recently about a similar-ish situation I'm in an I'm currently looking into taking a break from my husband, but I know eventually i will have to leave.

Could you maybe take a break from him and take your baby? Just to give you some breathing space. I tend to find when I'm away, it almost seems bizarre that I put up with the mood swings etc in my day to day life. It might help you think things through clearly.

Also, you mention stigma of divorce- it sounds like we are from similar backgrounds. This is advice to you as much as it is for myself, but please don't stay due to this reason. You deserve to be happy and although you love him, deep down you know that this isn't the kind of life you want to live for the rest of your life.

Yes i almost left st one stage but in the end stayed. Things are ok now, and things have improved as our kids got older, finances improved.

However I definitely didnt have those MH issues to contend with. It sounds frightening. Your husband is mentally unstable and unwell, and not seeing things clearly. He needs medical help.

Leaving to stay with family for a while - would it be possible with work? You could tell your family exactly what has been happening and say you absolutely won't put your child through that, let alone yourself. Shame is one thing; putting your child at risk in the home of a man with a tendency to have unpredictable violent outbursts is a different kettle of fish. It is dangerous to stay for your own and your child's well-being.

Maybe if you leave your DH will seek the help he needs and perhaps after some time if he gets the meds he needs, you might then consider a reconciliation.

Do have a think about visitation for your toddler if you leave. If he can't control his temper, he shouldn't be 1:1 with your child without supervision.

Thank you everyone for your responses, kind comments and advice. I am taking it all in.

I probably wasn’t very clear in my OP, but he is going through various counselling and talking therapies as well as medication. So he is actively getting help.

I know the outbursts aren’t great, but strangely I do not feel unsafe around him nor feel that he would ever come close to physically hurting me. Equally know things can escalate though, but I have the sense that it’s very much him being out of control of his emotions rather than being angry at/towards me if that makes sense.

I think that’s partly why I’m so confused about it all and what to do.

Does he behave that way, with explosive, aggressive outbursts towards other people too, at work for example, or just you?

I spent 5 years ‘staying’ with my DH who has significant MH problems like you describe. Finally left him when my kids started copying his behaviour / getting very anxious around him and realised I thought I was shielding them from him at his worst but despite my best efforts it was affecting them. We are 2 years separated now. Kids are now much happier and have a better relationship with him. I’m not walking on egg shells and life feels so much better. DH has never changed (they never do) despite psychiatrist, meds, counselling etc.
leave leave leave
MH isnt an excuse for abuse.

I'm sorry lovely OP but I could have written this when my DC were tiny. I stayed. For another decade. It didn't get any better. We are separated now and I wish I had done it sooner.

My parents are v religious and I thought would be sad/judge. They are actually fucking delighted!!! Who knew.

You don't have to live your life walking on eggshells whilst trying to shield your child from what you know isn't right. Good luck.

I think given the current situation, it could be helpful for you guys to physically separate until he is ready, willing and able to control his temper and moods.

Can he go and stay with family members or friend so that you both have some breathing space?

He isn't in a good place, and he's directing it at you - throwing clothes out of the basket, hitting walls - these are all violent action as well as being verbally abusive - I'm surprised you feel so safe.

On the face of it though - he has told you it's over, he wants out. I think it could be best if you can create some physical
Distance between you so that you both can consider the situation and what the next steps are.

Escalation doesn't take much - he's already doing this in front of your child. You don't know how far he might go.

You’re in an abusive marriage and you need to remove yourself and your child from him. You have to put your child first here, not your husband.

I do think with some men who have uncontrollable outbursts, it’s not actually you specifically they are always venting at, it’s sometimes the world and it’s mother in general , but you are the one that is ‘there ‘ and likely the only person who would remotely put up with it without telling them to fuck off- so you end up as the whipping post. I’m married to someone like this , was always a little bit volatile but has definitely got worse after 26 years- we discussed it relatively calmly once on holiday and he said he doesn’t know why he does it- he simply sees red if we don’t always see eye to eye on something and then thinks I am criticising him , rather than just offering a different opinion- other than leave OP I don’t know what the solution is as I have the same situation— I think it’s actually built into their character and life events bring it out in full when the honeymoon period ends.

it’s not actually you specifically they are always venting at, it’s sometimes the world and it’s mother in general , but you are the one that is ‘there ‘ and likely the only person who would remotely put up with it without telling them to fuck off- so you end up as the whipping post

I agree with this as I am also married to
Someone like this. I knew it was his abusive childhood which greatly affected him and made him react with anger but after around 10 years of putting up with it I’d had enough and said I was leaving. He asked for one more chance and said he’d go for counselling, which he did and it really did helped so much. He still goes now 6 years later and he’s come to terms with his childhood and never lost his temper with me again. He’s also apologised many times for how he was with me and thanked me for making him go for help.
Mu only regret is not insisting he went for help sooner. I would say to any woman not to put with this behaviour and to issue an ultimatum- counselling or divorce. I regret I walked on eggshells for so long and didn’t put my own wishes first. Don’t do that, he gets help or he moves out.

Yes, we did and we got back together and limped along for another few years.

I wish I would have ended it the first time.
When relationships go downhill, they seldom improve.

I know this is an old thread, but just wondering how you are doing OP? My heart went out to you reading this, you are in a tough and painful situation and there are some similarities with what I'm going through (young child, DH not able to regulate his own emotions). Hope you are ok and getting support and feeling empowered to set boundaries